Playground psychotics

Linked material:

Playground psychotics

Disc 1

1 Here comes the gear, lads
2 The living garbage truck
3 A typical sound check
4 “This is neat”
5 The motel lobby
6 Getting stewed
7 The motel room
8 “Don’t take me down”
9 The dressing room
10 Learning “Penis dimension”
11 “You there, with the hard on!”
12 Zanti serenade [Ian Underwood, Don Preston, Frank Zappa]
13 Divan
14 Sleeping in a jar
15 “Don’t eat there” {A pound for a brown}
16 Brixton still life {A pound for a brown}
17 Super grease [The Mothers of Invention, Frank Zappa]
18 Wonderful wino [Frank Zappa, Jeff Simmons]
19 Sharleena
20 Cruisin’ for burgers
21 Diphtheria blues [The Mothers of Invention]
22 Well [Walter Ward]
23 Say please [John Lennon, Yoko Ono, Frank Zappa]
24 Aaawk [John Lennon, Yoko Ono, Frank Zappa]
25 Scum bag [John Lennon, Yoko Ono, Howard Kaylan, Frank Zappa]
26 A small eternity with Yoko Ono [John Lennon, Yoko Ono]

Disc 2

1 Beer shampoo

2 Champagne lecture {Call any vegetable}

3 Childish perversions

4 Playground psychotics

5 The mudshark interview

6 “There’s no lust in jazz”

7 Botulism on the hoof

8 You got your armies

9 The spew king

10 I’m doomed

11 Status back baby

12 The London cab tape

13 Concentration moon - Part 1

14 The Sanzini brothers [Ian Underwood, Mark Volman, Howard Kaylan]

15 “It’s a good thing we get paid to do this”

16 Concentration moon - Part 2

17 Mom & Dad

18 Intro to music for low-budget orchestra

19 Billy the mountain

20 He’s watching us

21 If you’re not a professional actor

22 He’s right

23 Going for the money

24 Jeff quits

25 A bunch of adventures

26 Martin Lickert’s story

27 A great guy

28 Bad acting

29 The worst reviews

30 A version of himself

31 I could be a star now

All compositions by Frank Zappa, except as noted above.

Album notes by FZ

This album moves beyond mere rock & roll into the dangerous realm of social anthropology. It offers to younger musicians the chance to participate vicariously in the touring world of the early 1970’s (way back when it was still sort of fun to do).

Most of the dialog recordings were made by me on a portable Uher 7½ ips recorder, except where otherwise indicated. The musical selections are from live analog recordings originating from either the Fillmore East N.Y.C. (16 track), the Pauley Pavilion, UCLA (4 track), or the Rainbow Theatre, London (8 track).

Disc 1

1. Here comes the gear, lads

[Notes by FZ] As we depart for the first date of the tour, Dunbar’s accused of sounding like one of the voices from the Beatles TV cartoon series.

[Aynsley Dunbar] Here comes the gear, lads!

[Howard Kaylan] Dunbar

[Jeff Simmons] “Here comes the gear, lads”

[Howard Kaylan] I’m telling you, man…

[Jeff Simmons] Sounds like the Beatles cartoons

[Howard Kaylan] Key down

[Aynsley Dunbar] Just keep your mouth shut, you… curly!

[?] Look at those little cars! The race cars

[Mark Volman] It does sound like the Beatles cartoons

[?] Does it?

[Mark Volman] “Hey, John Lennon here…”

[Jeff Simmons] “Hey, wankers, there goes the gear”

[Passenger agent] Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, this is your passenger agent. Like to welcome you aboard United’s flight 664 to Spokane. We’re departing in just a few more minutes. And we’ll just be a couple minutes delayed due to loading some extra baggage.

[Mark Volman] Could that be ours?

[Passenger agent] I’d like to remind you that the bags you’ve carried on today should be stored underneath the seat in front of you…

[Mark Volman] Howard?

[Passenger agent] During the flight

[Howard Kaylan] Uh, yes, Mark

[Mark Volman] Would you like some film?

[Howard Kaylan] I would

[?] Hey, they’re gonna take the first class mail on

[Passenger agent] Hope you have a pleasant trip, and thank you for flying United

[Hostess] Good night, all

Ha ha

Now, the trip…

This is great!

2. The living garbage truck

[Notes by FZ] When we arrive, an industrious Reprise Records promo man has arranged for us to have a group photo taken in a garbage truck parked on the airport tarmac.

[Bruce Bissell] Bruce Bissell…

[FZ] What?

[Bruce Bissell] From Reprise Records

[FZ] Hi, there, how you doing?

[Bruce Bissell] How you doing? Nice to see you again.

[FZ] Yeah

[Bruce Bissell] How’s it going?

[FZ] Well, it’s all right

[Bruce Bissell] Good. Hey, we got a neat publicity stunt we’d like to try.

[FZ] What’s the stunt?

[Bruce Bissell] We got a garbage truck. We’d like to get some pictures of you and the Mothers on it.

[FZ] That’s probably one of the most terrible ideas I ever heard in my life! Are we going down there?

[Bruce Bissell] Yeah

[Mark Volman] You’d love it, you know that?

[Bruce Bissell] And uh… we got that newspaper here to cover it and uh… plus, the front of the chart and stuff

[FZ] The front of the chart…

[Bruce Bissell] Yes, the uh… FM chart that’s put out here in Vancouver, has a distribution of about fifty thousand

[Ian Underwood?] What’s happening?

[FZ] What do you think, Dick?

[Dick Barber] What? A photo at the garbage truck?

[Bruce Bissell] I think it’s really gonna be a great idea. I really do.

I think we can do it on the other side and then…

✄ But it won’t be lonely for long

What’s the deal?

[Howard Kaylan] Must we stand amidst the scum to get the idea across?

[Jeff Simmons] ✄ Where are you on this… long hot summer, where are you on this…

[Mark Volman] Are we going in it?

[?] Do you think you could possibly like climb up on the tire and put a foot there?

[?] […] as much as you can. Yeah, there’s a ladder. Yeah.

3. A typical sound check

[Notes by FZ] Our wretched equipment was always falling apart, our monitor system was almost non-existent, and the PA was always distorted.

[Jeff Simmons] Find out where…

[?] Get some…

[Mark Volman] All skate. Men only!

[Dick Barber] Hunh?

[?] So don’t…

[Aynsley Dunbar] Man, you shou— you shoulda brought the fucking […]

[?] Gotta put that sign out in front, man

[Mark Volman] Got to get that sign out in the front

[?] Pack it up beside of the bass player

[Howard Kaylan] Why?

[Aynsley Dunbar] Because I… I’m gonna have to fucking nail this in. It’s gonna take about five minutes to nail the thing in every time we go on.

[Dick Barber] Well, get a piece

[Mark Volman] Can we get it hooked up? Can we put it up? Stand it up? […]

[?] Talk to the kids running […]

[Jeff Simmons] We could be an even closer

[?] Add some more weirdness

[?] Hey man

[?] Hey, we […] right here, man

[?] You want these two together?

[?] […] right there

[?] Well…

[Mark Volman] Perverse!

[George Duke] What’s in my […]

[Mark Volman] Let’s see, my washboard’s in the car. My false breast is in the car.

[?] Hey, Bob?

[?] Bob

[Aynsley Dunbar] See, they gotta have two holes here

[?] Bob!

[Dick Barber?] Yeah

[Jeff Simmons] Where’s your pliers?

[Ian Underwood?] Oh, we got our amps switched. I should be having that amp.

[Howard Kaylan] Put on your costumes

[Mark Volman] If you do not hear me

You may now walk out

For I am here

And I am talking

4. “This is neat”

[Notes by FZ] We rented station wagons for ground transportations and various members took turns driving them.

[Howard Kaylan] This is neat!

[Jeff Simmons] Spending a night in the motel

[Howard Kaylan] This is about the neatest Holiday Inn I’ve seen in days. The rooms are in Foon’s name, eh? Look at that, wild coyotes!

[FZ] He he he he

[Mark Volman] OK, uh… you guys wanna wait while I go in and check?

[FZ] Yeah, you’re the straightest-lookin’ member here

[Howard Kaylan] Really, why don’t you go in and see if you…

[Mark Volman] Yeah, man, right over there, right behind our car

[Howard Kaylan] Singles!

[Mark Volman] They’re already set up that way

[?] Sure

[Howard Kaylan] Oh, good

5. The motel lobby

[Notes by FZ] The main conversation here is between Dick Barber (a.k.a. “The Gnarler”, a.k.a. “Foon”, a.k.a. “The Pomona Polaris”) our road manager (eventually seen as the industrial vacuum cleaner in “200 Motels”), and Howard Kaylan.

[Howard Kaylan] Sure, man, and I’ll go until two and I’m gonna be in there supporting ‘em, in fact I’ll sit in with those guys. I’m into it, I’ll sing a little ♫ “BLUE MOON”.

[Mark Volman] Hey, man

[Dick Barber] Listen, this is a nice place, man, it’s got a beautiful room

[Howard Kaylan] Don’t give me that, man, it’s plastic city, it bites, the guy behind…

[Dick Barber] Relax and enjoy some of the wo— wonderments of nature

[Howard Kaylan] No, no, no, no, the guy behind the desk is a werewolf. You can’t give me any of that, the chick over there’s been dead for twenty minutes. I’m hip to this place, I’ve seen ‘em in my sleep, man.

[Dick Barber] Hey, listen, I’ve never seen you this way, man

[Howard Kaylan] No, man, I’m not keyed at all

[Dick Barber] You’re unpleasant

[Howard Kaylan] I’m not unpleasant! I can’t wait to sign the card and check into my little closet. Unpack my leather cape, hang it up on the wall, get out the washboard, put away my nitty books and get into it! I’m gonna go down and cruise in that lounge, man, I’m gonna have…

[Dick Barber] Watch this, it’s right in there, just step right in

[Howard Kaylan] I’m gonna take a look

[?] Hello, Frank

[Howard Kaylan] Ooohoowwoh!

[Mark Volman] Hey, what is this, man? Is this the can-can room?

[Howard Kaylan] This place waits for us, man

[Mark Volman] This place waits us! Is there a piano?

[Howard Kaylan] There’s a jukebox with a lotta hokie country songs on it. I am coming in here and getting blotto in about ten minutes.

[Mark Volman] Oh, man, me too!

6. Getting stewed

[Notes by FZ] Enjoying a refreshing beverage in a warm friendly atmosphere.

[Howard Kaylan] Yes, ladies and gentlemen, coming to you direct from high atop the Konrad Adenauer Inn. Just a short forty-five minute rocket flight from where Cape Canaveral meets the Alcan Highway, twenty minutes down Route 66, just a short hop, skip, and a jump from the corner of Sunset and Fifth Avenue. High atop One Fifth Avenue where we’re listening to the rancid rhythms of Riles Mishnist and his music to make you wanna throw up. Yes, and coming on right after this, ladies and gentlemen, the five rancid fingers of Ben Zedrine and his…

[Mark Volman] Strings, man, and…

[Howard Kaylan] Psilocybin Cut-Ups, yes, ladies and gentlemen, here we go into another thing. No, not into another thing, ladies and gentlemen. I’m glad. That gives me time to say that you’re listening to the National Bum-rushing Company and we’re all sitting around the table here stewed, ladies and gentlemen.

[Aynsley Dunbar] Right on brother. All together.

[Howard Kaylan] And we’re sitting here in Spokane, Washington

[Mark Volman] Right on

[Howard Kaylan] With ♫ “Beyond the reef”

[Mark Volman] The can-can room

[Howard Kaylan] I hope this is it, because I can’t go on filling forever

[Aynsley Dunbar?] Take it

[Howard Kaylan] Come on in, boys!

7. The motel room

[Notes by FZ] Getting ready to go to work.

[Aynsley Dunbar] Leaving in fifty minutes, Frank

[Howard Kaylan] Fifty minutes

[TV] Goldie Hawn for president?

[Howard Kaylan] And everything…

[TV] The future isn’t sunny

[Mark Volman] Fantastic! The world was meant for you. Hey man, have you been checkin’ out that show that’s on called “TV…”

[FZ] No

[Mark Volman] Show on…

[Howard Kaylan] “TV Around the World”, a BBC show. The lowest.

[Mark Volman] “TV Around the World” […]

[TV] How a television program is created

8. “Don’t take me down”

[Notes by FZ] Arriving at the concert while the warm-up band is still on.

[Howard Kaylan] ✄ Not duke, not queen, but king

You haven’t lost your touch, gnarler, you can snork with the best of ‘em

[Mark Volman] This guy said that a couple of guys have broken in doors and shit

[Howard Kaylan] Oh, great, a riot! Just like BERLIN!

[Mark Volman] They broke in doors ‘cause there is a hassle about the bread or something, the money

[?] Can I carry your brief?

[Mark Volman] No, thanks

[?] No?

[Howard Kaylan] Can I brief your carry?

[?] I’ll do it

[Howard Kaylan] Really! Wanna be my wife for an hour?

[Howard Kaylan] Right on! Right on!

[Opening act] Thank you very much

[Howard Kaylan] Right on!

[Opening act] That’s right, don’t take me down. Don’t do it.

[Howard Kaylan] Don’t do it! Don’t take me down! I don’t wanna go down no more!

9. The dressing room

[Notes by FZ] Wasting away until it’s our turn.

Big John Mazmanian! ▶

GAS RONDA!

FUNNY CAR!

SUNDAY!

[FZ] Thank you

[Aynsley Dunbar] You’re welcome

[Howard Kaylan] Hey, listen!

[Mark Volman] My throat…

[Howard Kaylan] Send me twelve eight by ten glossies in Monday’s mail

[?] Fifty bucks a piece

[Howard Kaylan] Fifty bucks a piece? Cheap at twice the price. Call my service.

[?] Right

[Howard Kaylan] Thanks a lot man, would really… a funny door!

10. Learning “Penis dimension”

[Notes by FZ] Rehearsing the monologue to this controversial song’s premiere.

[Mark Volman] “Hi, friends. Now, just be honest about it, friends and neighbors. Did you ever consider the possibility that your penis, and in the case of many dignified ladies, that size of the titties themselves might possibly provide elements of subconscious tension?”

[Howard Kaylan] See, the trouble here, Frank, lies in the fact that on that sheet it says “that size”, it doesn’t say “that the size” therefore it was…

[FZ] Get a pencil and write in “that the size”

[Mark Volman] Could I have a…

[Howard Kaylan] Well, I’m sorry

[Mark Volman] “Weird, twisted anxieties which could force a person to become a politician, a policeman, a narc, a casket maker”

[Jeff Simmons?] An usher!

[George Duke?] A musician

[Mark Volman] “Or in the case of the ladies, the ones that can’t afford a silicone beef-up, become writers of hot books”

[Howard Kaylan] “I placed my burning phallus between her quivering quim!”

[Mark Volman] “A Carmelite nun!”

[Howard Kaylan] “She placed my burning phallus between her quivering quim!”

[Mark Volman] “Or jockeys! There is no reason why you or your loved one should suffer. Things are bad enough already without the size of your organs adding even more misery to the troubles of the world! If you’re a lady with munchkin tits, you can console yourself with this age-old line”

[FZ] No: “You can CONSOLE yourself”

[Mark Volman] “You can CONSOLE yourself with this age-old line from…”

[Howard Kaylan] Simmons!

POOH! POO-AHH!

[Mark Volman] “And if you’re a guy…”

[Howard Kaylan] “Anything over a mouthful is wasted”

[Mark Volman] “And if you’re a guy and you’re ashamed of your dick and somebody hits on you one night in a casual conversation and turns to you and says…”

[Howard Kaylan] “Eight inches or less?” ▶

[Mark Volman] “You just swivel right back around and look the son of a bitch straight in the eyes, and say…”

11. “You there, with the hard on!”

[Notes by FZ] Our special relationship with the audience.

[Howard Kaylan] You, you there with the hard-on!

[FZ] With the hard-on, the little napkin, and the small pocket mirror, would you please rise…

[Aynsley Dunbar] That’s me

[Mark Volman] Brian Hyland, ladies and gentlemen!

[Howard Kaylan] Sit down, Aynsley! Not you.

[?] Shut up!

[FZ] Ready?

[Mark Volman] Yes

[FZ] Quick! Before these people revert.

12. Zanti serenade

[Notes by FZ] This was the opening vamp for the ill-fated Rainbow Theatre show. One week earlier all of our gear was destroyed in a fire at the Montreux Casino. We cancelled a week’s worth of dates, went shopping for new gear, and were still trying to make it all work correctly as the show began. What purports to be some sort of avant-garde extravaganza was really just a soundcheck with the audience in attendance.

[Instrumental]

13. Divan

[Notes by FZ] This recording from the Pauley Pavilion is all that remains of a larger piece which included “Sofa” and other material.

Ballen von Zirkon

Und alten Sporthemden, Sporthemden, Sporthemden

Laken von Feuer

Laken von Gummi

Laken von Tränen

Sheets of tears

Ooh ooh ooh awh

Laken von getrocknetem Wasser

Sheets of drywall and roofing

Laken von Drywall und Roofing

Sheets of large deep-fried rumba

Laken von riesigen, tief-gefrorenen Rumba

A light shines down from heaven

A dense ecumenical bandana at the right hand of God’s big rumba

And His voice pronounceth out in sheets of plywood and bales of old sport shirts

And this is what He said:

Beklecker nicht…

Mein Sofa!

And you know what that means

14. Sleeping in a jar

[Instrumental]

15. “Don’t eat there” {A pound for a brown}

[Instrumental]

[Waitress] Are you having breakfast for lunch?

[Howard Kaylan] I’m having breakfast and he’s lunched. I’ll tell you what: what can you give me immediately, if not sooner? Nothing hot, nothing… so that by the time he’s finished eating those hot cakes and those dead things that I will have finished myself.

[Jeff Simmons?] How about an order of sausages?

[Waitress] Bacon and eggs? Are you… Are you gonna have breakfast?

[Dick Barber] No, no, no, no, no

[Howard Kaylan] No, no

[Dick Barber] No, no, no, no, no

[Howard Kaylan] He’ll never go for that

[Aynsley Dunbar] No, no, no […]

[Dick Barber] A roll and some orange juice

[Jeff Simmons] Virginia Graham

[Waitress] Orange juice and uh… a roll, uh-huh?

[Aynsley Dunbar] One stale roll

[Dick Barber] Yeah

[FZ] Bread and water

[Aynsley Dunbar] One stale roll

[Dick Barber] Bread and water

[Waitress] Thank you

[Howard Kaylan] Frank, you really missed it at that club last night. You should have seen what went on, man, if you would have had your tape recorder there, you would have been rolling on the ground, holding your sides. It was the greatest. Everybody was out of it, drinking wine, cheap wine. And then there was this group, this nice tight little group that was playin’ and then they did about two numbers, and they said: “OK, uh… any of you guys wanna come up here?” And of course old stewed Simmons was the first one to check out the cat’s guitar, and so he immediately proceeded to play lead. This chick came out of the audience, man, à la Janis Joplin in a gold lamé, only she was rancid, and she came up there and tried to sing blues changes like Buddy Miles or something, but it just didn’t work and she was singing: “Get yourself together, you are where it’s at”, she did it for like forty minutes, man, it was wonderful, people were applauding every verse.

16. Brixton still life {A pound for a brown}

[Instrumental]

17. Super grease

OOOOOOH AAAAAAH

OOOOH

AAAAH

[Howard Kaylan] Poor baby!

[FZ] Oooooh, don’t like the Greek food in this neighborhood, eh?

OOOOOH

[FZ] Tell me the truth, what did you eat?

[Mark Volman] I ate…

[FZ] Tell me the truth, what did you eat?

[Howard Kaylan] I had a shish kebab

[FZ] Tell me the truth, what did you eat? You didn’t eat?

[Mark Volman] I was having chicken…

[FZ] What did you eat?

[Howard Kaylan] He didn’t eat anything, he drank wine

[Mark Volman] With uh… spinach…

[FZ] What did you eat?

[Mark Volman] And boiled potatoes…

[Jim Pons] I had a roller skate

[Mark Volman] Not just any grease but…

GREASE

[Mark Volman & Howard Kaylan] ✄ The brownness of her body

Makes me sweat inside my crotch

I want so much / bad to kiss her

But she smells of rancid botch / But I smell her rancid botch

Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do

OOOOOOOH WAGH!

[Mark Volman] Grease, grease, I tell ya, all I had was grease, it cost me two dollars and thirty five cents, it was nothing but a plate of grease

[Howard Kaylan] And the wine tasted like…

18. Wonderful wino

✄ Bringing in the sheaves

Bringing in the sheaves

We will come rejoicing

Bringing in the sheaves

WHOA!

L.A. in the summer of ‘69

I went downtown and bought some wine

I wasted my head on three quarts of juice

And now the grapes won’t cut me loose

‘Cause I’m a wino man

Wino man

WINO MAN

36, 24, hips about 30

36, 24, hips about 30

Seen a fine lady and I started talkin’ dirty

Seen a fine lady and I started talkin’ dirty

She looked at me and raised her thumb

Thumb, yeah

And said: “Jam down the road, you funky-ass bum

Jam it down, jam it down, funky-ass bum

That’s no way to talk to a lady!”

‘Cause you’re a wino man

Don’t you know I am?

WINO MAN

I… I went to the country

And while I was gone

A roller-headed lady

Caught me weedling on her lawn

I am so ashamed, ‘cause I’m a wino man

And I can’t help myself

HELP ME SOMEBODY!

[Instrumental]

I’m a wino man

Wino man

Oh Lord!

WINO MAN

My guitar playing

And my wino career are in a slump

‘Cause I find myself now living

In a cardboard refrigerator box down by the Houston dump

And, oh my God, I’m so fuckin’ ashamed of myself

So ashamed of myself

Everytime I get… WHOOAAAH!

I’ve been drinkin’ all night and my eyes are gettin’ red

Well, I crashed in the gutter, got bugs in my head

Bugs in my coat, been scratchin’ like a dog

I can’t stand water and I stink like a hog

Give me fi-i-i-i-i-ive bucks and a hot meal

Give me FI-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I…

Maybe an old overcoat or two

Oh, oh my God, I just love overcoats

19. Sharleena

Oooh oooh oooh

I’m cryin’, I’m cryin’

I’m cryin’ for Sharleena, don’t you know?

I called up all my baby’s friends an’ ask’n ‘um where she done went

But nobody ‘round here seems to know where my Sharleena’s been

Where my Sharleena’s been

I’m cryin’, I’m cryin’

I’m cryin’ (Oohh!) for Sharleena, can’t you see?

I called up all my baby’s friends an’ ask’n ‘um where she done went

She done went

Nobody ‘round here seems to know where my Sharleena’s been

Where my Sharleena’s been

Ten long years I been lov’n her

Ten long years and I thought deep down in my heart she was mine

Say!

Ten long years I been lov’n her

Ten long years I would call her my baby and now I’m always cryin’

I’m cryin’, yes, I’m cryin’

Ugh!

I would be so delighted (na-na-na na-na-na na-na-na-na-na), I would be so delighted (na-na-na-na-na)

If they would just send her on home to me

Na-na-na na-na-na na-na-na-na-na… oooooh

I would be so delighted (na-na-na na-na-na na-na-na-na-na), I would be so delighted (na-na-na-na-na)

If they would just send her on home to me

Na-na-na na-na-na na-na-na-na-na… oooooh

Sharleena-leena

Na-na-na na-na-na na-na-na-na-na

Sharleena-leena

Na-na-na na-na-na na-na-na-na-na

Sharleena-leena

Na-na-na na-na-na na-na-na-na-na

Sharleena-leena

Na-na-na na-na-na na-na-na-na-na

Cry-y-y-y-yin’

Well, hear me cry-y-y-y-yin’

Hear me cryin’

Oh Sharleena!

Hear me cryin’

My Sharleena

Hear me cryin’

I called up all my baby’s friends

Hear me cryin’

And ask’n ‘um

Aaaaah, hear me cryin’, babe

Where Sharleena went

Hear me cryin’

But you know that, nobody ‘round seems to know

Sharleena, hear me cryin’

Where my baby’s gone

You know I’m cry-cry-cry-cryin’

For Sharleena

Don’t you know I’m cry-cry-cry-cryin’

For Sharleena

You know I’m cryin’

For Sharleena

Hear me cryin’

For Sharleena

Hear me cryin’

You know I’m cry-cry-cry-cryin’

For Sharleena

You know I’m cry-cry-cry-cryin’

Hear me cryin’

For Sharleena

Sha-la-la-la

Why doesn’t somebody somewhere right here

At the Rainbow Theatre where Melanie ripped it up last night…

Why don’t you send her home?

Why can’t you send my ever-loving Sharleena home?

Send my baby home to…

Why can’t you send her home to…

Me?

20. Cruisin’ for burgers

[Instrumental]

I…

My oh my oh my…

Ay ay ay

Must be free

My…

My oh my oh my…

My oh my oh my oh my…

Fake I.D.

Freeeeeees me

Gotta do a few things to make my life complete

(SURE YOU DO!)

Gotta live my life (Where?) out on the street

The difference between us is not very far

Cruising for burgers in daddy’s new car

My phony freedom card brings to me

Instantly

Ecstasy

Ecstasy!

ECS-TA-SYYYYY!

21. Diphtheria blues

[Notes by FZ] From a Florida dressing room, while Dunbar keeps time on a bottle of scotch whisky and a wooden table, Howard relates the tale of the San Antonio diphtheria epidemic which we had just escaped.

Back about a hundred years ago

There wasn’t anywhere you could go down here in Georgia

Mississippi

Maryland

Any of your southern states

Now you got your honkies

And you got your ofays

And you got your soul brothers

Hundred years ago, soul brothers sat out in front of their shanties

Poorer than a car shack they was

They sat out there with their Hohners, just like we do today

And they played some soulful songs

(Now give me […] in the background, ladies and gentlemen)

Deep terminal chronic diphtheria harmonica blues

From Asthma Mark

And the Funk Brothers

(Good God!)

[…]

What is this?

I can’t stand it

I can’t breathe any more heartache

They just woke me up

They give me my bottle of juice

They give me my Hohner

They give me my straw hat

They give me my blue prison shirt

They sit me down by the scarecrow

And they say:

“Play, boy

You been a-pickin’ blueberries all day long

It’s about time you really got it on

Now I know all you brothers got rhythm and you got soul

Go on and you play some, I mean

We gotta have one on every block

Just to show how cool we are

[…] on us

We’ll sit back and listen to you

We’ll bake your brownies at Christmas, boy

We’ll take your women back to the shed

We’re gonna use you to make mincemeat, boy

And then we’re gonna sit down and dig on you

‘Cause you play a fine harp

Fine harp, Asthma Mark”

They used to say: “Play that thing, Asthma Mark

Play the harmonica, boy

Play that thing”

Asthma Mark goes: “Ee-yeah!”

They go: “What?”

Asthma Mark goes: “Wee-yeah!

Wee-yeah!

Wee-yeah!”

Carlos Santana, ladies and gentlemen!

(Good God!)

Don’t break that bottle, brother Aynsley

It’s all we got

So Asthma Mark would sit on the corner

And he would play his Diphtheria Blues on his Hohner

And people would come from miles around

To see Asthma Mark a-wheezin’ and a-playin’

A-playin’ and a-wheezin’

And a-spewin’

And a-foamin’

They say:

“We love you, Asthma Mark

And we sing with you

The old Diphtheria Blues”

I can’t breathe

My throat’s a-sweatin’

My eyes are waterin’

My athlete’s foot went south for the winter

Oh, I can’t stand it

What’s gonna happen to me?

Oh, diphtheria got me down

Oh, San Antonio epidemic now

Oh […]

Oh Diphtheria Blues

[…] say

Gonna play in this shack

Gonna […] through

Get bit on the back

[…] some mosquitoes […]

[…] flies in my face

Gotta get out of here

No-good funky blues

Diphtheria Blues

Got me down

Diphtheria Blues

Got me down

Can’t stand it no more

Diphtheria Blues

Just […]

Blue Cross won’t pay

Diphtheria Blues

Diphtheria Blues, yeah

Diphtheria Blues, oh

Diphtheria Blues […]

Can’t stand it

Oh no

OW!

HOO-AAHHH!

Diphtheria Blues

Can’t stand it

Oh no

Diphtheria Blues

Play that thing, Asthma Mark

(Good God!)

Amen

22. Well

[Notes by FZ] Some of you might have heard another version of this material on the John & Yoko album “Some Time in New York City”. When they sat in with us that night, we were in the process of recording the “Live at the Fillmore East, June 1971” album, and all of this insanity was captured on tape. After the show, John and I agreed we would each put out our own version of the performance, and I gave him a copy of the 16 track master tape. Here is our version… a substantially different mix from what they released.

[John Lennon] OK?

[FZ] Sit down and cool it for a minute so you can hear what we’re gonna do!

[John Lennon] Yeah, this is a song I used to sing when I was in the Cavern in Liverpool. I haven’t done it since so. Two, three, four.

You know I love you, baby, please don’t go, well, well

You know I love you, honey child

There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you right now

You know I love you, baby, please don’t go, well

You know I love you, baby, please don’t go

You know I love you, honey child

Nothing I wouldn’t do for you right now

Y’know I love you, baby, please don’t go, well

Zappa!

[Instrumental]

You know I want you, baby, please don’t go, well, well

You know I want you, baby, please don’t go

You know I love you, honey child

There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you right now

You know I want you, baby, please don’t go, well

Well, you know I love you, baby, please don’t go, well

You know I love you, baby, please don’t go

You know I love you, honey child

There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you right now

I know I love you, baby, please don’t go, well

Yeah!

[Instrumental]

23. Say please

[Instrumental]

24. Aaawk

[Instrumental]

25. Scum bag

[Instrumental]

[John Lennon & Yoko Ono] Scum bag, scum bag

Scum bag, scum bag

Eh yo yeah yo

Scum bag

Gonna put all my possessions in a scum bag

Gonna shut my dreadful lemons in a scum bag

Gonna put my dirty movies in a scum bag

Gonna put my, all my records in a scum bag

Gonna put my old high-school in a scum bag

Everybody, everybody got a scum bag

Oh, my friend here, baby, he’s a scum bag

Everybody

Scum bag, scum bag

Oh, Yoko’s in a scum bag

Everybody, everybody

Scum bag

Scum bag!

All God’s Children gotta scum bag

Scum bag

Scum bag!

Oh, scum bag

Ah, ooh, gotta scum bag, scum bag

Choo choo choo

Scum bag, scum bag, scum bag

Scum bag

[FZ] Hey, listen! I don’t know whether you can tell what the words are to this song, but there’s only two of them, and I’d like to have you sing along ‘cause it’s real easy. Anybody who comes to the Fillmore East can sing this song. The name of this song is “Scum bag”, OK? And all you gotta do is sing “Scum bag”. Right on, brothers and sisters, let’s hear it for the “Scum bag”!

[John Lennon & Yoko Ono] Scum bag

Scum bag

Come on, come on, come on

Scum bag

Scum bag, baby, scum bag

Scum bag

Scum bag, baby

Scum bag to me, baby

Scum bag

Scum bag to me, baby

Scum bag

Scum bag to me, baby

Scum bag

SCUM BAG

Scum bag

Do the scum bag, hey

Scum bag

Scum bag, hey

Scum bag

Answer now

Scum bag

Scum bag, scum bag, scum bag

Scum bag

Ooh, scum bag

Scum bag

Scum baaag

Scum baaaaag

Scum baaaag, scum baaaag, scum baaag

[FZ] Good night, boys and girls!

26. A small eternity with Yoko Ono

[Instrumental]

New York - June 6, 1971

[FZ] Good night!

[John Lennon] Good night, thank you!

[Yoko Ono] Thank… thank you

[John Lennon] We’d like to thank Frank for having us on here

[Yoko Ono] Yeah, he’s great, isn’t he? He’s the greatest.

Disc 2

1. Beer shampoo

[Notes by FZ] An argument in Ohio regarding beer being poured on Howard during the show.

[Mark Volman] That’s the kind of guy […]

[Aynsley Dunbar] When you just stopped it was running on your head

[Howard Kaylan] Well, I had to do an Edward Arnold slow-burn, man, there was nothing else I could do, ‘cept play it for all it was worth

[Aynsley Dunbar] I said the only other thing to do is go get another can of beer and pour it over his head

[Howard Kaylan] Well, it was already getting silly, man. I mean, it was remedial as it is, I think…

[FZ] Ha ha

[Howard Kaylan] Let’s not make it too childish

[Aynsley Dunbar] […]

[Mark Volman] Every night for a year and a half, man, no matter how sick I was, or how I felt on stage…

[?] Howie […]

[Mark Volman] He… I used to sing… He used to sing “How is the weather” in ♫ “Happy together” and pour a whole glass of water over my head, man, and he liked it so much that he made it an integral part of the show, the kids loved it, so I just let it keep happening

[Aynsley Dunbar] He can’t stand it, man, that’s all

[Mark Volman] And you’re just a pansy ass, kiss ass little girl

[?] Ha ha ha!

[Mark Volman] Simmons!

[Howard Kaylan] Beer is another thing, man! I’m fucking soaked!

[Mark Volman] They use beer in some shampoos, Howard

[Howard Kaylan] I don’t give a shit, that’s all I know it that water would dry up and not stain, and he ruined my shoes, man! I can’t believe it.

[?] Ohhh!

[Mark Volman] Materialist!

[Howard Kaylan] Hey lookit, patent leather!

[Mark Volman] Materialistic! Materialistic!

[Howard Kaylan] You’re the dude who said…

[FZ] Oh oh oh!

[Mark Volman] Materialist!

[?] Ohhh

[Howard Kaylan] Don’t do it to you, I don’t have any beer, man

[Aynsley Dunbar] OK

[Mark Volman] ✄ New York’s a lonely town

[Howard Kaylan] I can’t even… You keep your hands off me you creep

[Mark Volman] And you are the only…

[Jeff Simmons] You creep, ha ha!

[Howard Kaylan] Stop it, man!

2. Champagne lecture {Call any vegetable}

[Notes by FZ] Somewhere in the Midwest the intimate details of our adventures in Jacksonville are revealed.

[FZ] You know, a lotsa people don’t bother about their friends in the vegetable kingdom. They think: “What can I say? What can a person who is new to the Midwest say to a vegetable?”

[Howard Kaylan] Suss it out, wankers!

[FZ] Suss it out, wankers!

[Mark Volman & Howard Kaylan] SUSS IT OUT, WANKERS!

[Jeff Simmons] Suss it out, wankers

[FZ] Suss it out, wankers!

[Mark Volman & Howard Kaylan] SUSS IT OUT, WANKERS!

[Aynsley Dunbar] Suss it out, wankers, what’s the matter with you?

[Howard Kaylan] Aynsley Dunbar!

[FZ] And after “Suss it out, wankers”…

[Mark Volman] OK

[FZ] You go and get yourself a big bottle of champagne!

[Mothers] AAAH!

[FZ] Find yourself a young vegetable victim!

[Mothers] Yeah!

[FZ] Take your young vegetable victim. Step one, now this is very important, you have to do it exactly this way. (Bring the band on down behind me, boys, this gets technical!). First, you get a Polaroid camera…

[Mothers] Yeah!

[FZ] And you make one good jump, from a balcony to another balcony on the seventh floor of the Sheraton Hotel in Jacksonville

[Howard Kaylan] Aynsley Dunbar, ladies and gentlemen

[FZ] When you land on the other balcony with your Polaroid camera, something like this…

[Mothers] Heeey!

[FZ] Shoot off one good flashbulb catching… The agent will immediately turn around and say: “You know, I sure would like to have that photograph”. You walk up to the agent and say: “Well, huh, funny you should mention it, I have this photograph here and just about time to develop it, yes it turned out great, it shows both of you here, and I’ll give you this photograph if you’ll give me the munchkin vegetable that you’re with, in order that I might make a few more pictures”. So you make a quick trade, holding the champagne bottle in abeyance until the rest of the members of your band have jumped over the same balcony…

[Mothers] Eeeeeeeeh!

[FZ] And come in and taken their places around the bed where the munchkin vegetable is laid out, posing: leg up in the air, leg down, leg to the side. Then, after some deft manipulation of the vital parts of the munchkin vegetable…

[Jeff Simmons] Hey, I want some baby to hold my tool and squeeze it

[FZ] With one masterful stroke, or maybe you might use several masterful strokes, shake up the magnum of champagne to a foamy froth, holding your thumb over the end of it

[Aynsley Dunbar] No, no, no, you left the cork in, Frank, you pull the cork out it. Suss it out, wankers!

[Howard Kaylan] They’re a hip audience, Frank, they know what’s gonna happen next!

[FZ] After the band has given you complete attention, and is watching closely for the precise moment of the detonation of the alcoholic beverage into the vital organ, you give a sort of casual glance around the bedroom of the Sheraton, a suave little smile and wink one eye, adjust your bow tie, and just stuff it right in there!

[Mothers] Aaaah!

[FZ] And then you tell ‘em how you feel. You whip it right out, take a snort off of it.

[?] How do you feel?

[Mark Volman] Aynsley Dunbar

[FZ] No, no, no

3. Childish perversions

[Notes by FZ] More arguements about wetness.

[Howard Kaylan] Oh, still drinks it, man… what a man! Gotta prove himself!

[Mark Volman] Talk about childish perversions!

[Howard Kaylan] Where’s Simmons?

[Mark Volman] It don’t matter, he’s in the… he’s gettin’ out of it, man. He knows where…

[Aynsley Dunbar] He knew what he’s got out, man

[Howard Kaylan] I’ll get him, man

[Aynsley Dunbar] You take, you take some

[Howard Kaylan] Yes, Aynsley, you give me the cue and you let me know when is safe to get him

[Aynsley Dunbar] OK, man, I don’t mind beer poured on my head, when I’m saturated, you can pour it on my head, any time

[Howard Kaylan] I don’t wanna pour it on your head, man

[Ian Underwood?] What am I waiting for, man?

[Aynsley Dunbar] Just shut up, Georgie

[Mark Volman] There he is, man

[Howard Kaylan] Fucking creep, I can’t even stand it! You’re s— you’re so jive I can’t even believe it, man!

[Mark Volman] For a year and a half he used to pour water over my head

[Howard Kaylan] Water! It’s what… I could have stood water!

[Jeff Simmons] Well, what I’m saying is… he did it to me

[Howard Kaylan] A little bit, man

[Jeff Simmons] A little bit? Feel that! It’s still wet, man!

[Mark Volman] Well, listen, I mean, look at that

[Jeff Simmons] Well, listen, man. Hit me. Take me.

[Howard Kaylan] I don’t wanna hit you

[Jeff Simmons] Take me. Take me, I’m yours ▶. Take me away, man.

[Howard Kaylan] It don’t mean anything now, man!

[Jeff Simmons] I heard you ranting and raving you were gonna get me, man

[Howard Kaylan] What are you saying, man?

[Jeff Simmons] I was up on the second floor of the stairs, just goin’: “Wow, man! Barber’s voice is getting uptight and… eeeeeh!”

[Howard Kaylan] What are you talking about, man? Nobody plotted to get you! You lied there on the ground.

[Jeff Simmons] No, I mean just now!

[Howard Kaylan] You… oh, that!

[Jeff Simmons] I didn’t mean… No one plotted get me, no one wants to get me

[Howard Kaylan] I wanna get you

[Jeff Simmons] Now you do

[Howard Kaylan] I wanna get you, I’m gonna get you

[Jeff Simmons] OK, get me, man

4. Playground psychotics

[Notes by FZ] Compare this plain interior conversation from the middle of the tour with the one that begins on the first disc. When Simmons blurts out “Playground psychotics!” we experience a small revelation.

[Jeff Simmons] Put that mike down, Frank, it’s obscene

[Aynsley Dunbar] Next time you say anything to me, Howard, I’m gonna […]

[Howard Kaylan] Give me my little cup of brown sauce and let me dip my meat in it

[Mark Volman] Oh, man

[Jeff Simmons] Hundred dollars for a pinto bean. Playground psychotics!

[Howard Kaylan] “I slipped my burning phallus in her quivering quim!” ▶

[Mark Volman] Oh, man

[Jeff Simmons] Do you like to offend the other passengers, Underwood? Keep quiet!

[Howard Kaylan] Underwood, the only thing that offends are your green socks! Green velour!

[Jeff Simmons] Cobwebs…

[Aynsley Dunbar] Could you… Could you repeat that?

[Jeff Simmons] Of your mind

[Howard Kaylan] Now, just take your hand off my leg

[Dick Barber?] Take your hand off my leg

[Howard Kaylan] Listen, what is this? OK, grab my tit, I’ll sit still, you pervert. Ah, you’re so low.

[Jeff Simmons] The Andy Devine ▶ School of Voice. You are low, Dunbar.

[Howard Kaylan] I just keep…

[Aynsley Dunbar] I always keep it low, Jeff, ‘cause I’m only after one thing

[Jeff Simmons] You are ebbing

[Howard Kaylan?] God, you’re incredible, man

[Aynsley Dunbar] Who?

[Howard Kaylan] Haven’t any of the chicks you’ve gone out with seen through you yet?

[Aynsley Dunbar] No, man, they still quite like me

5. The mudshark interview

[Notes by FZ] An actual interview with the front office manager concerning unorthodox seafood usage ▶.

[FZ] What’s your name?

[Martin Tickman] I’m Martin Tickman

[FZ] And what is your position here?

[Martin Tickman] Front office manager

[FZ] The name of this establishment is…?

[Martin Tickman] This is the Edgewater Inn

[FZ] In Seattle, Washington. Can you tell me uh… how some rock & roll groups have taken advantage of this unique situation?

[Martin Tickman] They’ve taken advantage in different ways, and we do encourage uh… and advertise that you can fish from your room and we are glad to have our guests fish from ‘em

[FZ] Do you supply them with fishing equipment?

[Martin Tickman] No, but we have a shop in the hotel that does rent the equipment as well as bait

[FZ] What sort of bait do they usually use?

[Martin Tickman] Uh… It’s a preserved minnow of some variety, I don’t know exactly what the fish is

[FZ] Well, what do they do after they fish from the window?

[Martin Tickman] Well, rock & roll bands and other guests as well often catch shark and squid and octopus and usually we… it lands up either in the bathtub or dribbled on the floor on the way to the bathtub…

[FZ] Mm-mmh

[Martin Tickman] But it’s not reserved to… to any rock & roll bands, I mean, other guests do it too

[FZ] Mm-mmh, but how frequently do you find squids and sharks and octopuses in the bath tubs of the rooms here at the hotel?

[Martin Tickman] After almost any good weekend of pretty heavy occupancy, say like over half the house filled

[FZ] If you have over the…

[Martin Tickman] Way, way

[FZ] Over half house filled you’d find one, say?

[Martin Tickman] Yeah, say, one or something like that

[FZ] So how often would you say that is each week? Twice a week you’d find a…

[Martin Tickman] Well, I would… I don’t know that I would say that it would average to anything like that, you may find on four or five rooms with fish from various places, you know, around. But there’s not much you can do with the shark after you’ve caught him, you know, some of these things are pretty big.

[FZ] What would you imagine is done with these uh… sharks after they’ve been caught before they are left… for you to be cleaned up?

[Martin Tickman] Sometimes the guest calls the houseman or housekeeper to haul it away because there’s nothing that they can do with it

[FZ] Yeah, well. Have you ever heard of any other things that were done with them before they were hauled away?

[Martin Tickman] Yes, a lot of… some people like to uh… perform vivisection on ‘em, or something like that. Occasionally you find that little bit of mess.

[FZ] Yeah

[Martin Tickman] I’ll say that the… the… the “blood on the carpet” syndrome is rather… heh, rather rare, but it did occasionally happen

[FZ] Do you ever find fish blood on the sheets of your beds here?

[Martin Tickman] Not identifiable as such, no

[FZ] I see. Do you know of any stories about uh… bizarre sexual activities performed with squid, octopus and mud sharks here in your rooms?

[Martin Tickman] No. I should think a mud shark would be a little uncomfortable, since their skin is so sandy but uh… never heard of anyone having it with an octopus.

6. “There’s no lust in jazz”

[Notes by FZ] Use your imagination.

[Mark Volman?] OK, is it just about time, you guy? What d’you say?

[?] It’s time for the mass

[Jeff Simmons] Uh

[Mark Volman] One?

[Jeff Simmons] Rolling?

[Mark Volman] Rolling… Frank is rolling

[Howard Kaylan] Rolling? It’s rolling…? One!

[?] It’s the mass

[Mark Volman] Test two. Test… three. Oh, now this is what I call “brotherly love”

[Howard Kaylan] Man, she’s really hung, man. Now there are tits.

[Aynsley Dunbar] Get your dick in between that […]

Aaaaah

[Howard Kaylan] No stopping! Oh, I’m telling you… there is a chick what am hung.

[Jeff Simmons?] Oh yes

[Mark Volman] And she enjoys every moment of it

[Howard Kaylan] She wants you, Dick

[Aynsley Dunbar] She’s waiting for your big…

[Dick Barber] Oh, listen

[Jeff Simmons] Bwana?

[Howard Kaylan] She said: “Give me the guy with the throb”

AAH!

[Jeff Simmons] Oh, really?

[Howard Kaylan] OK, enough

[Jeff Simmons] What can you say?

[Howard Kaylan] See you later

[Mark Volman] See, this is what happens when you join a… a rock group, George, and get off that jazz syndrome

[George Duke] Is this like the old […]

[Aynsley Dunbar] […] just wanna show us lads what she’s got

[Jeff Simmons] Oh, man

[Mark Volman] There’s no lust in jazz

7. Botulism on the hoof

[Notes by FZ] Howard experiences scheduling problems.

[Howard Kaylan] Whoa, that’s really great! Botulism on the hoof!

[Dick Barber] Don’t even look at it, Howard, you’re over the deadline

[Jeff Simmons] The new fascist ensemble says that you can’t have anything to eat, man. You’re over the deadline.

[Howard Kaylan] What’s that mean?

[Dick Barber] I told you to be down here at noon, man. You’re five minutes late, so you can’t order.

[Jeff Simmons] Listen, listen…

[Howard Kaylan] You… told who to be down at noon?

[Dick Barber] Frank… these guys ordered like ten minutes ago

[Howard Kaylan] It’s like having Ronald Reagan for a road manager. What can you make me in two minutes…

[Dick Barber] The deal is that uh…

[Howard Kaylan] Besides sick?

[Dick Barber] If you help me uh… expedite matters to the airport, man, you might be able to wolf down some kind of scarf out there

[Howard Kaylan] What do you mean: “Wolf down some kind of scarf out there”?

[Dick Barber] It means you can stick your fingers in your nose

[Howard Kaylan] I’m hungry, man

[Dick Barber] Eat a PayDay candy bar

[Howard Kaylan] Listen, how about a little dry cereal? How ‘bout a orange juice?

[Dick Barber] Never happen, man

[Jeff Simmons] Hey, get it on tape that Barber is a doofus, man

8. You got your armies

[Notes by FZ] Simmons offers an opinion to a Dutch TV journalist.

[Mark Volman] Hup hup

[Jeff Simmons] Let me tell you right now, man. You got your armies, you got your rock bands. You try and turn a rock band into an army ▶, this is what you get.

9. The spew king

[Notes by FZ] Howard attempts to initiate Ian into the mysteries of spew bonding.

[Howard Kaylan] I think the big problem, Ian, is that you’ve sort of gotta-go “HOO-HAA!” as you do it. You go “HOO-WAAARGH”! See?

[George Duke?] […] brown out

[Howard Kaylan] You’re gonna be the king, the spew king, really

[Ian Underwood] My larynx, disintegrated in two seconds

[Howard Kaylan] Walterdale

[Aynsley Dunbar] Oh God, there’s a few people here already

[Howard Kaylan] There’s a lot of people here

[Aynsley Dunbar] My God

[Howard Kaylan] They’re all twelve years old and pimply

[Aynsley Dunbar] Are they penetratable?

10. I’m doomed

[Notes by FZ] Howard at breakfast.

[Howard Kaylan] We gotta do two shows tonight?

[Jeff Simmons] Yep. I hope you didn’t use up your vital… statistics.

[Aynsley Dunbar] I know he should have been doing that

[Howard Kaylan] I’m doomed. Two shows, man.

[Aynsley Dunbar] And there’re two shows in Portland, I mean

[Dick Barber] Yeah

[Howard Kaylan] Couldn’t have spared me another twenty minutes sleep, another three hours worth of sleep, could have driven down?

[Dick Barber] I cut it to the bare minimum, Howard

[Howard Kaylan] Yeah, man, you’re OD’ing on Preparation H at this very moment

11. Status back baby

[Notes by FZ] An unreleased cut from the “Fillmore East 1971” recording.

[FZ] Of course we’ll send the penguin through the flaming hoop tonight! ▶

[Guy in the audience] “Concentration moon”!

[FZ] Of course we’ll play “Concentration moon” for you! One, two, three, four.

[Mothers] Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-oo-oo

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-oo-oo

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo

Ah-ah wa wa wa wa wa wa wah

[Mothers] I’m losin’ status at the high-school

I used to think that it was my school…

Bow wow wow

I was the king of every school activity

But that’s no more… oh mama, what will come of me?

The other night we painted posters

We played some records by the Coasters

Bow wow wow

A bunch of pompom girls looked down their nose at me

They had painted tons of posters; I had painted three

I hear the secret whispers everywhere I go

My school spirit ▶ is at an all-time low…

OH NO!

[FZ] Of course we’ll play ♫ “Petrushka”!

[Instrumental]

[Mothers] I’m losing status at the high-school

I used to think that it was my school…

Bow wow wow

Everyone in town knows I’m a handsome football star

I sing & dance & spray my hair & drive a shiny car

I’m friendly & I’m charming… I belong to DeMolay ▶

I’m gonna try like mad to get my status back today!

Status back baby

12. The London cab tape

[Notes by FZ] Dunbar and I were hanging out one night after the gig on my hotel room. Mark knocked on the door and offered to play a cassette recording he had made of Howard, Simmons, and Underwood, riding in a London cab, planning to have some sort of confrontation with me. As he played the tape, I turned on my Uher. This is a recording of the three of us listening to Mark’s very own anthropological field recording.

[Howard Kaylan] Fuckin’ guy has flipped out, man! Ought to be locked up!

[Jeff Simmons] Who, me?

[Howard Kaylan] Yeah, you too!

[Jeff Simmons] It was anti-semitic of me to bring it up

[Mark Volman] What, you don’t like Jews, man?

[Jeff Simmons] Let me make it perfectly clear, Volman. I don’t mind that you’re a Jew. Stay out of my way. Take your Bar Mitzvah, man, and shove it.

[Mark Volman] I never had a Bar Mitzvah

[Jeff Simmons] You have a Yarmulke, man?

[Mark Volman] No, I wore one once, though

[Jeff Simmons] I knew it

[Mark Volman] What’s wrong? You don’t like ‘em, man?

[Howard Kaylan] Probably don’t like cowboy hats, either

[Jeff Simmons] […] Just keep it out of my way, man, I don’t wanna see that yarmulke on stage ever

[Howard Kaylan] Ah. Well, I don’t know, man, that’d be sorta neat. Not in this group of course, but tomorrow.

[?] Right, right

[Jeff Simmons] Howard Kaylan World!

[Mark Volman] The Yarmulke

[FZ] Ha ha ha!

[Jeff Simmons] Dear Frank, thanks for paying a hundred twenty three dollars for my meal in Amsterdam

[Mark Volman] Which I didn’t want anyway

[Howard Kaylan] I hated!

[Jeff Simmons] I really enjoyed playing in your little own ensemble

[Howard Kaylan] For a day or so

[Jeff Simmons] Thanks for bringing a little slice of sunshine into my life

[Howard Kaylan] Thanks for showing me how sh— shitty the music business could really be. I thought I knew.

[Jeff Simmons] Thanks for making me the worst bass player in the world. After six months with the Mothers I figured I’ve lost everything I ever had.

13. Concentration moon - Part 1

Concentration moon

Over the camp in the valley

Over the camp in the valley

Concentration moon

Oh what a…

Concentration moon

I wish I was back in the alley

Wish I was back in the alley

With all of my friends still running free

Running free!

Hair growing out every hole in me

That’s right, you heard right:

Hair growing out every hole in me!

American way, how did it start?

Thousands of creeps killed in the park

American way, try and explain

Scab of a nation driven insane

Don’t cry

Gotta go, bye-bye

Suddenly die, die

COP, KILL A CREEP!

POW POW POW

[FZ] And speaking of creeps, here they are, ladies and gentlemen…

14. The Sanzini brothers

[Notes by FZ] Back to the Fillmore East for a moment. The audience used to enjoy the Sanzini Brothers Sodomy Trick… whatever it was. I can’t remember what they were actually doing, except that it sometimes involved an oversized drum stick.

[FZ] The Sanzini Brothers!

[Howard Kaylan] THE SANZINI BROTHERS!

[Mark Volman] Ladies and gentlemen, tonight by special request, we’re going to repeat a trick that we performed last night. We hope that you will bear with. If you saw it, we hope that you enjoy it again.

[Aynsley Dunbar] Yeah yeah yeah

[Mark Volman] My brothers Adolf, Rudolph, Pissoff, and Jackoff. The Sanzini brothers. And we’d like to perform for you tonight the world famous “Sodomy Trick”!

[Howard Kaylan] Complete silence, please!

[FZ] The Sodomy Trick! Quiet.

Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup!

Ho! Hun! Hey!

Little Carl ▶

15. “It’s a good thing we get paid to do this”

[Notes by FZ] Another piece of tape supplied by Mark. By this time, he also had a Uher, and on this occasion, the first script reading for “200 Motels”, had it hidden in a canvas bag on a chair next to him.

[Mark Volman] It’s a good thing we get paid to do this. I could be in L.A., getting reamed, listening to an Elton John album.

[Howard Kaylan] Don’t even talk about getting reamed. Listen, I’ve been without female companionship for so long, a career as a Jesuit monk looks inviting, Ian is starting to look good to me.

[George Duke] Must be his green velour socks!

[Jeff Simmons] You just calm down there, Duke

[Mark Volman] Ever since you left the jazz world to seek fame and fortune in the rock & roll industry…

[Jeff Simmons] What do you mean rock & roll? This fucking band doesn’t even play rock & roll, it’s all that comedy crap!

[Ian Underwood] If we played any rock & roll we might make some money. I wouldn’t mind playing some rock & roll. Ah, I like classical music too, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t enjoy playing rock & roll. I mean, it’s not very challenging, intellectually, but I wouldn’t mind if we did some rock & roll. We could vote on it.

[Jeff Simmons] Vote on it? For what? To tell Zappa we want to play some good music instead of this comedy shit?

[Aynsley Dunbar] I wouldn’t mind playing some rock & roll, a bit more commercial, with sort of heavy four part harmony, group vocals and a very heavy beat, that the kids could enjoy. I think we’d definitely make more money that way.

[Ian Underwood] Maybe after we finish the movie we could play more rock & roll

[Mark Volman] Yeah! We could all quit and form other groups and play more rock & roll.

[Jeff Simmons] And more blues, extended blues, blues but still down and funky, even though you extended it. George knows what I’m talking about, don’t you, George?

[George Duke] Leave me out of this. I come from the jazz world and I know all about these groups that get formed and disappear, with their extensions waving in the moonlight.

[Mark Volman] You just calm down there, Duke

[Jeff Simmons] Maybe we could all form a group, we could elect a leader. Howard! We could call it Howard Kaylan World.

[Ian Underwood] We wouldn’t have to have any leader

[Jeff Simmons] We could just jam a lot

[Aynsley Dunbar] But it would have to have a really heavy beat and be really commercial so the kids could enjoy it

[Howard Kaylan] I wanna get laid! I am so horny I can’t stand it!

[Jeff Simmons] Listen, if you think for a minute anybody likes this comedy music we’ve been playing you’re crazy. That’s why you don’t get laid, who wants to fuck a comedian? None of these girls can take you seriously.

[Mark Volman] Hang on, you should be careful talking about that kind of stuff

[Jeff Simmons] Why? Does he listen?

[Ian Underwood] He always listens. He’s always watching and listening to all the guys in the band. I’ve been in the band for years and I know, he always listens, believe me.

[Jeff Simmons] That’s how he gets his material. He listens to us being natural, friendly, humorous and good-natured, then he rips us off, sneaks off into a secret room someplace and boils it in ammonia, and gets it perverted. Then he brings it back to us at a rehearsal and makes us play it.

[Ian Underwood] I’ve been in the group for years and let me tell you that is exactly, that is precisely what he does: he steals all his material

[Mark Volman] And the stuff he doesn’t steal, Murray Roman writes for him. Listen, WITHOUT US HE’D BE NOTHING!

16. Concentration moon - Part 2

[Notes by FZ] References to “Little Carl” pertain to a small inflatable penguin (purchased at a Stuckey’s) which used to get launched through a flaming hoop (two twisted coat-hangers with burning toilet paper wrapped around it) every once in a while on stage.

[FZ] Carl Sanzini will now join in on the second verse of “Concentration moon”!

[Howard Kaylan] Why don’t you?

Concentration moon, over the camp in the valley

Oh what a…

Concentration moon, wish I was back in the alley

With all of my friends still running free

Carl Sanzini, ladies and gentlemen!

Hair growing out every hole in me

That’s right, you heard right and here’s one for little Carl

American way, threatened by us

Drag a few creeps away in a bus ▶

American way, prisoner lock

Smash every creep in the face with a rock

Don’t cry

No, no, no, no

Don’t cry

No, no, no, no-no-no, no, no

Don’t cry

No, no, no, no

Don’t cry

Don’t shoot

No, no, no, no, no

Don’t shoot

No, no, no, no, no

Don’t shoot

No, no, no, no, no

Don’t shoot

No, no, no, no, no

COP, KILL A CREEP!

COP, WANT A CREEP!

KILL ANOTHER CREEP!

KILL THE FUCKING CREEP!

17. Mom & Dad

Mama! Mama!

Someone said they made some noise

The cops have shot some girls & boys

You’ll sit home & drink all night

They looked too weird, it served them right

Never take a minute just to show a real emotion

In between the moisture cream & velvet facial lotion?

Ever tell your kids you’re glad that they can think?

Ever say you loved ‘em? Ever let ‘em watch you drink?

Ever wonder why your daughter looked so sad?

So sad!

It’s such a drag to have to love (Oh, it’s such a drag to have to love) a plastic mom & dad!

Mama! Mama!

Your child was killed in the park today

SHOT by the cops as she quietly lay

By the side of the creeps she knew…

They killed her too

[FZ] Thank you!

[Mark Volman] There’s lots of dancing in this, you know, it’s kinda like Off-Broadway, way off

18. Intro to music for low-budget orchestra

[Howard Kaylan] Ready, Marge?

[Mark Volman] Photography by Art Laboe

[Howard Kaylan] Grow, little trees!

[FZ] It’s spring, the time of the year when all things grow and little buds are sprouting off of them

[Instrumental]

19. Billy the mountain

Billy the mountain

A regular picturesque postcardy mountain

Residing between lovely Rosamond and Gorman

With his stunning wife Ethel, a tree!

A tree!

Billy was a mountain

Ethel was a tree growing off of his shoulder

Billy was a mountain

Ethel was a tree growing off of his shoulder

Billy had two big caves for eyes

With a cliff for a jaw that would go up an’ down

And whenever it did he’d puff out some dust

And hack up a boulder

HACK!

Hack up a boulder

HACK! HACK!

Hack up a boulder

HACK! HACK! HACK!

Hack up a boulder

Now, one day, a man in a checkered suit drove up in a big Lincoln Continental…

And he laid a huge, bulging envelope right at the corner of Billy the mountain, right where his foot was supposed to be. Now, Billy the mountain, he couldn’t believe it! All those postcards he’d posed for, for over these years, and finally, now, at last, his ROYALTIES!

Royalties!

Royalties

Royalties!

Royalties

Royalties!

Billy the mountain was RICH! His eyeball-caves widened in amazement, his cliff, which was his jaw, it dropped thirty FEET!

Ooh, a bunch of dust puffed out!

Rocks and boulders hacked up (Hack! Hack! Hack! Hack! Hack! Hack! Hack!) crushing THE LINCOLN!

Now, the man in the checkered suit, well, without his car he went screaming off into the desert at sunset (AAAA-AAA-AAAAH!) all the way to Rosamond to get a beer and tell everybody there including Ronnie Cook what it happened to his car

I gave him the money

He acted real funny

He hocked up a rock and

It totaled my car

Oh, do you

Know any trucks might be bound for the valley?

I don’t wanna stand here all night in this bar

Dear Lord

I don’t wanna stand here all night in this bar

No shit!

I don’t wanna stand here all night in this bar!

By two o’clock, and the bars had already closed down, Billy had already broken the big news to Ethel (ah-ah-ah). With dust and boulders everywhere, Billy, choked with excitement (ahuuuuh!), announced:

“Ethel, we’re going on a vacation!”

YES, and they were going on a vacation! Oh, and Ethel… Ethel… Ethel… Ethel just like a woman, of course she was delighted!

She creaked a little bit, and some old birds flew off of her

✄ Hey, Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song

Billy told Ethel they were going to… THEY WERE GOING TO NEW YORK!

“Ethel, we’re going to (OOH-OOH-OOH) … NEW YORK!”

But FIRST they would stop in LAS VEGAS!

It’s off to Las Vegas

To check out the lounges

Pull a few handles

Drink a few beers

Oh, Ethel!

Ethel, my darling

You know that I love you

I’m glad we could have a

Vacation this year

Oh, neat-o!

Glad we could have a

Vacation this year!

They left that night, crunchin’ across the Mojave Desert, their voices ✄ echoing through the canyons of your minds

“Ethel, wanna get a cuppa cawfee?”

Howard Johnson’s! Howard Johnson’s! Howard Johnson’s! Howard Johnson’s!

“Ahhh! There’s a Howard Johnson’s! Wanna eat some clams?”

The first noteworthy piece of real estate they destroyed was Edwards Air Force Base

And to this very day, wing nuts and data reduction clerks ▶ alike, speak in reverent whispers about that fateful night when test stand number 1 and the rocket sled itself got…

LUNCHED!

By a famous mountain and his small, wooden wife

Good bye to Las Vegas

Farewell to the lounges

We pulled a few handles

We drank a few beers

CHA-KA-LA-KA-LAH!

Guess that George Putnam

Should be on the air now

With the biggest new story

That has broken this year

George Putnam!

His biggest new story

That has broken this year

Take it away, George!

Word just in to the KTTV news service undeniably links this mountain and his wife to drug abuse and pay-offs as part of a San Joaquin Valley smut ring! However, we can assure parents in the Southern California area that a recent narcotics crack-down, in Torrance, Hawthorne, and Lomita, will provide the secret evidence the Palmdale Grand Jury has needed to seek a criminal indictment and pave the way for stiffer legislation, increased federal aid, and avert a crippling strike of bartenders and veterinarians throughout the Inland Empire.

But it is this reporter’s opinion that Ethel is a former communist

Within the week…

Jerry Lewis had hosted a Telethon…

(“Wah wah wah, nice lady!”)

To raise funds for the injured…

Injured…

And homeless…

Homeless…

In Denver…

As Billy had just leveled it

And, a few miles right outside of town, Billy caused a…

✄ Oh! Mein pa-pa

In the Earth’s crust, right over the secret underground dumps where they keep the…

POOLS OF OLD POISON GAS ▶, AND OBSOLETE GERM BOMBS…

JUST AS A FREAK TORNADO CRUISED THROUGH…

My baby, my baby, my baby, my baby

AH!

My baby, my baby, my baby, my baby

POO-AHH!

My baby, my baby

… sucking up two thirds of it (SUCK! SUCK! SUCK!) for untimely dispersal over VAST STRETCHES OF…

The Midwest!

Now, it was about this time, I think it was right outside of Columbus, Ohio that Billy got his notice to report for his induction physical. Now, believe me, Ethel said she wasn’t gonna let him go!

“I’m not gonna let you go, Billy!”

And George Putnam, the right-wing creepo fascist pig newscaster from Los Angeles said… Take it away, George Putnam, the right-wing fascist radical creepo pig newscaster from Los Angeles:

We now have confirmed reports from an informed Orange County minister, that Ethel is still an active communist, and it’s this reporter’s opinion that she also practices…

WITCH-CRAFT!

It was about this time that the telephone rang in the secret briefcase belonging to the one mortal man who might be able to stop all of this senseless destruction and save America herself.

Now, some men say he looked like…

He looked like…

Felix Pappalardi

Felix Pappalardi

Still others say…

Others say…

Bullshit, man

Bullshit, man

He was just born…

He was born…

Next to the frozen beef pies at Gristedes

Frozen beef pies

Still others say…

Others say he was just another…

Uh-huh, and uh-huh again, he was just a crazy Italian…

Crazy Italian…

Who drove a red car. You see it was hard to tell (but nobody knows) nobody knew for sure (for sure) he was so (so-o-o-o-o-o) mysterious (mysterious) oh yes, he was…

HE WAS SO…

He was so… He was so…

MYSTERIOUS!

HE WAS SO…

MYSTERIOUS!

‘Cuz when a person gets to be such a hero, folks

And marvelous beyond compute

You can never really tell about a guy like that

Whether he’s really a nice person or if he just smiles a lot

What?

Or if he has a son named Pinocchio

Or what?

Whether he’s really a nice person or if he has a son named Pinocchio or what?

Some men say he could fly

Some men say he could swim

Others say he could sing like Neil Sedaka

And all the girls in Flushing

Would be amazed of him

Two, three

AMAZED of him!

Time passing…

Right!

January

February

1975

1986

March

1914

So when the phone rang

(Thank you!)

In the secret briefcase

(Thank you!)

A strong masculine hand

With a wristwatch

And flexy bracelet

GRABBED IT

And answered in a deep, calmly assured voice:

“Yes, this is he! What? A mountain? With a tree growing off of its shoulder? You’re fulla shit, man. What? Wha— uh… Are… Are you sure? Oh well, alright, let me write this down then, sorta take a few notes here. To NEW YORK? Causing UNTOLD DESTRUCTION?”

My baby, my baby, my baby, my baby, OH!

My baby, my baby, my baby, my baby

My baby, my baby

My baby, my baby, my baby

My baby, my baby

UH-OH!

My baby, my baby, my baby

AHH!

“Wanted for DRAFT EVASION? Can I… Can I fly there immediately and REASON WITH HIM? An expense account? And per diem, too?”

SOME MEN SAY HE COULD DANCE!

Yes, he could dance. And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the Studebacher Hoch Dancing Lesson and Cosmic Prayer for Guidance featuring Aynsley Dunbar:

Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly… Hey!

RIGHT HAND FROM THE HEART-UH

Professional

LEFT HAND FROM THE HEART-UH

Exquisite

RIGHT HAND FROM THE HEART-UH

Homunculus

LEFT HAND FROM THE LEFT SHOULDER TO THE HEART-UH

Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly… Hey!

There were a number of very peculiar rumors circulating about Studebacher Hoch recently. Consider if you will the rumors that have spread that he could write the Lord’s Prayer on the head of a pin ▶

SOME MEN SAY HE COULD WRITE THE LORD’S PRAYER…

ON THE HEAD OF A…

HEAD OF A…

HEAD OF A PIN

AH!

Three Dog Night

Yeah

Others still maintain the FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACT!

(Good God!)

He was born next to the frozen beef pies

And that was the main influence on him!

Boldly springing into action, he phoned his wife…

Who ran a modeling school, whereupon she… he ran around the back of Gimbels to see if he could find some big unused cardboard boxes

After which, he hit up Gristedes for some Kaiser broiler foil, some Aunt Jemima syrup, and a pair of blunt scissors! Hey hey!

Yes, and in the parking lot across the street from the One Fifth Avenue Hotel, in between a pair of customized trucks where nobody was looking, he cut out a pair of really, really nice wings, and he covered ‘em thoroughly with foil… thoroughly with foil… thoroughly with foil… thoroughly with foil… thoroughly with foil

TH-thor-thorough-LY with FOIL-L

Th-th-thorough-LY wi-th wi-th FOIL-L-L!

Then he took those wings and wedged one under each of his powerful arms and sneaked into a telephone booth

He closed the door! And he pulled down his grey denim bus-driver type pants, and he spread even amounts of Aunt Jemima syrup all over the inside of his legs, right underneath his boxer […] shorts, ha ha ha!

Soon the booth was filling with flies

Help me, help me, help me!

He held open the legs of his boxer shorts so they could all get in

Yes! And when each and every one of those little… each and every one of those little cock-suckin’ flies had gone into his boxer shorts, and was lapping up all that good Aunt Jemima syrup, he bent over and he put his head between his legs and he said to those little flies in a clear, impressive voice:

“NEW YORK!” AND THE BOOTH AND EVERYTHING LIFTED UP, OUT OF THE PARKING LOT AND INTO THE SKY!

YEAH YEAH

YEAH YEAH

He’s coating his legs with Aunt Jemima syrup up and down

His shorts’ll be filled with flies that will be buzzing all around

Help me, help me, help me!

Stoodlabaker Hoch, he’s really outta sight!

Stoodlabaker Hoch, he does it every night!

Stoodlabaker Hoch, he treats the flies all right!

Stoodlabaker Hoch, that’s why they never bite, hey!

Please to New York!

Fly to New York!

He could be a dog or a frog or a lesbian queen

Fly to New York!

He could be a narc or a lady Marine

Or he might play dirty

He’s over thirty

Getting old? Say! I don’t know!

His peculiar attire and the flies he require keep leading him on

‘Cause Ethel is gone

And the mountain she’s on

[Instrumental]

Please to New York!

Fly to New York!

[Instrumental]

Fly to New York!

I don’t know!

His peculiar attire and the flies he require keep leading him on

‘Cause Ethel is gone

They keep leading him on

‘Cause Ethel is gone

And the mountain she’s on

We join Studebacher Hoch standing on the edge of Billy the mountain’s mouth

“Billy? I’ve come to reason with you! Our great country needs you in the Armed Forces! Why, it’s all fair and square, the lottery, you know? Your number came up, you can’t go on running like this forever”

Ethel shook her twigs angrily, but Studebacher Hoch, un-ferturbed, continued:

“Listen, you…”

“LISTEN, YOU COMMUNIST SON OF A BITCH! YOU BETTER GET YOUR ASS DOWN THERE FOR YOUR FUCKIN’ PHYSICAL, OR I’LL SEE TO IT THAT YOU GET USED FOR FILL DIRT IN SOME IMPENDING NEW JERSEY MARSH RECLAMATION. AND YOUR GIRLFRIEND THERE WILL WIND UP DISGUISED AS A SERIES OF BROOMS, PRIMITIVE IRONING BOARDS, OR A DOG HOUSE. GET THE…”

“GET THE PICTURE?”

Billy just laughed:

“HO HO HO!

If they think they’re gonna draft me, they’re crazy!”

Now you’ll remember that Studebacher Hoch was standing on the edge of Billy’s mouth, so that when he laughed, he lost his balance and unfortunately fell, screaming, two hundred feet into the rubble below!

Aaahhhh!

That was only one hundred feet, you Carnaby cutie

LET’S HEAR ANOTHER SET!

Aaahhhh!

Which only goes to prove…

A mountain is something

You don’t wanna fuck with

Don’t fuck around

Don’t fuck around

Don’t fuck with Billy

And don’t fuck with Ethel

You saw what just happened to the guy with the flies

DON’T FUCK AROUND!

With Biddilly, Biddilly, Biddilly, Biddilly, Biddilly

BIDDILLY THE MOUNTIN-INNNNNNN!

[FZ] Thank you for coming to our concert. Good night.

20. He’s watching us

[Notes by FZ] More tape from Mark… later in the script reading session.

[Howard Kaylan] It’s him, he’s watching us!

[Mark Volman] You think he heard us?

[Ian Underwood] I’ve been in the band for years, and you can bet that he heard everything

[Jeff Simmons] Let’s go over and pretend to be nice to him

[Howard Kaylan] Let’s go over and pretend we don’t know he’s watching

[Mark Volman] And ripping off all our good material

[Howard Kaylan] Hi, man

[Ian Underwood] Hi, Frank

[Mark Volman] Hi, man

[Jeff Simmons] Hi, Frank

[Aynsley Dunbar] Hi, man

[George Duke] Hi, Frank

[Mark Volman] Boy, that’s a great new comedy song you wrote, that one about the penis and everything, I was laughing a lot while I was learning it

[Howard Kaylan] Yeah, Frank uh… it was a little hard to get into at first, but… once we got the drift…

[Jeff Simmons] That’s a real great part you got in there for the chorus when they go “Ran tan toon toon na na hanninn” where I steal the room and everything, I don’t mind you ripping it off so long as I get paid

[Mark Volman] Me too, I don’t even care about the part where he goes: “What can I say about this elixir?” ▶ so long as me and Howard and Jeff get credit for special material.

There’s some bad brown acid going around, Aynsley, you can take it with a grain of salt, ha ha ha!

[Aynsley Dunbar] I didn’t mean to upset you, lads… I didn’t mean to upset you, lads, but the reason my retorts were so snappy is because he’s making me do this, I should imagine he’s making you do yours too, isn’t he?

[Howard Kaylan] Get out of here, you creep, you even used to live in his house!

[Aynsley Dunbar] See you later, lads

21. If you’re not a professional actor

[Notes by FZ] From the soundtrack of the Honker Home video “The True Story of 200 Motels”. If your local dealer doesn’t carry it, you can get it by calling 818-PUMPKIN (818 786-7546).

[FZ] If you’re not a professional actor, the easiest thing for you to do, when you only have a week to make a movie, is just to be yourself on the screen. So the lines that the people speak in the film, with the exception of some of the real fantasy characters like the Vacuum Cleaner, or the… or… what Theodore Bikel says, are all based on the actual speech patterns and the lifestyle of the people who are in the group.

22. He’s right

[Notes by FZ] More tape from Mark… later in the script reading session.

[Mark Volman] Howard, he’s right! He he he!

[Howard Kaylan] I know he is. You might as well admit it too, Simmons.

[Jeff Simmons] Right, it’s pathetic. He’s making me do this. I can’t help myself. Suicide imminent.

[Howard Kaylan] By the time we actually get to doing this, man, it’ll just be too real

23. Going for the money

[Notes by FZ] From “The True Story of 200 Motels”.

[Jeff Simmons] Smurf meee!

[Howard Kaylan] Smurf meee!

[Jeff Simmons] Metz. Right Howard?

[Howard Kaylan] Right Jeff, we’re going for the money, all the way

24. Jeff quits

[Notes by FZ] More tape from Mark… the following evening at the second script reading. Jeff, as advised by his wife, quits the group and bails out of the movie.

[Jeff Simmons] This is what I joined for. This I don’t think is pertinent.

[FZ] In other words, you don’t wanna be in the movie

[Jeff Simmons] Yeah

[FZ] You sure?

[Jeff Simmons] Mm-hmm

[FZ] Anybody else that doesn’t want to be in the movie? Is there anything specific that you don’t like about that script?

[Jeff Simmons] No, in fact my part is the best part in the movie, I think…

[FZ] You’ve got the biggest part

[Jeff Simmons] I didn’t know how far… this could go

[FZ] And why do you think it went so far?

[Jeff Simmons] It was probably boiled in ammonia

[Howard Kaylan] I’m curious to know why, like I asked you this morning, why it puts you out so much to do it, man? Unless you’re just a little afraid that what you’ve gotta say is too much what you’d say anyway?

[Jeff Simmons] It is what I’d say. It’s exactly… It’s there!

[Howard Kaylan] So you’re not even acting, man

[Jeff Simmons] It’s done now. And I don’t.

[Howard Kaylan] Why are you afraid to say it to the people out there when you’ve been saying it to us for months?

[Jeff Simmons] I’m not afraid to say it to the people out there, I’m just afraid to be in this band anymore

[Howard Kaylan] Why?

[FZ] The lines that are in this film are based on things I’ve heard people say for years, all the way back to the very beginning. I don’t think anybody should have any objection to saying any of those things, because you’re playing yourself.

[Jeff Simmons] Should I turn this in?

[FZ] Sure

25. A bunch of adventures

[Notes by FZ] All following selections from the dialog track of “The True Story of 200 Motels”. Strange yet true.

[FZ] From the point that Jeff Simmons quit the group we’ve had a… bunch of adventures trying to find somebody to replace him, not only for the bass parts in the music, but to play the role that he was supposed to play in the film, which is a pretty large part. And uh… our first candidate for the role was Wilfrid Brambell, who played the grandfather in “A Hard Day’s Night”. So Wilfrid came over, tried out for the part, everything was set, he rehearsed with us for about a week, and then one day came to the studio here, and completely freaked out, and said that he couldn’t handle it anymore. So, we went into the dressing room, sat around with the guys in the band, and tried to figure out what we were gonna do about replacing the replacement. And the first person that walked through the door was Martin Lickert, who happened to be Ringo’s driver, and uh… everybody just turned and looked at him and went: “You!”

26. Martin Lickert’s story

[Martin Lickert] I just went out to get some cigarettes for him one day and came back and walked into the dressing room and there’s Frank and the rest of the Mothers and Ringo, few other people, and I walked in the room and they all went: “Yeah!” I said: “Yeah what?” You know, “Would… Would you like to try Jeff’s part?”, you know. So I just tried that, and it seemed to work OK.

[Roelof Kiers] Mm-mmh

[Martin Lickert] So Frank said: “Well, if you can play, play bass, you can try playing with the group as well”

[FZ] So he took the script and he read it and he sounded good and then just quite by accident, we found out that he was a bass player.

And he’s good for the part, is… quite professional on screen and as a bass player he’s not astonishing but… he can make the parts.

27. A great guy

[Howard Kaylan] Well, the character I play is a great guy, you see, right away that gives me a start. Uh… on the other hand, half of it’s reality and half of it isn’t, you know? Where the line is… it’s sometimes even hard for the players to tell, you know. It’s just that when you look at your script some lines come easier than other lines, you know, and usually those are the ones that you’ve said before, or feel that you could say quite honestly, you know, and some of the things were made up and it… it comes out that way.

28. Bad acting

[Mark Volman] Ever since you left the jazz world to seek fame and fortune in the rock & roll industry…

[Martin Lickert] Rock & roll!

What d’ya mean rock & roll? This fucking band doesn’t even play rock & roll, it’s all that comedy crap! ▲

29. The worst reviews

[Howard Kaylan] From “200 Motels” he expects the worst reviews of any movie ever put out, and I said: “Yeah, Frank? Why is that?” And he says: “Well, nobody’s ready for it”. But it doesn’t really matter, you know? He knows that the kids are gonna go see it, because it’s a weird movie. By the time this turkey comes out, man, I mean, there still won’t be anything out close to it.

30. A version of himself

[Mark Volman] Well uh… I play a v— a version of myself as Frank sees me, you know, like… you know what I mean?

[Roelof Kiers] No

[Mark Volman] It’s not uh… He sees the group from… Like we see him from one point of view and he sees us from another place, this was written around like where, you know, the folklore that each member had brought to create the image that we portray.

Like uh… some of the scenes have happened before, specifically the… the hotel room scene where the group sits and talks about how Frank is not… important to what the group is and… that scene I remember happening many times uh… just the whole idea that it is Frank Zappa and the Mothers of Invention has always given us something to talk about, you know, Frank is, you know, our boss and so there’s always that kinda management uh… worker relationship that, you know, that just happens, it isn’t like you, you plan for it to happen, it just does.

31. I could be a star now

[Martin Lickert] What do you do? You join the Mothers and you end up working for Zappa! And he makes you be a creep! You could have played the blues with John Mayall, or far out exciting jazz with Blood, Sweat & Tears.

[Don Preston] You really think so?

[Martin Lickert] Look, no one’ll ever take you seriously after this. How can they take you seriously? In this business you either gotta play the blues or sing with a high voice.

[Don Preston] You’re right, I never should have joined the Mothers. Why, I could be a star now! Oh.

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English lyrics from site Information Is Not Knowledge.