| Album notes by FZ
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| The legend of Cletus Awreetus-Awrightus and the Grand Wazoo
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| Uncle Meat is in the basement of his secret laboratory. The lights are dim. All around the basement mysterious wires and cables dangle over, out of, around and through an unlikely collection of dust-covered desks, trunks, umbrella stands, and a huge maroon sofa ▶, terminating in a fake maple book case like you might get if you ordered the whole Collier’s encyclopedia at one time.
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| Stu (which is Uncle Meat’s first name) crouches malignantly near the book case, fumbling through a stack of books, records, newspaper clippings, religious pamphlets, and campaign buttons. He applies light friction to the rash on his throat, muttering: “Yes, yes… it’s all here… every bit of it… everything I need to create my greatest masterpiece!”
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| Excitedly stuffing the whole bundle into the topmost empty shelf of the book case, Stu dodges swiftly to the desk, applies his protective green visor and garden gloves, laughs his special pseudo-scientific laugh, and jerks vigorously on the handle of that big electrical switch he uses all the time. As you might expect, big sparks poot out of everything and the overhead bulb blinks on and off. A filtered cello section goes “DUNT-DUNT-DUNNNNN” ▶, but you can’t hear it because the sound effects are too loud.
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| When he turns the switch off, all the sparks stop, and all the noise stops, and the books and pamphlets, etc. have vanished. In their place, outside the lab, not more than 5 furlongs distant, is a life-size, minutely detailed, historically inaccurate, somewhat perverted illusionary replica of ANCIENT ROME or something.
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| The ruler of this illusion is CLETUS AWREETUS-AWRIGHTUS, The Funky Emperor. CLETUS has a fantastic army of unemployed musicians. Him and the army run the place when they’re not out fighting the war with the illusionary arch-villain, MEDIOCRATES OF PEDESTRIUM. MEDIOCRATES also has a fantastic army. These two armies punch out every week on Monday.
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| Score of the weekly battle is posted on billboards, telephone-pole flyers, spray-painted aqueducts, and stone tables called THE CHARTS.
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| Every emperor, funky or not, has problems to deal with, and CLETUS is no exception. Aside from the long-drawn war, there is a problem of civic unrest. A grotesque cult of masochistic ascetic fanatics who don’t like music has sprung up in the catacombs beneath the emperor’s very sauna bath. These people are called QUESTIONS.
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| CLETUS deals with them benevolently in the civic auditorium. After they are captured and held in abeyance for one while, announcements are made to the rest of the PUBLIC AT LARGE proclaiming a FESTIVAL.
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| The QUESTIONS are stampeded into your usual dirt-floor oval arena. It is at this point CLETUS, in full regalia enters, and speaks to the QUESTIONS through an oversize primitive-but-effective megaphone known as THE GRAND WAZOO. First he says: “Hi, cats and kittens!”, to which the audience responds: “AWREETUS! AWRIGHTUS! AWREETUS, CLETUS!” Whereupon the emperor asks: “Any you folks sing, dance, or play a musical instrument?” In some rare instances a QUESTION or two will arise from the fanatics and raise his or her hand to signify some repressed talent or interest in things of a musical nature. These reformed QUESTIONS are permitted to leave the arena and join CLETUS’s army (which is, in reality, a BIG BAND). Instead of bootcamp, they get sent to work in one of the many beer-dispensing topless / bottomless nightclubs under the careful instruction of a sensitive, understanding CLUB OWNER who will train them for the big stuff.
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| The QUESTIONS that don’t answer the first time are given a second chance when a scantily-clad nubile maiden dashes into their midst with gaily painted cardboard box containing SPOONS, and, if they show some indication of natural rhythm in the use thereof, they are released and sent to Nashville.
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| Having been as fair as possible to the prisoners, CLETUS must now, regretfully, dispose of the ones who refuse to alter their unmusical ways. Bowing his head in official sadness, he gives the secret cue to the electric piano player in the pit orchestra, who cranks off a funky intro. At the conclusion of this, signified by the entrance of the drum set and electric guitars, a procession of union reps, squealers, goons, and contractors, all tastefully dressed, tug mightily on the end of strain-resistant nylon Hauser, which propels a disturbingly large Radio Flyer wagon into the center of the arena.
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| The wagon contains a giant aquarium sort of thing, in which we see writhing an impressive amount of U.D.T. (UnDifferentiated Tissue), a symbolic accumulation of all the statistical errors and failed attempts of this empire’s illusionary scientific community. The fetid tank is towed to within lethal proximity of the unmusicals. The union people go away, as they always do, and, after receiving a series of congratulations, awards, business cards, and fund donations, hold a board meeting off to the side, wherein it is unanimously decided to provide an ultimate solution for the QUESTIONS. The solution itself is released when a high guitar twang shatters the glass of the U.D.T. tank. It burbles and fumes for a few moments, finally gulping them all down. A hush falls over the arena as the vapors dissipate and the pit orchestra makes triumphal reprise of the opening figure.
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| After the fun of the arena, it’s back to work as usual for CLETUS. He returns to his regal chamber for a formal dinner with his staff. On his right, the ones that give him the support he needs: ERRONEOUS, his bass player, GREGARIOUS, his drummer, and PER DIEM, his roadie.
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| On his left, he keeps those other kind of people that tend to hang out with your average emperor: TRIVIA, a hot girl who likes to get flogged, CRETINOUS, the biographer, NEFARIOUS, the guy with the long, stringy moustache who gives advice, EQUILIBRIUM, the pharmacist, DYSMENORRHEA, the squinting female oracle, PHOTON, the lighting director, and so forth down the table.
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| Each week, at the same point in the dinner ceremony, just before they serve the oiled pessaries, an exhausted runner crashes through the doors, falls to his knees before the emperor, and wheezes: “They’re coming! Quickly! We’ll be surrounded!” The runner is then revived (he always blacks out right then) with a transistor radio tuned to Wolfman Jack.
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| Once his consciousness has been regained, guards remove him to another area where he is pumped and waxed for further information.
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| CLETUS immediately calls his service. Instructions are given for BENHUR BARRET to contract the whole army (if Motown will let him take any outside jobs, this being perhaps the most outside job he could get). The combined forces of the Army Awreetus include 5,000 brass players (assorted) which is THE AIR FORCE, 5,000 drummers (assorted) which is THE ARTILLERY, 5,000 players of electric instruments (assorted) which is THE CHEMICAL / BIOLOGICAL / PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE SECTION, and 5,000 guys with masonite boards strapped on their chests, each one firmly grasping half a coconut shell in either hand which they pummel rhythmically on the board… this is THE CAVALRY. CLETUS leads them into battle with his gleaming MYSTERY HORN (many believe this instrument to be nothing more than a ‘C’ Melody Saxophone, borrowed from Jackie Kelso).
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| The enemy army of MEDIOCRATES OF PEDESTRIUM (known as THE M.O.P.) has similar sections, except for a new platoon of sinister mercenaries called THE STRING SECTION, or alternately, THE SWEETENER. The main difference between the two armies, however, is THE M.O.P. is heavy on vocals.
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| The M.O.P. has 5,000 dynamic male vocalists in tuxedos who stand in the middle of the road, loosen their bow ties, and arch one eyebrow, 5,000 dynamic male vocalists with fringed smocks, tunics, jumpers, and Nudie shirts, 5,000 dynamic (but carefully understated) male vocalists in old Levi clothes who cry, sulk, whimper, and play harmonica, plus 5,000 more dynamic performers of indeterminate sex who can’t sing at all, but dance good and do hot moves with the mike wire.
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| These are reinforced by 100,000 black girl backup singers (assorted) who sway in a trained manner and get funky on command. As if that weren’t enough, there’s another 5,000 girl Lead Singers, many of which are so sensitive they’re invisible and the rest of which are so overwhelming they hurt your eyes whenever the light gets on them.
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| Every Monday, THE M.O.P. marches into Awreetus Country and lines up outside the main metropolitan area. By means of small-but-powerful portable transmitter, the combined forces of MEDIOCRATES proceed to croon, strut, blither, and bloop a suspiciously accessible barrage of DITTIES into the airwaves in an attempt to anesthetize the decent townspeople into drooling submission.
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| CLETUS an’ the Army Awreetus defend their turf by marching to a nearby hummock and playing a shuffle.
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| [Notes by FZ on “Circular” - October 9, 1972]
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| This is dedicated to Calvin Schenkel, a long-time friend who has been responsible to a large extent for anything graphic / visual associated with the MOI (from album covers to billboards to the animated sequence in “200 Motels”).
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| The story depicted in the lyrics refers to a mysterious “Schenkel Mirage” which occurred while he was driving to work. The details are a bit deep, but perhaps you can use your imagination and extrapolate a situation from the text:
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| Where did they go?
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| Where did they come from?
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| What has become of them now?
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| How much was the leakage from the drain in the night?
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| And who are those dudes in the back seat of Calvin’s car?
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| What did they do
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| When they got off the car?
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| Did they go get a sandwich
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| And eat in the dark?
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| What did they do with the waxed-paper bundles
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| When the sandwiches vanished and the crumbs fell all over?
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| Where did they go?
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| Where did they come from?
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| Where d’ya think they’re gonna re-appear tomorrow?
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| [“The True Story of Calvin & His Hitch-hikers” by Cal Schenkel - 2000]
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| My ‘39 Pontiac was in the shop & so I had borrowed a car from Frank. It was this 1959 white Mark VIII Jaguar that used to belong to Captain Beefheart that Janet was using at the time. When it worked. You know, the one they slashed the seats in ▶ (but I don’t remember that).
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| I just left Frank’s house & I’m stopped at the corner of Mulholland & Laurel Canyon Blvd. waiting for a red light to change, when I notice these 2 hitch-hikers, a hippie couple standing there waiting for a ride. The next thing I know they are getting in the back of the car. I guess they must have thought I offered them a ride (I didn’t tell them to come into my car or motion them or anything - I wasn’t even thinking of it), so I ask them where they are going & they didn’t say ANYTHING!
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| I drive down Laurel Canyon Blvd. past the Log Cabin, past Harry Houdini’s, past the Country Store & into Hollywood. (I’m with Sherri at the time, but I forgot that until she told me a couple of months ago - & she remembers all this too!). I get to the bottom of the hill, I was going to turn right. I kind of asked them: “Look I’m turning right, do you want to get out here?” They didn’t say anything. They were just blank. I figured they were on acid or something. I just couldn’t communicate with them. I wasn’t sure what to do, so I just continued on to my destination.
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| When I get there I said: “OK, this is where I’m going. Goodbye!” They just stayed in the car & didn’t get out. So I parked the car, got out & went up to my studio & started to work. I was working on the album cover for “Uncle Meat”. This is in my studio that was a dentist’s office over a hotdog joint on Melrose.
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| Every once in a while I’d look out of the window to see if they were gone but they were still sitting in the back seat of the car. An hour or two later, I looked out the window & I noticed they were gone. I thought: “Finally!” Then shortly afterwards, I saw that they were back! They went to the supermarket for a loaf of bread & lunchmeat & started making sandwiches in the back of the car. They were eating their lunch! Then they left.
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| Where did they go?
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| When did they come from?
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| What has become of them now?
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| How much was the leakage from the drain in the night
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| And who are those dudes in the back seat of Calvin’s car?
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| Where did they go
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| When they got off the car?
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| Did they go get a sandwich
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| And eat in the dark?
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| [Instrumental]
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 Art by Cal Schenkel.jpg "(Front) Art by Cal Schenkel")
.jpg "(LP inside left)")
.jpg "(LP inside right)")
 Art by Cal Schenkel.jpg "(Back) Art by Cal Schenkel")
Title origin |
Cover info |
Songs list
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