| [Ray White] The Illinois enema bandit
|
| I heard he’s on the loose
|
| I heard he’s on the loose
|
| Lord, the pitiful screams
|
| Of all them college-educated women…
|
| He’d just be tyin’ ‘em up
|
| (They’d be all bound down)
|
| He just be pumpin’ every one of ‘em up with all the bag fulla…
|
| The Illinois enema bandit juice
|
| He just be pumpin’ every one of ‘em up with all the bag fulla…
|
| The Illinois enema bandit juice
|
| He just be pumpin’ every one of ‘em up with all the bag fulla…
|
| The Illinois enema bandit juice
|
| He just be pumpin’ every one of ‘em up with all the bag fulla…
|
| The Illinois enema bandit juice
|
|
|
| The Illinois enema bandit
|
| I heard it on the news
|
| I heard it on the news
|
| Bloomington, Illinois… he has caused some alarm
|
| Just sneakin’ around there from farm to farm
|
| He’s got a rubberized bag and a hose on his arm
|
| Lookin’ for some rustic co-ed rump
|
| That he just might wanna pump
|
| Lookin’ for some rustic co-ed rump
|
| That he just might wanna pump
|
| Lookin’ for some rustic co-ed rump
|
| That he just might wanna pump
|
|
|
| [Instrumental]
|
|
|
| [Ray White] The Illinois enema bandit
|
| One day he’ll have to pay
|
| Someday he’ll have to pay
|
|
|
| [FZ] The police will say: “You’re under arrest!”
|
| And then the judge would have him for a special guest
|
| And then the D.A. will order a secret test
|
| Stuff his pudgy little thumbs in the side of his vest
|
| Then they’ll put out a call for the jury folks
|
| And then the judge would say: “No poo-poo jokes!”
|
| They’ll drag in the bandit for all to see
|
| Sayin’: “Don’t nobody have no sympathy…
|
| Hot soapy water in the third degree”
|
| And the bandit might say… (Ha ha!)
|
|
|
| Did you cause (What is it, Ray?) this misery?
|
| (You see a good one down there?)
|
| Well, did you cause this misery?
|
| Well, did you cause this misery?
|
| Well, one girl shout: “LET THE BANDIT BE!”
|
|
|
| Bandit, are you guilty?
|
| Tell me, did you do these deeds?
|
| Another girl shout: ✄ “WOW, LET THE FIEND GO FREE!”
|
|
|
| Bandit, are you guilty?
|
| Tell me, did you do these deeds?
|
| You know what he said?
|
| “It must be just what they all needs…”
|
| “It must be just what they all needs…”
|
| “It must be just what they all needs…”
|
| (I believe that)
|
| “It must be just what they all need…”
|
|
|
| [Ray White] He just be pumpin’ every one of ‘em up with all the bag fulla…
|
| “It must be just what they all need…”
|
| He just be pumpin’ every one of ‘em up with all the bag fulla…
|
| “It must be just what they all need…”
|
| He just be pumpin’ every one of ‘em up with all the bag fulla…
|
| “It must be just what they all need…”
|
| The Illinois enema bandit juice
|
| He just be pumpin’ every one of ‘em up with all the bag fulla…
|
| “It must be just what they all need…”
|
| The Illinois enema bandit juice
|
|
|
| The Illinois…
|
| The Illinois…
|
| Ain’t talkin’ ‘bout Fontana ▶
|
| Ain’t talkin’ ‘bout Potato-Headed Bobby ▶
|
| Talkin’ ‘bout the Illinois…
|
| Illinois enema bandit…
|
| JUICE!
|
|
|
| [FZ] Alright!
|
| No, no, don’t eat it
|
| No, no, don’t eat it
|
| No, no, don’t eat it
|
| No, no, don’t eat it
|
|
|
| [FZ] Dreamed I was an Eskimo
|
| Frozen wind began to blow
|
| Under my boots an’ around my toe
|
| Frost had bit the ground below
|
| Was a hundred degrees below zero
|
| And my momma cried:
|
| “Nanook! Nanook!
|
| Nanook! Nanook!
|
| Nanook, no, no
|
| Save your money: don’t go to the show”
|
| And I turned around an’ I said:
|
| “HO HO”
|
| An’ the northern lites commenced t’glow
|
| An’ she looked at me
|
| With a tear in her eye
|
| And she said:
|
| “Watch out where the huskies go
|
| An’ don’t you eat that yellow snow
|
| Watch out where the huskies go
|
| An’ don’t you eat that yellow snow”
|
|
|
| Well, right about that time, people
|
| A fur trapper
|
| Who was strictly from commercial
|
| Strictly commercial
|
| Had the unmitigated audacity to jump up from behind my igyaloo
|
| Peek-a-boo woo-ooo-ooo
|
| And he started in to whippin’ on my fav’rite baby seal
|
| With a lead-filled snow shoe…
|
|
|
| I said:
|
| “With a lead…
|
| Lead…
|
| Filled…
|
| Lead-filled…
|
| With a lead-filled snow shoe…”
|
| Snow shoe
|
| Peak-a-boo
|
| Peek-a-boo
|
| “With a lead…
|
| Lead…
|
| With a lead-filled…
|
| Lead-filled…
|
| With a lead-filled snow shoe…”
|
| Snow shoe
|
| And he said: “Peak-a-boo”
|
| Peek-a-boo
|
|
|
| He jumped up from behind my igyaloo and he said: “Peak-a-boo”
|
| With a lead-filled snow shoe…
|
| Right on… Right upside the head of my favorite baby seal, he said: “Peak-a-boo”, with a lead-filled snow shoe
|
| Hit him on the nose and hit him on the fin
|
|
|
| You know, that got me just about as evil as ▶ an Eskimo boy can be…
|
|
|
| Got me evil as ▶ an Eskimo boy can be…
|
| So I reached down with my patented Nanook of the North whale blubber mitten
|
| And I scooped down an’ I reached down an’ I bent down an’ I gathered up a generous mitten full of the deadly…
|
| Yellow snow
|
| The deadly yellow snow from right there where the huskies go
|
|
|
| And then, in a fit of anger
|
| I pounced
|
| And I pounced again
|
| I jumped up an’ down on the chest of the…
|
| I injured the fur trapper
|
| And then I took my mitten with the deadly yellow snow crystals and I proceeded to rub it all into his beady little eyes with a vigorous circular motion hitherto unknown to Sydney
|
| But destined to take the place of THE MUD SHARK ▶ in your mythology
|
| Here it is, hey!
|
|
|
| Really cheap, isn’t it?
|
| Goddamn, that’s cheap
|
| That’s so cheap we’re gonna do it again
|
| That’s enough, OK
|
|
|
| Well, by that time
|
| The extract of the northern dog
|
| Had induced in the fur trapper
|
| A terrible case of temporary
|
| Snow blindness
|
| And he turned around and he said:
|
| “I CAN’T SEE
|
| I CAN’T SEE, TEMPORARILY
|
| I CAN’T SEE
|
| I CAN’T SEE, TEMPORARILY
|
| WHAT IF THERE’S SOMETHING GOOD ON TV
|
| I… I CAN’T SEE, TEMPORARILY
|
| AND I CAN’T SEE
|
| I… I CAN’T SEE, TEMPORARILY
|
|
|
| He took a dog… a dog-doo snow cone an’ stuffed it in my right eye
|
| An’ he took a dog-doo snow cone an’ stuffed it in my other eye
|
| An’ the huskie wee-wee, I mean, the doggie wee-wee has blinded me
|
| Temporarily
|
| And, oh Lord, I can’t see”
|
|
|
| Well, here we have a deflicted fur trapper, folks
|
| Wandering around in the middle of the desolate northern wasteland
|
| Can’t tell where he’s going
|
| And he wants to get home in time to watch something good on TV
|
| Well, he doesn’t know it but he’s got a lot of time
|
| But he… maybe there’s something that he likes
|
| He has to fix up his eyes before he can watch the television so…
|
| Scratches underneath of his Parka, tries to figure out what he’s gonna do
|
| And remembers an ancient Eskimo legend
|
| Where it is… it is written
|
| On the little things that they write it on, whatever they are
|
| That if anything bad ever happens to your eyes
|
| As the result of physical combat
|
| With anybody named Nanook
|
| And if, therefore
|
| He rubs some dog-doo crystals in your eye
|
| And you have problems
|
| (It actually says this, folks!)
|
| That the only way that you can fix it up
|
| Is you gotta go trudgin’ across the tundra…
|
| Mile after mile
|
| All the way down to the Columbia River delta
|
| It’s really funky down there, I’m tellin’ ya
|
| And he’s gotta go down to find
|
| The parish of Saint Alfonzo
|
| Saint Alfonzo was the patron saint of the smelt fishermen of Portuguese extraction
|
| And he’s gotta bust into the pantry
|
| At Saint Alfonzo’s parish
|
| And he’s got to locate
|
| A mysterious elixir
|
| Disguised as a box of mar-juh-rene
|
| And his instructions are
|
| To rub it on his deflicted eyes
|
| Until some sort of miraculous cure will take place
|
| In the next episode
|
| We follow the fur trapper as he trudges across the tundra
|
| Direct to Saint Alfonzo’s parish…
|
| And it goes something like this…
|
| Hoopla!
|
|
|
| Well, here we are!
|
|
|
| At Saint Alfonzo’s pancake breakfast
|
| Where I stole the mar-juh-rene
|
| An’ widdled on the bingo cards in lieu of the latrine
|
|
|
| I saw a handsome parish lady
|
| Make her entrance like a queen
|
| Why, she was totally chenille and her old man was a Marine
|
|
|
| As she abused a sausage pattie
|
| And said: “Why don’t you treat me mean?”
|
| (Hurt me) Hurt me (Hurt me) Hurt me (Hurt me, oooooh!)
|
|
|
| At Saint Alfonzo’s pancake breakfast
|
| Hah! Good God! Get off the bus!
|
| Where I sto-o-ole…
|
| Where I sto-ole…
|
| Where I sto-o-o-wo-wo-wole…
|
| Woo woo woo
|
| The mar-juh-rene
|
|
|
| Yeah, I made it down to Saint Alfonzo’s parish, I did
|
| Made it into the pantry down there
|
| I finally discovered what I was looking for
|
| I groped my way past the peas
|
| And I groped my way past the asparagus
|
| And I groped my way past the cauliflower
|
| Groped my way and I groped my way
|
| I don’t mind groping my way
|
| And I groped my way and I found the mar-juh-rene
|
| There it was, there was a little left over from the pancake breakfast
|
| Reached in
|
| Pulled out a lump of the stuff
|
| Then I rubbed it on my right hand eye
|
| And I took it and I
|
| Rubbed it on my left hand eye
|
| Started feeling a little bit better
|
| And I contemplated on the mystery and the majesty of the mar-juh-rene
|
| I said to myself the “M”
|
| The “M” of mar-juh-rene
|
| Must under these circumstances
|
| Symbolize
|
| “Marsupial”
|
| And the “A” under these circumstances
|
| Must symbolize
|
| The constellation of “Andromeda”
|
| And the “R”
|
| Under these circumstances
|
| Must constitute
|
| “Ridiculous”
|
| Which is what these circumstances actually are!
|
| Then there’s a hyphen
|
| “M-A-R”
|
| Don’t lose the continuity, folks, there’s a
|
| “M-A-R” hyphen
|
| And as I said last night
|
| And I’ll say it again because I liked it
|
| The first hyphen in mar-juh-rene
|
| Could be used for erotic gratification
|
| By a very desperate stenographer
|
| “M-A-R” hyphen, “J”
|
| “J”
|
| Wha— What’s a “J” tonight? Uh…
|
| “J” is for Jesus, and we all know he loves you, ha ha ha ha!
|
| Well, some of you people will go for that and some of you won’t
|
| What’s the difference?
|
| Just thought I’d throw it in. Then there’s a “U”
|
| That “U” is for everybody who believes what the “J” stood for
|
| And also we have a subordinate “U” for the rest of you who go: “Huh?”
|
| And then there’s an “H” which stands for
|
| Or used to about two years ago, stand for “homunculus” ▶
|
| And then there’s another hyphen
|
| “M-A-R”, hyphen, “J-U-H”, hyphen
|
| The second hyphen tonight, ladies and gentlemen
|
| Could be used…
|
| Could be used…
|
| Ha ha ha!
|
| It could be used on you if you bent right over
|
| And then… if you were very short, of course
|
| And sensitive
|
| “M-A-R”, hyphen, “J-U-H”, hyphen, “R”
|
| There’s another “R”
|
| This “R” will stand for “Rebus”, which is a… puzzle with pictures in it
|
| Then there’s an “E”
|
| It’s a very long obnoxious “E” to the n-th degree
|
| And then there’s an “N”
|
| Which is the “N” of the “E” with the n-th degree
|
| And then there’s a tiny weeny dwindling-off little “E” on the end of the thing
|
| By the time I’d finished spelling mar-juh-rene
|
| Correctly, including two hyphens
|
| My eyes felt a lot better and I was ready for the next part of the song
|
 Photo by John Williams.jpg "(Front) Photo by John Williams")
 Photo by John Williams.jpg "(Booklet of Finer Moment) Photo by John Williams")
Title origin |
Songs list
| 
Watch video
|