| [Scene 1 - GREGGERY’S APARTMENT]
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| [Narrator] The adventures of Greggery Peccary!
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| [Greggery] Oh, here comes Greggery! Little Greggery Peccary! The nocturnal gregarious wild swine…
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| [Narrator] A peccary is a little pig with a white collar that usually hangs around between Texas and Paraguay, sometimes ranging as far west as Catalina
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| [Greggery] Catalina, Catalina, Catalina!
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| [Narrator] This particular peccary is part of that bold…
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| [Greggery] Bold…
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| [Narrator] New…
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| [Greggery] New…
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| [Narrator] Breed…
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| [Greggery] Breeding…
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| [Narrator] That distinguishes itself by markings which resemble a wide tie directly below the white collar
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| [Greggery] If it’s wide enough everyone will know that the tie I’m wearing is a symbol of how nimble my mind will know, ooh-ooh!
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| [Narrator] Swank suave!
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| [Greggery] Hoon-hoon hoonna-han hoonna hoonna
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| [Instrumental]
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| [Narrator] Look out, here he comes again!
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| [Greggery] Oh, here comes Greggery Peccary! Yes it’s cravy, cravy, yeah!
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| [Instrumental]
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| [Narrator] Every morning, Greggery drives his little red Volkswagen to the ugly part of town where they keep the government buildings
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| [Greggery] Voodn voodn!
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| [Instrumental]
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| [Greggery] Boy, it’s so hard to find a place to park around here!
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| [Scene 2 - THE STENO POOL AT BIG SWIFTY’S]
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| [Greggery] Voo-voo-voo-nya-hoon
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| [Narrator] Greggery Peccary takes the elevator, up to the eighty-third floor of a grim, gray, evil-looking building with a sign on the front reading: “Big Swifty & Associates, Trend-Mongers”
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| And what, might you ask, is a trend-monger? Well, a trend-monger is a person who dreams up a trend (like “The twist” or “Flower Power”), and spreads it throughout the land, using all the frightening little skills that science has made available!
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| [Instrumental]
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| [Narrator] And so it was, one fateful morning, Greggery Peccary made his way through the Steno Pool
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| [Greggery] Hi Mildred! Hello Gladys! Wanda!
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| [Narrator] Yes, from the moment they laid eyes on him, all the girls in the Big Swifty Steno Pool knew… here was a nocturnal gregarious wild swine on his way up!
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| A peccary of destiny… adventure and romance! ▶
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| [Greggery] Is there any mail for me?
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| [Steno pool] Swifty’s. This is Big Swifty’s. At Big Swifty’s we all know-ow-ow…
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| [Greggery] Wo-wo
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| [Greggery] You’ll go for any gimmick or gizmo! Wouldn’t you rather be involved in a series of colorful time-wasting trends?
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| [Narrator] Air hockey… biff, dush!
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| [Steno pool] La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
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| [Greggery] Youp youp youp youp
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| [Greggery] Is your wife snoring by the sink?
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| [Steno pool] La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
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| [Greggery] Youp youp youp youp
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| [Greggery] Ain’t your life boring, don’t you think?
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| [Steno pool] Youp youp youp-youp-youp youp youp
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| [Greggery] Life is so much better when there’s some little something to do!
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| [Narrator] Does it matter that this waste of time is what makes a life for you? Hmmmmm?
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| [Greggery] I must plummet boldly forward to my ultra-avant laminated, simulated replica-mahogany desk, with the strategically-placed, imported, very hip water pipe, and the latest edition of the Whole Earth Catalog, and rack my agile mind for a spectacular new trend, thereby rejuvenating our limping economy, and providing for bored and miserable people everywhere some great new thing to identify with
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| [Steno pool] We have got the little answers to the things that might be bothering you
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| [Greggery] We have got your little toys. We’re busy makin’ ‘em, busy makin’ ‘em…
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| [Steno pool] We’re busy makin’ ‘em!
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| [Greggery] Busy makin’ ‘em, just for you
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| [Steno pool] Yoo-hoo-hoo
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| [Greggery] Highly efficient, Miss Snodgrass! ▶
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| [Narrator] And with that, Greggery turned and strode nonchalantly into his dinky little office with the desk and the catalog and the very hip water pipe, and proceeded, with a vigor and determination known only to piglets of a similarly diminutive proportion, to single-handedly invent THE CALENDAR!
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| [Scene 3 - GREGGERY INVENTS THE CALENDAR]
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| [Narrator] With his eyes rolled heaven-ward, and his little shiny pig-hoofs on the desk, Greggery ponders the question of Eternity (and fractional divisions thereof), as mysterious angelic voices sing to him from a great distance, providing the necessary clues for the construction of this thrilling new Trend:
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| [Angelic voices] SUNDAY
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| [Greggery] Sunday? WOW! Sunday, Saturday, Tuesday through Monday, Monday
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| Sunday, Saturday!
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| [Narrator] And thus the calendar, in all of its colorful disguises, was presented to the bored and miserable people everywhere. Greggery issued a memo on it, whereupon the entire contents of the Steno Pool identified with it strenuously, and worshipped it as a way of life, and took their little pills by it, and went back an’ forth from work by it, and paid their rent by it, and before long, they were even having birthday parties in THE OFFICE by it, because now, at last, Greggery Peccary’s exciting new invention had made it possible for everyone to find out how old they were
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| [Greggery] What hath God wrought?
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| [Narrator] Unfortunately, there were some people who simply did not wish to know, and that’s why, on his way home from the office one night, Greggery was attacked by a rage of hunchmen!
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| [Scene 4 - GREGGERY IS ATTACKED]
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| [Narrator] Making his way through the evening traffic, Greggery notices that the other vehicles which crowd and bump his little red car are all inhabited by slowly-aging VERY HIP YOUNG PEOPLE.
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| They appear to be casting sinister glances toward him through their glinting acid burn-out eyeballs, trying to run him off the road, or make him bump into something, giving strong evidence of hostile aggression.
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| To elude them, Greggery takes the Short Forest exit off the expressway. They zoom after him in all manner of cars, trucks, garishly painted buses, and motorcycles.
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| Greggery takes a bumpy trail off the main Short Forest Road, which leads him up the side of a famous and conveniently placed mountain ▶, and into a strange cave on the edge of a cliff, not far from a little twisted tree with eyes on it.
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| Meanwhile, the enraged hunchmen (and HUNCHWOMEN) rumble through the Short Forest until, realizing the little swine has escaped, they decide to park their steaming vehicles in a circular pseudo-wagon train formation and have a Love-In.
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| Under the influence of a fantastic amount of trendy chemical amusement aid, they proceed to perform Lewd Acts, rip each other off for small personal possessions, and dance with depraved abandon in the vicinity of a six-foot pile of transistor radios (each one tuned to a different station).
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| [Instrumental]
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| [Scene 5 - THE NEW BROWN CLOUDS]
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| [Greggery] What?
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| [Narrator] The hunchmen finally expire from exhaustion and Greggery, who has viewed the proceedings from a safe distance, breathes a sigh of relief…
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| [Greggery] Phew!
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| [Narrator] Only to be terrified once again by a roar of immense laughter…
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| [Billy the mountain] HO HO HO!
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| [Narrator] Which seems to be rumbling up from the very depths of the cave in which he has hidden his car!
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| [Greggery] Good Lord! What was that?
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| [Narrator] Greggery doesn’t realize he has concealed himself inside the very mouth of…
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| [Billy the mountain] HO HO HO!
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| [Narrator] Billy the mountain! ▶
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| [Billy the mountain] HO HO HO!
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| [Narrator] And, as you all know, whenever Billy laughs rocks and boulders hack up, and the air for miles around is filled with tons of dust forming a series of huge brown clouds
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| [Greggery] Who is making those new brown clouds? Who is making those clouds these days? Who is making those new brown clouds? Better ask a philostopher an’ see what he says!
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| [Narrator] Greggery stops at a gas station and makes a mysterious phone call…
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| [Greggery] “Is this the old loft with the paint peelin’ off it by the Chinese police where the dogs roll by? Is this where they keep the philostophers now with the rugs an’ the dust, where the books go to die? How many yez got? Say yez got quite a few? Just sittin’ around there with nothin’ to do? Well, I just called yez up ‘cause I wanted t’see A PHILOSTOPHER BE OF ASSISTANCE TO ME!”
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| [Scene 6 - THE PHILOSTOPHER SPEAKS]
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| [Narrator] Greggery receives information that The Greatest Living Philostopher Known To Mankind is currently in possession of the very information in question, and, furthermore, this information could be his, if only Greggery would attend a special therapeutic group assembly (classes now forming), and available at a special low, low introductory fee. And now… here he is… The Greatest Living Philostopher Known To Mankind, Quentin Robert De Nameland! Take it away!
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| [Quentin] Folks, as you can see for yourself, the way this clock over here is behaving, time is of affliction!
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| Now, this might be cause for alarm among a portion of you as, from a certain experience, I tend to proclaim: “The eons are closing!”
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| [Instrumental]
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| [Narrator] Make your checks payable to Quentin Robert De Nameland, Greatest Living Philostopher Known to Mankind!
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| [Greggery] Who is making those new brown clouds? Who is making those clouds these days? Who is making those new brown clouds? If you ask a philostopher, he’ll see that you pays!
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| [Instrumental]
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| [Davey Moire] Lemme take you to the beach
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| La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
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| Lemme take you to the beach
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| La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-lahhh
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| Bring the weenies
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| I’ll bring the soft drinks
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| And the cookies
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| Everybody’s in love
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| Lemme take you to a show
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| Wo-wo-wo-wo-wo-wo-wo-wo-wo
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| Lemme take you to a show
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| Wo-wo-wo-wo-wo-wo-wo-wo-wohhh
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| Eat a candy, you are dandy
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| Can I kiss you? Maybe I’ll just hold your hand-eeee!
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| [Instrumental]
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| Lemme take you to the beach again
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| La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
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| Lemme take you to the beach again
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| La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-lahhh
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| At the freak-out
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| Later we’ll peak out
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| You’re on restriction
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| So you’ll probably sneak out
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| [Notes by FZ on “The Guitar World according to Frank Zappa” - 1987] This is a short chamber orchestra piece originally composed as a vehicle for violinist Jean-Luc Ponty, re-orchestrated here as a solo vehicle for guitar. The original recording featured Chester Thompson on drums. Chad’s part has been overdubbed as part of the ongoing UMRK digital refurbishment project. The segment began as an improvised solo, played in the studio to the existing track. Bruce Fowler transcribed it and quadrupled it with trombone parts recorded at various speeds. Other examples of transcribed doubling can be found on the “Waka/Jawaka” and “Man from Utopia” albums.
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 Art by Gary Panter.jpg "(Front) Art by Gary Panter")
 Art by Gary Panter.jpg "(LP back) Art by Gary Panter")
 Art by Gary Panter.jpg "(Inlay of CD of 1995) Art by Gary Panter")
Songs list
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Title origin
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