| [Notes by FZ] THE CURTAIN RISES
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| We see a small “cabaret stage”, with its own curtain and footlights. Seated around it are a group of conservatively dressed “FIRST NIGHTERS”, fondling their PLAYBILLS. The back curtain is limbo black.
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| HARRY, in a tux, and his wife, RHONDA, in a stylish suit with a fox collar, enter right and make their way toward two of the three empty seats in the front of the “cabaret stage”.
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| The stage lights dim, as if the show were beginning. The guitar intro for the PRELUDE blasts out from a pre-recorded digital tape.
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| The cabaret curtain rises. Seated on the stage we see THING-FISH, lecturing to a tiny potato-headed ▶ dummy named SISTER OB’DEWLLA ‘X’.
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| On either side of the cabaret stage, the characters and events described in THING-FISH’s narration appear, miming a reenactment of the text. We see the EVIL PRINCE, a group of COUNTRY-WESTERN MUSICIANS, the PRISON WARDEN, and the PRISON INMATES who will eventually become transformed.
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| [Thing-Fish] Once upon a time, musta been ‘round October, few years back, in one o’ dose TOP SECRET LABMO-TORIES de gubbnint keep stashed away underneath Virginia, a EVIL PRINCE, occasion’ly employed as a part-time THEATRICAL CRITICIZER, set to woikin’ on a plot fo’ de systematic GENOCIDICAL REMOVE’LANCE of all unwanted highly-rhythmic individj’lls an’ sissy-boys!
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| De cock-sucker done whiffed up a secret POTIUM… an’ right ‘long wid it, de ATROCIOUS IDEA dat what he been boilin’ up down deahhh jes’ mights be de FINAL SOLUTIUM to de WHITE MAIN’S BOIDENNN, ef yo’ acquire my drift…
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| Well, he were sure he had a GOOD THING GOIN’… but, dere was always de possobility dat somethin’ might fuck up, so he planned to have a little test, jes’ to check it all out befo’ he dump’t it in de wattuh supply.
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| Sho’tly denafter, wit HIGH-LEVEL GUBNINT COROBBERATIUM, he arranged to have a good-will visit to SAN QUENTIM, ‘long wit some country-westin mu-zishnin’s, an’ sprinkle a little bit of it on some of de boys in deahhh (since dey done used a few of ‘em befo’ when dey was messin’ wit de ZYPH’LISS).
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| So, heah dey come wit de POTIUM, dump’nit all in de mash potatoes!
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| Den dey wen’ up to de warden’s office fo’ some HOT TODDY, watchin’ a little football while dey’s waitin’ to see what gone happen!
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| Fact o’ de matter were: NOTHIN’ HAPPENED, so dey went off an’ dribbled it in a special shipnint of GALOOT CO-LOG-NUH dat went out ‘bouts NOVEMBER!
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| Next thing y’know, fagnits be droppin’ off like flies… ‘long wit a large number of severely-tanned individj’lls, pre-zumnably of HAY’CHEN EXTRAKMENT!
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| The dancers representing the convicts used for testing disappear behind the cabaret stage.
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| But NOT DE BOYS IN DE REST HOME! Oh no! Mixin’ de shit wit de mash potatoes done SMOOTHED IT OUT a little, so’s it wouldn’t kill yo’ ass, BUT it sho’ would make y’ugly! An’ ef y’was already UGLY, it’d make yo’ ass MEAN an’ UGLY… an’ ef you was already MEAN an’ UGLY, it’d turn ya into a strange, UNKNOWN KREETCHUH, never befo’ seen on BROADWAY!
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| Thass right! It’d turn ya into a “MAMMY NUN”! Head like a potato… ▶ lips like a duck… big ol’ hands, puffin’ up! BIG ONES! Science! Me-jev’l re-LIJ-mus costumery all over yo’ BODY!
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| Yow! OH YEAH! Mmmm-hmmm!
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| THING-FISH is joined on stage by the other “MAMMY NUNS”: SISTER ANNE de DEVINE ▶, SISTER OWL-GONKWIN-JANE COW-HOON, SISTER POTATO-HEAD BOBBY ▶ BROWN ▶, SISTER JASMINE NOXEMA-TAPIOCA, SISTER GHENGHIS-ADONIS-OSMOSIS.
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| They appear wearing giant potato-head masks with human eyes set in randomly. The lower part of the mask is a custom-molded flexible duckbill prosthesis. Their hands are Jolson-style white-gloved monstrosities.
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| The “MAMMY-NUN” costumes resemble the habits of some unknown order from the neck to the waist, with skirts patterned after the blue and white checkered napkin material favored by the lady on the “Aunt Jemima” Pancake Box.
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| These are worn by very large, evil-looking male dancers.
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| [Ensemble, singing] We got de talkin’ shoes!
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| We de MAMMY NUNS!
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| The “talking shoes” are designed to open in the front like a clam when the trigger (located at the heel) is depressed, revealing Day-Glo painted mutant toe nails.
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| [Thing-Fish] (Dominose vobiskmmmmm! ▶)
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| [Ensemble] We is important news!
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| We de MAMMY NUNS!
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| [Thing-Fish] (Et cum spear a TU-TU ohhhh!)
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| [Ensemble] We destroy de blues!
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| We de MAMMY NUNS!
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| [Thing-Fish] Sho’ am, y’all! (MAMMIES, step faw’d an’ express yo’sevs!)
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| The ENSEMBLE lifts their skirts, revealing customized lawn-jockeys ▶ with the outstretched lantern-bearing arm positioned between their legs.
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| Instead of a lantern, the hand of each jockey clutches a shower-head plumbing fixture.
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| On cue, what appears to be piss sprinkles onto HARRY, RHONDA, and the other “FIRST NIGHTERS”. Dry ice concealed beneath the target area gives the illusion of steam.
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| The “FIRST NIGHTERS” panic and rush off, leaving HARRY and RHONDA, soaked and stunned.
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| [Ensemble] We sho’ can dance an’ sing!
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| We’s a lot o’ fun!
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| [Thing-Fish] (D’ya get any on ya ▶ down dere?)
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| [Ensemble] We’s doin’ everything!
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| We’s a lot o’ fun!
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| [Thing-Fish] (How’d YOU like to use my nakkin’?)
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| [Ensemble] We’s doin’ de buck-and-wing!
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| We’s a lot o’ fun!
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| We’s offa de wall!
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| [Thing-Fish, pointing to his skirt] (Fo’ those of you unfamiliar wit de nakkin’, dis be de nakkin’!)
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| [Ensemble] ON BROADWAY, IT’S A NEW DAY…
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| [Thing-Fish] On Broadway, it’s a new day!
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| Dat’s right! Dat’s what I say!
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| [Ensemble] WHEN WE SAY…
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| [Thing-Fish] Oh yeah! You ‘bout through wif my nakkin’?
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| [Ensemble] We is de ones dey be callin’ de MAMMY NUNS!
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| [Thing-Fish] We ugly as SIN!
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| [Ensemble] We de MAMMY NUNS! WE BE LOOKIN’ GOOD WIT DE NAKKIN’ ON!
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| [Thing-Fish] We gots a nasty grin-n-n-n-n!
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| [Ensemble] We de MAMMY NUNS! WE BE LOOKIN’ GOOD WIT DE NAKKIN’ ON!
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| [Thing-Fish, pointing to Harry] We sho’ ain’t ugly as him…
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| [Ensemble] We de MAMMY NUNS! LAWD LAWD LAWD, LAWD LAWD LAWD, LAWD LAWD LAWD, we de MAMMY NUNS!
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| [Thing-Fish] Step right up, folks, an’ meet de MAMMY NUNS! You two ugly white folks hafta excuse de SISTERS, as what dey put in de mash potatoes have rendered dem INCONTINENT! Anyhow, ovuh heahhhh, de scintillating SISTER OWL-GONKWIN-JANE COW-HOON, and de delectable SISTER GHENGHIS-ADONIS-OSMOSIS… ‘long wif SISTER POTATO-HEAD BOBBY ▶ BROWN ▶, and de ever-popular SISTER ANNE de DEVINE… ▶ an’ howsabouta heart-warmin’ welcome fo’ SISTER JASMINE NOXEMA-TAPIOCA an’ her unscrutable companium, SISTER OB’DEWLLA ‘X’… an’ I’s yo’ host: de THING-FISH!
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| [Ensemble] ON BROADWAY IT’S A NEW DAY WHEN WE SAY
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| We is de ones dey be callin’ de MAMMY NUNS!
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| [Thing-Fish] We is dressed to kill!
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| [Ensemble] We be lookin’ good!
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| [Thing-Fish] We gives you quite a thrill!
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| [Ensemble] We be dancin’ good!
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| (Whom a ninny? Him? Him a ninny! Hah! Whom a ninny? You’m a ninny! Haw!)
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| Wit de dancin’ skill, wit de nakkin’ on, LAWD!
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| MAMMY NUNS pose & flex. THING-FISH, clutching OB’DEWLLA, assumes the Ed Sullivan attitude ▶, stage left.
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| [Rhonda, stage whisper] HARRY, this is not “DREAM GIRLS”!
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| [Harry, stage whisper] They told me it had c-c-colored folk in it, RHONDA, and that’s ALWAYS a sure sign of GOOD, SOLID, MUSICAL ENTERTAINMENT! How was I supposed to know they’d be this ugly?
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| [Rhonda] They pissed on us, HARRY! They fuckin’ pissed on us! Look at my fox!
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| [Harry] I know, dear… but they pissed on me too… he did say they were INCONTINENT!
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| [Rhonda] Just smell this! I think we should get out of here before they do something else to us!
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| [Harry] Leave? Now? At these ticket prices? Just hold your horses… it probably wasn’t REAL PISS… only “theater piss”… they probably have a formula… some special stuff… comes right outta the fur with Woolite.
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| [Rhonda] What’s happened to Broadway, HARRY? Used to be you could come to one of these things and ✄ the wind would be RUSHING DOWN THE PLAIN or a fairy on a string would go over the audience… but NOW! HARRY, I ask you: “Is THIS entertainment?”
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| [Harry] You’re absolutely correct, dear! So far we haven’t seen a single good-looking pair of legs… a single sequin-encrusted whatchamacallit… no firm, rounded breasts! This show is a DISASTER, RHONDA! A complete and utter DISASTER!
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| [Thing-Fish] Mmmm! Say dere… Hey! Umm-hmm! Thass right! Hey YOU! You two ugly white folks… over heahhh! As you know, de presence of carboniferous hard-core unemployables has gen’rally, in de historical past, guaranteed an evenin’ of upliftin’ FROLIC and CAVORTMENT… it’d be a shame fo’ y’all t’miss out on dis here one! Got some nice chairs fo’ ya, rights ovuh heahhh.
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| HARRY and RHONDA rise, cross to THING-FISH, and sit in the chairs he offers. They are immediately chained to them by the MAMMIES.
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| [Harry] Uhhh… beg pardon? What’s going on here?
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| [Rhonda] Oh! They’re touching me! HARRY! HARRY! HARRY! HARRY, do something! THEY’RE PUTTING CHAINS ON ME! I’LL BE STUCK TO THE CHAIR! Oh! What’ll I do? I’LL MISS INTERMISSION!
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| [Harry] They’re only “theater chains”, RHONDA! Just some sort of…
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| [Rhonda] THESE ARE REAL GODDAM CHAINS, HARRY, AND THEY’RE NOT GONNA COME OFF WITH WOOLITE!
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| [Harry] I don’t mind the way they feel… they don’t bother me, honey… relax! Go with the flow…
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| [Rhonda] HARRY, YOU ARE AN OVER-EDUCATED SHIT-HEAD!
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| [Thing-Fish] Look here, folks… dis only fo’ yo’ own protexium! Once we gets rollin’ heah, things be happnin’ all over de place dat could prove dangerous to persons not previously acquainted wit de SAN QUENTIM MASH-POTATOES!
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| [Rhonda] I want the wind to come rushing down the plain! I want fairies on a string over the audience! I want REAL BROADWAY ENTERTAINMENT! Feathers! Spotlights! GUILT! Hours upon hours of GUILT! About my mother! About my father! About brave women, suffering at the hands of infantile, insensitive, dominating men! And what do I get? A potato-headed jigaboo with catholic clothes on! Incomprehensible duck lips! Weak bladders draining through abnorminably large organs! Jesus, HARRY! What the FUCK is going on here?
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| [Harry] Simmer down! If you’ll just roll with the punches… and don’t rock the boat, I’m sure we’ll have a lovely evening at the theater!
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| [Thing-Fish] Thass right! We got fairies on a string fo’ yo’ ass jes’ a little later! Meanwhile, I b’lieves y’all requires some updatement on de CO-LOG-NUH situatium! Sister OB’DEWLLA ‘X’! Express yo’seff!
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| [Ensemble, singing] GALOOT CO-LOG-NUH!
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| [Thing-Fish] GALOOT GALOOT, GALOOT GALOOT, GALOOT GALOOT, de KILLER CO-LOG-NUH!
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| [Ensemble] GALOOT CO-LOG-NUH!
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| [Thing-Fish] GALOOT GALOOT, GALOOT GALOOT, GALOOT GALOOT, de KILLER CO-LOG-NUH. Thass right! De KILLER CO-LOG-NUH, thass right! Well, de gubnint dint fine out rights away ‘bout…
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| [Ensemble] De MAMMY NUNS
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| [Thing-Fish] Dat’s right!
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| [Ensemble] De MAMMY NUNS
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| [Thing-Fish] Well, dey’s too damn excited ‘bout de sissies dey was knockin’ off, an’ workin’ up an uncreedable variety of theoretical scenarios, to explain away how come de fagnits all be croakin’ at de same time in…
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| [Ensemble] NOVEMBER!
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| [Thing-Fish] De month o’ NOVEMBUH, reekin’ of tainted CO-LOG-NUM! Dey booked in de heavy pseudo re-lij-mus talent to pronunciate de doc-trine of BIBLICAL RETRIBUTIUM!
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| [Ensemble] Moving the project forward!
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| [Thing-Fish] Figgin’ dat to be…
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| [Ensemble] Da-da-dee-dahh!
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| [Thing-Fish] A sho-fi’ explumation, suitable fo’ Domestical…
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| [Ensemble] Assuagement!
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| [Thing-Fish] Natchilly, a substantial number o’ severely ignint white folks went fo’ it, hook, line, an’ shrinker!
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| By dat time, de MAMMY NUNS had already sprouted dem ‘tato heads, an’ was in de process of growin’ out dey’ nakkins…
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| Also, by a peculiar corinsidence, we’s all up fo’ PAROLE at de SAME TIME! Thass right! You figgit out!
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| Once we’s out DE JOINT, we faced a hard time in de depressium… couldn’t get no ‘sembly line woik, an’ since de nakkins we’s wearin’ atch’ly be GROWIN’ outs our bodies, we was labelled as “over-qualified” fo’ janitorical deployment!
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| Onliest good thang ‘bout bein’ a MAMMY NUN is we be mo-less un-destructable! Whatever dey done whiffed up befo’ don’t do SHIT to us now! Fact, we jes’ mights be de onliest thangs left walkin’ in de USA, now de MYS’TRY RE-ZEASE gone outta control!
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| [Ensemble] Just like you!
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| [Thing-Fish] Just like you!
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| I see some o’ y’all be FROWNIN’… ‘cause mebbe y’think what I’s tellin’ ya is a LIE!
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| How ‘bout it, folks? Whatcha say? Id dat right?
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| [Ensemble] Yes, it sho’ is!
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| [Thing-Fish] Les’ jes’ have a test… How many o’ you nice folks think I knows what I’s talkin’ ‘bout? RAISE Y’HAIN UP! Uh-huh!
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| An’ how many thinks my potato been bakin’ too long? RAISE YO’ MIZZABLE HAIN UP! Uh-huh!
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| Now… how many you folks is CONVINCED de gubnint be totally “UNCONCERNED” wit de proliferatium o’ UNDESIRABLE TENANTS in de CONDOMINIUM o’ LIFE? An’ how many folks believe THEY number won’t come up, next time de breeze blow fum de Easterly directium? ▶
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| Les’ face it, peoples! Ugly as I mights be, I AM YO’ FUTCHUM!
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| ‘Les y’all prefer “permanent storage” or a condo in ATLANTIS ▶
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| [Ensemble] They could really get down there!
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| [Thing-Fish] Dey could really GET DOWN dere, but, I’s de only protexium you got!
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| Now, durin’ de intromissium, de SISTERS be sellin’ some mash POTATOES in de lobby, right over by de…
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| [Ensemble] PYRAMID!
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| [Thing-Fish] In de vicinity o’ de…
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| [Ensemble] SQUID DÉCOR!
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| [Thing-Fish] ‘Neath de planet o’ de big ol’ giant…
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| [Ensemble] Underwater door!
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| [Thing-Fish] A generous good-will offerin’ are REQUIRED… jes’ let yo’ conscience be yo’ guide…
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| [Ensemble] BLUE LIGHT!
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| [Thing-Fish] Jes’ follow de BLUE LIGHT, down de aisle to de potatoes durin’ de intromissium
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| [Ensemble] Light, light, light, light… BLUE
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| Light, light, light, light… BLUE
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| BLUE LIGHT, BLUE LIGHT
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| [Thing-Fish] An’ while y’all be thinkin’ about de blue light, an’ y’all be decidin’ whether or not yo’ immunity gwine hold up ‘til de end o’ de show, I’s ‘bout to address myseff to de re-educatement o’ dem silly muthafuckers over deahhh
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| [Ensemble] You can’t even speak your own fucking language!
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| [Thing-Fish] What on urf do you mean: “MY LANGUAGE”? I got yo’ language hangin’, boy, ‘long wif a two-week supply of IGNINT McNUGGET, de breakfast o’ champiums!
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| [Ensemble] DON’T LET YOUR MEAT LOAF! HUH-HUH-HUH!
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| [Thing-Fish] Huh? Kiss my McNUGGET!
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| [Ensemble] YOUR MICRO-NANETTE!
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| [Thing-Fish] Y’all kin kiss my Micro-Nanette too!
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| [Ensemble] YOUR BLUE…
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| [Thing-Fish] Don’t forget de GALOOT!
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| [Ensemble] CO-LOG-NUHHHH!
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| [Thing-Fish] GALOOT COLOGNUM!
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| [Notes by FZ] The scene changes to the EVIL PRINCE’S dungeon laboratory (traditional decor), featuring, as a centerpiece, a large aquarium tank housing a preposterous artificial pig made out of soft red vinyl, illuminated in the tank by four infra-red lamps like the ones they use to keep the french-fries warm at Burger King.
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| The pig opens at the top like a grotesque handbag. Inside are hidden yards and yards of fake entrails made from cotton tubing, stuffed with kapok, tied off in segments to make it look lumpy, and dyed in various colors.
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| Dangerous-looking hoses, tubes, and air-conditioning duct-work run from an oversized I.V. bottle labeled “GALOOT COLOGNE” into the pig and the tank.
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| Nearby is an American flag and a photo blow-up of Ronald Reagan with a cowboy hat.
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| [Thing-Fish] Now, dis nasty sucker is de respondable party fo’ de en-whiffment o’ de origumal potium.
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| Through de magik o’ stage-kraff ▶, we be able to see him at woik!
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| He now be preparin’ some ugly shit to make yo’ life even mo’ mizzable den it awready are, since dis batch be resigned to render him IMMORTAL! We does not know if it gwine woik yet, but we kin always hope fo’ de best! ▶
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| [Thing-Fish, singing] Flies all green an’ buzznin’ in his dunjing of despair
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| Prisoners grummle an’ piss dey’ clothes an’ scratch dey’ matted hair
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| A tiny light fum a window hole a hunnit yards away
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| Is all dey ever gets t’know ‘bouts de reg’luh life in de day
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| An’ it stink so bad, de stones been chokin’ an’ weepin’ greenish drops
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| In de room where de giant fowah puffer woikin’ an’ de torchum never stops
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| De torchum never stops
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| De torchum…
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| De torchum…
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| De torchum never stops
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| (Go on, ‘DEWLLA! Play dat lil’ guitar one mo’ ‘gin!)
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| [Thing-Fish, spoken] Uh-huh! I smells trubba! He be messin’ wit pigmeat heahhh! Muthafucker be rejectin’ some CO-LOG-NUH directly into de DUO-DEENUM of de unsuspecting victim! Now he gone see if he immune to it by eatin’ a dab hisseff!
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| [Thing-Fish, singing] Flies all green an’ buzznin’ in his dunjing of despair
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| An EVIL PRINCE eats a steamin’ pig in a chamber right near dere
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| He eat de snouts an’ de trotters foist
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| De loins an’ de groins id soon re-spersed
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| His carvin’ style id well re-hoist
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| He stan’ an’ shout:
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| “All main be coist”
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| “All main be coist”
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| “All main be coist”
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| “All main be coist”
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| An’ dis-ergree? Well, no one durst…
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| He de best, of cose, of all de woist
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| Some wrong been done, he done it foist
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|
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| An’ he stink so bad, his bones been chokin’ and weepin’ greenish drops
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| In de vat of GALOOT CO-LOG-NUH where de re-zease be berlin’ up
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| Berlin’ an’ boilin’ up
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| CO-LOG-NUH!
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| CO-LOG-NUH!
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| GALOOT CO-LOG-UH-NUH!
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| Doors open all over the dungeon and BROADWAY ZOMBIES emerge. There is a “PETER PAN” zombie, a “HELLO DOLLY” zombie, an “OKLAHOMA” zombie, and an “ANNIE” zombie (with her zombie-dog). These are large puppets, operated by dancers in black. The EVIL PRINCE performs an assortment of disgusting experiments on them with medieval tongs and tweezers.
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| [Thing-Fish, spoken] Oh! Do yo’seff a favum an’ DON’T USE IT! Oooooooh! Look at THESE ugly suckers! Boy, when white folks come back fum bein’ dead, they sho’ gets scary-lookin’! But don’t take their appearance too seriously, people, ‘cause dey say dis de sort o’ folks dat belongs on BROADWAY!
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| The BROADWAY ZOMBIES collect around the EVIL PRINCE, who suddenly suspects the presence of an intruder. After taking a large bite from an onion he sings…
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| [Evil Prince, singing] Somewhere, over there, I can tell
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| There’s a voice of a potato-headed ▶ whatchamacallit
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| Who does not wish me well!
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|
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| His clothes are quite stupid and also his shoes!
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| He’s got a big ol’ duck-mouth! (Who knows how he chews!)
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| He thinks he knows something about THE GREAT PLAN!
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| How ULTIMATE BLANDNESS must RULE and COMMAND
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|
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| He knows not a drop, not a crumb, not a whit
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| Of the reason for doing this criminal shit
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| And then, if he did would it matter a bit?
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|
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| Not at all!
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| Because IT IS WRIT
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| Our BEIGE-BLANDISH GOD tends to CERTIFY IT:
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|
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| “Only the boring and bland shall survive!
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| Only the lamest of lameness will thrive!”
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| Take it or leave it, you won’t be alive
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| If you are overtly CREATIVE!
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|
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| Fairies and faggots and queers are “CREATIVE”
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| All the best music on Broadway is “NATIVE”
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| Who will step forward and end all this trouble?
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| For beige-blandish citizens clutching the rubble
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| Of vanishing dreams, of wimpish amusement
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| Replaced by a rash of “CREATIVE” confusement!
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| Soon, my brave zombies, you’ll make your return!
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| Broadway will glow! Broadway will burn!
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| (Along with the remnants of EVERYTHING NEW)
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| My HOLY DISEASE will do wonders for you!
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| Those lovely producers who paid for you ‘then’
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| Will do it again, and again, and again!
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| The BROADWAY ZOMBIES respond by silently re-enacting the “GREATEST MOMENTS” from their famous shows.
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| [Evil Prince, singing to the zombies] The spying potato
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| With horrible diction
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| Will rot in the garbage
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| When this show’s eviction
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| Takes place shortly after my alternate skill
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| Of THEATRICAL SABOTAGE, triumphs YOUR will!
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|
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| I’ve a special review
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| I’ve been saving for years
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| For a show just like this
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| With POTATOES and QUEERS
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| I’ll say it’s disgusting, atrocious, and dull
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| I’ll say it makes boils inside of your skull
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| I’ll say it’s the worst-of-the-worst of the year
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| No ✄ wind down the plain, and it’s HARD on your ear
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| I’ll say it’s the work of an infantile mind
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| I’ll say that it’s tasteless, and that you will find
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| A better excuse to spend money or time
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| At a Tupperware party
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| So, do ✄ be a smarty!
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| Hold on to that dollar a little while longer
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| For spending it here, why, it couldn’t be wronger!
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| WHAT’S HAPPENED TO BROADWAY?
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| WHERE’S IT GONE, ALL THE GLITTER?
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| THE “HEART” AND THE “SOUL”
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| THE PATTER?
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| THE PITTER?
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| And after this deadly review hits the paper
|
| In will come ROPER, BENDER & RAPER
|
| To legally execute all that remains
|
| Of this tragic amusement for drug-addled brains
|
|
|
| [Thing-Fish, singing] Flies all green an’ buzznin’ in his dunjing of despair
|
| Who are all o’ dem ZOMBIES dat he fuckin’ wit down dere?
|
| Are dey crazy?
|
| Are dey sainted?
|
| Are dey STAGE-KRAFF someone painted?
|
| It have never been explained since at first it were created
|
| But a MUSICAL, like we’s in
|
| Require a WHOLE BUNCH O’ EVERYTHIN’!
|
| We talkin’ EVERYTHIN’ DAT EVER BEEN!
|
| Look at her!
|
| Look at him!
|
|
|
| Dat what de deal we dealing in
|
| Dat what de deal we dealing in
|
| Dat what de deal we dealing in
|
| Dat what de deal we dealing in
|
| [Harry] RHONDA, that EVIL PRINCE… he certainly does have a way about him!
|
| [Rhonda] At least HE didn’t piss on my fox… and HE has REAL BROADWAY STARS for personal acquaintances!
|
| [Harry] They’re all dead, dear… zombies, I believe… the “walking dead”… Jack Palance did a show on them once.
|
| The EVIL PRINCE reaches into the bowels of the ravaged experimental pig and gorges himself on the raw entrails, tossing scraps to the BROADWAY ZOMBIES.
|
|
|
| [Rhonda] Oh my God! Look at what he’s doing with that stuff from inside the pig! Yuck! That’s disgusting! Are you sure this guy is a PRINCE?
|
| [Harry] He’s an EVIL PRINCE, dear… and part-time theater critic! They don’t make a heck-of-a-lot of money, y’know! We should probably feel sorry for him. You have to admit, those ARE some of the least expensive cuts of pork.
|
|
|
| [Thing-Fish] Don’t you white folks know nothin’? Dat cock-sucker not only mean an’ dangerous, he ignint in regards to de prep’ratium o’ food-stuffs! Even in SAN QUENTIM I never seen nobody eat a RAW CHITLIN’! De muthafucker be CRAZY! An’ when dat gobbige make its way thoo de digestium process, you bes’ be hopin’ you on yo’ way outta heahh! Next item de boy be inventin’ come under de headin’ o’ industrial pollutium!
|
| [Harry] Just what are these… chitlins?
|
| [Thing-Fish] Dat dere id perhaps de questium most frequently posed by members of yo’ species! I’ll jes’ gets de MAMMYS t’hep me relucidate dis bafflin’ concept wit another thrillin’ numbuh!
|
| SISTER ANNE de DEVINE ▶ and SISTER GHENGHIS-ADONIS-OSMOSIS clamp electrodes on HARRY and RHONDA. The other sisters re-enter with a pair of stuffed dummies, used to illustrate the song text in a bizarre sort of “Bunraku First-Aid Demonstration”.
|
| [Thing-Fish] Straighten up in dat chair and pay ATTENTIUM! People, dis is fo’ yo’ own good! Do YOU know what YOU are? ▶
|
|
|
| [Ensemble, displaying Dummy #1] Do you know what you are?
|
| [Thing-Fish] Dat what I ast ya!
|
| [Ensemble] You are what you is
|
| [Ensemble] You is what you am
|
| [Thing-Fish] And DAT de trufe!
|
| [Ensemble] (A cow don’t make ham…)
|
| [Thing-Fish] I meant dat now!
|
|
|
| [Ensemble] You ain’t what you’re not
|
| [Thing-Fish] Not even hardly…
|
| [Ensemble] So see what you got
|
| [Thing-Fish] And you got a lot o’ lookin’ t’do, junior!
|
| [Ensemble] You are what you is
|
| [Thing-Fish] Dat entirely TOO CORRECT!
|
| [Ensemble] An’ that’s all it is!
|
| [Thing-Fish] Uh-huhhhh!
|
|
|
| [Ensemble] A foolish young man
|
| [Thing-Fish] Bring dat dummy ovuh heah an’ show it to ‘em!
|
| [Ensemble] Stashed away in SAN QUENTIM
|
| [Ensemble] Ate de mys’try potatoes
|
| [Thing-Fish] Told ya ‘bout dem ‘taters!
|
| [Ensemble] EVIL PRINCE was inventin’
|
|
|
| [Ensemble] Now he talk like de THING-FISH
|
| [Thing-Fish, manipulating the dummy] (“Hmmmm, Saffiiiee!”)
|
| [Ensemble] An’ he look like a MAMMY!
|
| [Thing-Fish, manipulating the dummy] (“See de mammy, now! See de mammy, now!”)
|
| [Ensemble] His fav’rit CO-LOG-NUMM…
|
| [Thing-Fish] Smell like…
|
| [Sister Jasmine Noxema-Tapioca & Sister Potato-Head Bobby Brown & Sister Ghenghis-Adonis-Osmosis] CHITLINS!
|
| [Ensemble] Is de one dey call “SAMMY”!
|
| [Thing-Fish] One-Adam-Twelve… see de Mammy…
|
|
|
| [Ensemble] He finally layin’
|
| [Thing-Fish] Armed an’ dangerous, reproach wit cautium!
|
| [Ensemble] De whole thang down
|
| [Ensemble] ‘Cept de NIVEA LOTIUM!
|
| [Thing-Fish] Rub it on good, now!
|
| [Ensemble] An’ de ROYAL CROWN!
|
| [Thing-Fish] Take good care o’ dat “ASH”!
|
|
|
| [Ensemble] Do you know what you are?
|
| [Thing-Fish] You’s a wimp… she’s a shrew!
|
| [Ensemble] You are what you is
|
| [Thing-Fish] Got dat?
|
| [Ensemble] You is what you am
|
| [Thing-Fish] One-Adam-Twelve, see de mammy agin’!
|
| [Ensemble] (A cow don’t make ham…)
|
| [Thing-Fish] And it never will…
|
|
|
| [Ensemble] You ain’t what you’re not
|
| [Thing-Fish] Unless SCIENCE do somethin’ ‘bout it!
|
| [Ensemble] So see what you got
|
| [Thing-Fish] I KNOW dey woikin’ on it…
|
| [Ensemble] You are what you is
|
| [Thing-Fish] Underneath VIRGINIA!
|
| [Ensemble] An’ that’s all it is
|
| [Thing-Fish] BOOK, BOOK ‘EM Danno… “MAMMY ONE”!
|
| They toss dummy #1 into the wings, and introduce dummy #2 to HARRY & RHONDA. Their torture-chairs, (on a rolling platform), are wheeled to center stage. The action takes place all around them.
|
|
|
| [Ensemble, showing Dummy #2] A foolish young man
|
| Of de Negro Persuasion
|
| Devoted his life
|
| To become a Caucasian
|
| He stopped eating pork
|
| He stopped eating greens
|
| He traded his dashiki
|
| [Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon, manipulating the dummy] “Uhuru!”
|
| [Ensemble] For some Jordache Jeans
|
|
|
| He learned to play golf
|
| An’ he got a good score
|
| Now he says to himself:
|
| “I AIN’T NO…
|
| [Thing-Fish] NIGNINT!”
|
| [Ensemble] NO MORE! HEY! HEY! HEY!
|
|
|
| [Thing-Fish] One-Adam-Twelve, see de “NIGNINT” wit knife… proceed wif cautium… knife may be open…
|
| [Ensemble] BWANA MA-COO-BAH
|
| [Harry] All right! Let’s go!
|
| [Ensemble] MERCEDES BAINNNNNNNZ
|
|
|
| [Ensemble] Who is who?
|
| [Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon, singing] I don’t know…
|
| [Ensemble] An’ what is what?
|
| [Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon] Somethin’ I just don’t know…
|
| [Ensemble] An’ why is this…
|
| [Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon] Tell me now…
|
| [Ensemble] Appropriot?
|
| [Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon] That’s a funny pronunciation if’n ever I heard one…
|
|
|
| [Ensemble] If you don’t like
|
| [Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon] Where’d you get that word?
|
| [Ensemble] What you has got
|
| [Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon] Appropriot? The word is not…
|
| [Ensemble] Drop it in the dirt
|
| [Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon] Drop it, yeah!
|
| [Ensemble] An’ let it rot
|
| [Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon] I can smell it now!
|
|
|
| [Ensemble] Someone else
|
| [Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon] Here de come, here de come!
|
| [Ensemble] Will surely come
|
| [Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon] I told you he was comin’!
|
| [Ensemble] An’ pick it up
|
| [Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon] That’s right!
|
| [Ensemble] ‘Cause he wants some
|
| [Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon] An’ he wants it for free!
|
|
|
| [Ensemble] And when one day
|
| [Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon] There will come a day!
|
| [Ensemble] You wonder who
|
| [Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon] I wonder too!
|
| [Ensemble] You used to was
|
| [Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon] Who I was, anyway!
|
| [Ensemble] An’ what you do
|
| [Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon] I used to work at the post office!
|
|
|
| [Ensemble] You’ll scratch your head
|
| [Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon] But I don’t wanna un-do my doo! ▶
|
| [Ensemble] An’ look around
|
| [Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon] To see what’s goin’ on!
|
| [Ensemble] But what you lost
|
| [Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon] Can’t seem to find it!
|
| [Ensemble] Will not be found
|
| [Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon] A Mercedes Benz!
|
|
|
| [Ensemble] Do you know what you are?
|
| [Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon] I know!
|
| [Ensemble] You are what you is
|
| [Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon] I’m the kinda guy…
|
| [Ensemble] You is what you am
|
| [Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon] That ought to be drivin’…
|
| [Ensemble] (A cow don’t make ham…)
|
| [Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon] A four-fifty SLC…
|
|
|
| [Ensemble] You ain’t what you’re not
|
| [Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon] A big ol’ red one!
|
| [Ensemble] So see what you got
|
| [Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon] With some golf clubs stickin’ out de trunk!
|
| [Ensemble] You are what you is
|
| [Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon] I’m gwine down to de links on Saturday mornin’!
|
| [Ensemble] An’ that’s all it is
|
| [Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon] Gimme a five-dollar bill! ▶
|
|
|
| [Ensemble] YOU ARE WHAT YOU IS
|
| [Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon] And an overcoat too
|
| [Ensemble] AN’ THAT’S ALL IT IS
|
| [Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon] Where’s my waitress? ▶ Yeahhhh
|
| [Ensemble] YOU ARE WHAT YOU IS
|
| [Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon] Robbie, take me to Greek Town…
|
| [Ensemble] AN’ THAT’S ALL IT IS
|
| [Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon] I’m harder than yer husband, harder than yer husband… ▶
|
|
|
| [Ensemble] YOU ARE WHAT YOU IS
|
| [Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon] I’m goin’ down to White Street, to the Mudd Club, y’all!
|
| [Ensemble] AN’ THAT’S ALL IT IS
|
| [Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon] I’m goin’ down an’ work the wall ▶ an’ work the floor…
|
| [Ensemble] YOU ARE WHAT YOU IS
|
| [Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon] An’ work the pipe, an’ work the wall some more!
|
| [Ensemble] AN’ THAT’S ALL IT IS
|
| [Notes by FZ] HARRY and RHONDA are released from their chairs. Apparently, a thrilling transformation has taken place. They leap up energetically and begin to dance (a horrible combination of twisting and frugging).
|
| As the lyrics indicate, the scene changes to the interior of a tragically dated “NEW WAVE” nightclub, complete with “abstract denizens” performing the actions described below.
|
|
|
| [Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon] And here we are, at the Mudd Club, y’all!
|
| I hope you enjoy yourself ‘cause the show’s about to begin!
|
|
|
| [Ensemble] Hey, they’re really dancin’, they’re on AUTO-DESTRUCT
|
| On the floor, on the pipe, bouncin’ off-a the wall
|
| Hey, the people here are really tearin’ it up
|
| On the side, in the back, by the front of the stage
|
| They ain’t really crazy (you can take it from me)
|
| I should know ‘cause I go every time I’m in town
|
| If you never tried it, lemme straighten you out
|
| It’s the best kinda place to unfasten yerself
|
|
|
| MUDD CLUB!
|
| [Thing-Fish] All the way downtown
|
| [Ensemble] MUDD CLUB!
|
| [Thing-Fish] They ain’t messin’ around
|
| [Ensemble] MUDD CLUB!
|
| [Thing-Fish] Just turn to the left an’ look around because it’s there SOMEWHERE!
|
| If you ain’t found it, better hurry up!
|
| The folks down there’s on AUTO-DESTRUCT
|
| And so can YOU be TOO!
|
| (De fact o’ de matter it’s MADE FOR YOU!)
|
|
|
| Try it on a Saturday ‘bout four o’clock in the mornin’ or even a Monday at midnight, when there’s just a few of them severely ignint white folks doin’ the ♫ Peppermint Twist (for real), in a black sack dress (with nine-inch heels)
|
| And then a guy with a BLUE MOHAWK come in, in Serious Leather… (and all the rest of whom for which to when-so-never of partially indeterminate bio-chemical degradation SEEK “THE PATH” to the sudsy yellow nozzle of their foaming nocturnal parametric digital whole-wheat inter-faith geo-thermal terpsichorean ejectamenta)
|
|
|
| In Serious Leather…
|
| In Serious Chains!
|
| An’ den dey works de wall!
|
| Dey works de floor!
|
| Dey works de pipe!
|
| An’ dey works de wall SOME MORE!
|
|
|
| In Serious Leather…
|
| Serious Chains!
|
| Serious Clothing!
|
| From when they come downtown
|
| From the ruins of Studio 54
|
| To Twist an’ Frugg
|
| In an arrogant gesture
|
| To THE BEST of what de 20th Century have to offer
|
| Including a generous supply of “IGNINT McNUGGET”!
|
|
|
| QUENTIN ROBERT DE NAMELAND
|
| Down there right now
|
| With a whole face-full of “IGNINT McNUGGET”
|
| Looking for a virgin with nice breath!
|
| [Sister Jasmine Noxema-Tapioca & Sister Potato-Head Bobby Brown, two-part harmony] Why, maybe it’s YOU!
|
| [Thing-Fish] And YOU don’t even know it!
|
|
|
| [Ensemble] Hey, they’re really dancin’
|
| [Thing-Fish] Dey REALLY dancin’…
|
| [Ensemble] They’re on AUTO-DESTRUCT
|
| On the floor, on the pipe, bouncin’ off-a the wall!
|
| [Thing-Fish] Right offa dat wall, too!
|
| [Ensemble] Hey, the people here are really tearin’ it up
|
| [Thing-Fish] Dey tearin’ it off!
|
| [Ensemble] On the side, in the back, by the front of the stage
|
| [Thing-Fish] Took de boy’s Mohawk off!
|
| [Ensemble] They ain’t really crazy (you can take it from me)
|
| [Thing-Fish] Uh-oh! I smells trubba! ▶
|
| [Ensemble] I should know ‘cause I go every time I’m in town
|
| [Thing-Fish] CHRISTIANS comin’ up!
|
| [Ensemble] If you never tried it, lemme straighten you out
|
| [Thing-Fish] Lemme straighten you out, now…
|
| [Ensemble] It’s the best kinda place to unfasten yerself, while you…
|
|
|
| [Thing-Fish] Get off dat wall now, boy!
|
| [Ensemble] WORK THE WALL! ▶
|
| [Thing-Fish] Dey workin’ de wall!
|
| [Ensemble] WORK THE FLOOR!
|
| [Thing-Fish] Dey not only woikin’ it, dey turnin’ de damn thing!
|
| [Ensemble] WORK THE PIPE!
|
| [Thing-Fish] De pipe?
|
| [Ensemble] IN SERIOUS PAIN
|
| Through the magic of stagecraft ▶, the nightclub panels turn and shift, changing the scene to the interior of the QUENTIN ROBERT DE NAMELAND VIDEO CHAPEL OF ECONOMIC WORSHIP. The new wave denizens shed bits of costumery and wigs, becoming dazed, worshipful VIDEO CHRISTIANS.
|
| [Thing-Fish] Welcome to the QUENTIN ROBERT DE NAMELAND VIDEO CHAPEL OF ECONOMIC WORSHIP!
|
|
|
| [Ensemble, singing] Some take THE BIBLE for what it’s worth
|
| When it says that THE MEEK shall inherit THE EARTH
|
| Well, I heard that some sheik has bought New Jersey last week
|
| An’ you, suckers, ain’t gettin’ DOODLY!
|
|
|
| Is all de MAMMYS really wrong
|
| If we’s wandrin’ aroun’ wit’ de nakkin’ on?
|
| Big ol’ lips like a duck while we’s singin’ dis song
|
| (EVIL PRINCE, people, he cain’t do NOTHIN’! ▶)
|
|
|
| [Thing-Fish] You say yo’ life a “BUM DEAL” an’ yo’ “UP AGAINST DE WALL”?
|
| Well, people, you ain’t got no kinda “DEAL” at all!
|
| Now de shit dey be doin’ down in WASHINGTUM
|
| [Ensemble] Dey just takes care
|
| [Thing-Fish] Dey takin’ care
|
| [Ensemble] O’ NUMBER ONE
|
| [Thing-Fish] O’ NUMBER ONE!
|
| [Ensemble] An’ NUMBER ONE ain’t YOU!
|
| [Thing-Fish] Oh no! It ain’t YOU or YOU!
|
| [Ensemble] YOU ain’t even NUMBER TWO!
|
|
|
| [Thing-Fish] (Push de BUTTON, pull dat CHAIN
|
| Out come dat lil’ brown choo-choo train!)
|
|
|
| [Ensemble] Those JESUS FREAKS, well, they’re friendly BUT
|
| The SHIT they BELIEVE has got their minds ALL SHUT
|
| An’ they don’t even CARE when THE CHURCH takes a cut
|
| Ain’t it BLEAK when you’ve got so much NOTHIN’?
|
|
|
| [Thing-Fish] Wohhhh, so whaddya do?
|
|
|
| [Ensemble] EAT that PORK, an’ EAT that HAM!
|
| Laugh till ya choke on BILLY GRAHAM!
|
| BROWN MOSES, AARON an’ ABRAHAM…
|
| They’re ALL a waste of TIME
|
| An’ it’s YOUR ASS that’s ON THE LINE!
|
| [Thing-Fish] Wohhhh, heah me talkin’ to ya, now
|
| IT’S YOUR ASS THAT’S ON THE LINE
|
|
|
| [Ensemble] Do what you WANNA
|
| [Thing-Fish] Oh! Do what ya wanna!
|
| [Ensemble] Do WHAT YOU WILL
|
| [Thing-Fish] Do what you will!
|
| [Ensemble] Just DON’T MESS UP
|
| [Thing-Fish] Don’t mess it!
|
| [Ensemble] YOUR NEIGHBOR’S THRILL
|
| [Thing-Fish] Dat’s right!
|
| [Ensemble] An’ when you PAY THE BILL
|
| [Thing-Fish] Aww, when y’pay de bill…
|
| [Ensemble] Kindly LEAVE A LITTLE TIP
|
| [Thing-Fish] One-Adam-Twelve…
|
| [Ensemble] And help the NEXT POOR SUCKER
|
| [Thing-Fish] See de sucker…
|
| [Ensemble] On his ONE-WAY TRIP!
|
|
|
| SOME TAKE THE BIBLE!
|
|
|
| [Thing-Fish] (Aw, gimme a half a duzzning fo’ de hotel ruim!)
|
| [Notes by FZ] Scene changes to a pair of adjoining rooms al The Alladin Hotel in Las Vegas. The VIDEO CHRISTIAN AUDIENCE exits.
|
| In one room, QUENTIN ROBERT DE NAMELAND strips to his boxer shorts and fondles a rubber “love doll” dressed as a waitress.
|
| In the adjoining room, OPAL ▶ drinks from a bottle of Jack Daniel’s while preparing to administer an enema to a recently captured bell-boy, already mounted in a torture rack (profile view) with his pants down.
|
|
|
| [Thing-Fish] Thass right, folks! We talkin’ de hypocritical Jeezis-jerknuh parodise dey call “LAS VAGRUS NEVADRUH”!
|
| QUENTIN done booked in fo’ some clandestine recreatium wit a semi-deflateable “woman of easy virtue”… (since dat be ‘bouts de onliest kinda bitch be able to tolerate de muthafucker’s hair spray!)
|
| Bein’ jes’ like most de other nasty cock-suckers in de video-religium industry, Quentin know a good thing when he see one, an dis ugly rubber waitress look to him like a dream come true… ‘specially since his TV WIFE, OPAL, be in de next room drinkin’ Jack Daniel’s an’ puttin’ de hurts on some ignint bell-boy.
|
|
|
| [Instrumental]
|
|
|
| ‘Ventchlly when all de plookin’ an’ thrashin’ be done wif, de BELL-BOY (who turn out to be de illejiminit son o’ de video preacher) gwine take a JOB at a gas stadium ▶ in New Jersey… an’ de blow-up dolly gwine COME TO LIFE and fall in love wit de junior wimp who’s gettin’ ready to appear over in de corner deahhh.
|
| HARRY-AS-A-BOY appears at the left and walks to center stage in a lonely spotlight while QUENTIN and OPAL continue their business.
|
|
|
| [Thing-Fish] Les’ meet de lil’ cock-sucker now, while he’s still young… ‘cause, ‘fo y’all knows it, he be reachin’ adulthood and marry some bitch name RHONDA… an’, by dat time, he gwine become what dey call an OVER-EDUCATED SHIT-HEAD!
|
| [Rhonda] HARRY! HARRY, is that YOU as a BOY?
|
| [Harry] Why, it MUST be! He’s so charming and sweet and likeable!
|
| [Thing-Fish] HARRY-AS-A-BOY, c’mon over an’ say a few words to de nice peoples!
|
| [Harry-As-A-Boy] Hi, folks! Nice to be here!
|
| [Thing-Fish] I’s sure dere be lotsa folks like to know what yo’ plans are… how y’intend to be gwine about dis uncredibly serious bidniss o’ GROWIN’ UP IN ERMERICA!
|
| [Harry-As-A-Boy] Well, I plan on making a few mistakes, having my heart broken and so forth, using all kinds of drugs and turning gay as soon as possible in order to accelerate my rise to the “top of the heap”
|
| [Thing-Fish] Ahh! Tremenjous, HARRY-AS-A-BOY, simply tre-MENJOUS! You practicin’ up fo’ it wit anybody in po-ticlar now?
|
| [Harry-As-A-Boy] I can’t afford to study with anyone yet, since the bulk of my allowance goes for glue ▶ and Grateful Dead tickets ▶, but soon I hope to be on my knees in a REAL HOMO BATH HOUSE… maybe when my folks go on vacation
|
| [Thing-Fish] Ain’t you de clever one! Tell us, HARRY-AS-A-BOY, howdja recide upon dis heah life-style bein’ DE ONE FO’ YOU?
|
| [Harry-As-A-Boy] It was pretty simple, really. I lost all desire for intercourse with females when they started carrying those briefcases and wearing suits an’ ties.
|
| [Rhonda] WHAT?
|
| [Harry-As-A-Boy] Let’s face it: that would be like fucking a slightly more voluptuous version of somebody’s father! An’ I’m far too sensitive for such a traumatic experience!
|
| [Thing-Fish] You means de WOMENS’ LIBROMATION MOVENINT done created de uncontrollable urgement to play dingle-dangle-dingle wit de personal requipment of yo’ own gender?
|
| [Harry-As-A-Boy] To a degree… I mean… look, I’m not stupid! I know it’s all a thoroughly workable government-sponsored program to control the population explosion and, just like every other AMERICAN, I’m too concerned with MY OWN personal health and well-being to think of devoting any of MY precious time to something as BORING as “REPRODUCTION”!
|
|
|
| [Rhonda] HARRY, I used to think you were merely an OVER-EDUCATED SHIT-HEAD, but now that I finally have proof, it’s going to give me GREAT PLEASURE to refer to you as an OVER-EDUCATED COCK-SUCKER!
|
| [Harry] Well, to be honest with you, dearest, I sort of…
|
| [Rhonda] Where’s the fairies on a string, HARRY? Huh? Riddle me this!
|
|
|
| [Thing-Fish] Easy there, white folks! I told y’all’d be gettin’ yo’ fairies after while, an’ y’know dat sort o’ thing take a little time to woik up to in yo’ BROADWAY SITCHYATIUM! MAMMYS step faw’d an’ hep de lil’ cock-sucker out!
|
| [Notes by FZ] The MAMMIES, now semi-disguised in bits of “VILLAGE PEOPLE” costumery, attach a flying harness to HARRY-AS-A-BOY. As he is hoisted aloft, BROWN MOSES (looking suspiciously like the guy on the front of the Uncle Ben’s rice box) makes his entrance.
|
|
| Unnoticed by the crowd, he comments on the situation while HARRY-AS-A-BOY whizzes by overhead.
|
|
|
| [Ensemble, singing] He’s so gay
|
| He’s so gay
|
| He’s very, very gay
|
| Yeah
|
| He’s so gay
|
| He’s gay
|
[Brown Moses] Yes, he is
|
I guess he likes it
|
Yeah
|
| [Ensemble] And he likes to be that way
|
| MOO-AHHH
|
| With his keys on the right
|
[Brown Moses] Uh-huh
|
| [Ensemble] He’s into rubber every night
|
[Brown Moses] Into… into rubber?
|
Wha— the boy’s into rubber every night!
|
|
|
| [Ensemble] He’s so gay
|
| He’s so gay
|
[Brown Moses] Oh, my goodness
|
Whoo…
|
| [Ensemble] He’s ALMOST EVERYONE TODAY
|
| He’s OK
|
| He’s OK
|
[Brown Moses] Yeah, that’s what they say
|
| [Ensemble] He’s got a role he wants to play
|
[Brown Moses] Aww… look, have you ever SMELLED rubber?
|
|
|
| [Ensemble] He’s OK
|
| He’s OK
|
[Brown Moses] I guess it’s OK, l-look at his woman, yeah…
|
I-I guess it’s all right
|
| [Ensemble] He’s just a cowboy for a day
|
[Brown Moses] Mm-hmm
|
| [Ensemble] Of course, his evening’s not complete
|
[Brown Moses] Uh-huh
|
| [Ensemble] Without some meat in the seat
|
[Brown Moses] Don’t tell me that
|
| [Ensemble] Let’s skate away
|
| Down Santa Monica today
|
| Well well well
|
|
|
| Maybe he wants a little spanking
|
[Brown Moses] Uh… a spanking?
|
| [Ensemble] Maybe he’ll eat a little chain
|
[Brown Moses] Uh… well, eat the chain
|
| [Ensemble] Maybe his lover should be thanking him
|
[Brown Moses] Uh-huh
|
| [Ensemble] For the way he makes it sprinkle
|
[Brown Moses] Wait a minute…
|
Wh—
|
| [Ensemble] Into drops of GOLDEN RAIN
|
| MOO-AHHH
|
| MOO-AHHH
|
| MOO-AHHH
|
[Brown Moses] M— makin’ into rai—?
|
Oh no!
|
What is the problem?
|
Uh-oh
|
| [Ensemble] UHH-OHH
|
|
|
| He’s so gay
|
| He’s so gay
|
[Brown Moses] Yeah, that’s what it is
|
| [Ensemble] He rules the city in a way
|
[Brown Moses] Oh boy…
|
| [Ensemble] You could say
|
| You could say
|
[Brown Moses] Wha— what could ya say?
|
| [Ensemble] It’s sorta different today
|
[Brown Moses] I agree
|
| [Ensemble] All the taffeta and chintz
|
[Brown Moses] Uh… ‘least the boy ain’t gonna reproduce hisself again
|
| [Ensemble] And every Leather Boy’s a PRINCE
|
[Brown Moses] Uh-huh
|
| [Ensemble] Hey hey hey!
|
[Brown Moses] Hey hey hey
|
| [Ensemble] Please don’t look the other way
|
|
|
| You could be just like him TOMORROW!
|
[Brown Moses] Hoooo, that’s shockin’!
|
| [Ensemble] Mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah
|
[Brown Moses] Mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah
|
| Ooof!
|
| [Ensemble] Maybe you’ll get a chance to borrow
|
[Brown Moses] I’m telling ya
|
| [Ensemble] Borrow
|
[Brown Moses] What I’m a borrow?
|
| [Ensemble] His bouquet
|
[Brown Moses] No way!
|
| [Ensemble] And maybe later…
|
[Brown Moses] Don’t you tell me this
|
| [Ensemble] MAYBE LATER…
|
[Brown Moses] I said don’t you tell me this!
|
| [Ensemble] We’ll ALL BE GAY-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y!
|
[Brown Moses] No! No! No!
|
Oh, gay…
|
|
|
| [Ensemble] ✄ DO YOU REALLY WANNA HURT ME?
|
[Brown Moses] You just did!
|
| [FZ] MOO-AHHH!
|
| [Notes by FZ] As he is lowered to the stage and disconnected from the harness, QUENTIN’s rubber “waitress” (who has appeared during the number, AEROBICISING to the disco beat, partially deflating), approaches HARRY-AS-A-BOY, enticing him with her ever-open mouth and neat plastic hair. The MAMMIES remove their disguises. BROWN MOSES takes a drink from his wine bottle and exits.
|
|
|
| [Thing-Fish, to the rubber girl] Hmmm! Dat quite a massive improve’lence, dahlin’! Jes’ a few moments ago you was well on yo’ way to bein’ severely ugly! Now, thoo de magik o’ stagekraff ▶, de blubulence of yo’ blobulence ▶ done reciprocated to a respectumal reclusium! Yow! SCIENCE!
|
| She attempts to caress HARRY-AS-A-BOY.
|
|
|
| [Thing-Fish, to Harry and Rhonda] Ef y’all don’t minds me sayin’ so, I b’lieves it’s ‘bout time fo’ yo’ pathetical miniaturized replicas to FALL IN LOVE! After all… dis lil’ sucker already been fulla glue, homo-sectional extrusiums, an’ ARMY FOOD… nothin’ left fo’ him to do, ‘cept get catched by dis lil’ stinker over heahhh! ‘Membuh, we’s on BROADWAY! Muthafucker be buyin’ dem tickets wants a lil’ HEART, a lil’ SOUL… an’ some TITTY TOO, ef dey can git it, so, les’ get y’all in positium heah, an’ get dis silly business over wit! Y’all’s takin’ too goddam long to GROW UP IN ERMERICA!
|
| [Harry-As-A-Boy] I suppose you’re right, MR. THING-FISH, but you’ll have to admit… this is a rather awkward situation!
|
| [Harry] That’s right! Stagecraft is one thing, but this is ridiculous! Where did that stimulating little replica come from anyway?
|
| [Rhonda] That’s a GOOD QUESTION, HARRY! Don’t let him wiggle out of it! Hound him mercifullessly until you receive a suitable answer!
|
| [Harry] Now, just hold yourself in abeyance, RHONDA! I’ll handle this! Look here, “Mr. POTATO-HEAD”, what’s the meaning of all this? Do you realize what you’re asking my REPLICA to do? Do you expect him to literally FALL IN LOVE in front of all these people… with that artificial RHONDA over there?
|
| [Thing-Fish] Whoa, do de Pope shit in de woods?
|
| [Harry] Now, just hold on there, buddy! Let’s be serious! The toilet training of exalted religious personalities is not our primary topic of discussion!
|
| [Rhonda] HARRY, that’s wonderful! The way you’re just rearing up on your hind legs like that! That’s terrific! So what, if you suck a little cock every once in a while! That’s TERRIFIC!
|
| [Thing-Fish, to Harry] Look heuhhh, sweetheart, they’s somethin’ fishy gwine on… all I’s wantin’ to do is get de romantic in’trust out de way so we can git back to de EVIL PRINCE, an’ see what de fuck we gone do ‘bouts HIM! De way you’s givin’ me de lip, lead me to infer a subterior motivatium!
|
| [Harry, singing] I WANT A NUN!
|
| I WANT A NUN!
|
| I WANT A BURRO
|
| IN THE FROSTY LIGHT!
|
| [Thing-Fish] You want a NUN? De boy want a NUN? What de fuck kinda NUN you want?
|
| [Harry, singing] I CAN’T SEEM TO MAKE UP MY MIND!
|
| SOMETHING ABOUT MAMMYS SEEMS SO SUBLIME…
|
| THAT’S THE BROADWAY WORD USED WHEN THEY RHYME
|
| A SONG ABOUT LOVE!
|
| [Thing-Fish] But, on BROADWAY, it’s a NEW DAY! Ain’tcha hoid? Yo’ unrequired desirin’s be mo’ suited to de ZOMBY-FOLK up in de EVIL PRINCE’s lab-mo-to-rium!
|
| [Harry, whimpering] Don’t make fun of me… PLEASE! I know I’m not the most desirable kind of fellow a MAMMY NUN could choose for intimate companionship but… but… gosh-darn-it, I’d TRY… I’d really TRY to make you HAPPY!
|
| [Rhonda] Harry… you are… a worm… a disgusting WORM! YOU WORMMMMMM! You are nothing but a WORMMMMMMMMMMMM!
|
| [Thing-Fish] Boy obviously got hisseff a provlum! Would y’all like to use my nakkin’ one mo’ time?
|
| [Harry] Oh YES! YES! Give me… your… how do you say it? “NAY’KIN”? Oh!
|
| [Harry-As-A-Boy] I think this is going too far, Mr. THING-FISH! I haven’t even had a chance to fall in love, or to grow to maturity yet! The ARTIFICIAL RHONDA is pining away for my wholesome companionship, just over there! This isn’t right! You’re letting everything get all out of sequence!
|
| [Thing-Fish] Whoa! I gots yo’ “SEQUENCE” hangin’, BOY! Get outs de way! Cain’t y’see dat de mizzable cock-sucker you ultimately gwine become done fell in love wit’ a MAMMY NUN? Awright, which one idit, sweetheart?
|
| [Harry] I… I… can’t seem to make up my mind… you’re all so… MASTERFUL! So SENSUOUS… you’re so INCREDIBLY TALENTED!
|
| [Rhonda] A wor-r-r-r-r-mmmmmmmmmm! You are a FUCKING WOR-R-R-R-R-R-R-MMMMMMMMM!
|
| [Thing-Fish] Makes up yo’ mind, dahlin’! We ain’t gots all night heahhh! Intromissium be comin’ up pritty quick! Folks be headin’ on out to de lobby fo’ dem MASH POTATOES we tole ‘em ‘bout earlier!
|
| [Harry-As-A-Boy] I insist on FALLING IN LOVE, right now, this very moment, and I don’t care what you do with HIM…
|
| [Thing-Fish] Go ‘head on den… go git yo’ deflateable bitch ovuh deah! Judgin’ fum all de fuss, you ain’t in much better shape den de large economy size been clutchin’ at my nakkin’! We gots a love song (jes’ yo’ type), bridgin’ de conceptiumal gap between what you IS, what you THINK you is, what WE think you is, what you is GONNA BE, an’ also what yo’ rubberized MADONNA be somewhat remindin’ me of!
|
| SISTER OB’DEWLLA ‘X’, gather de mo’ sensitive MAMMYS together fo’ harmonicizatiumal purposes, while de ones with de M.B.A.’s hit de lobby an’ sell some shit, ‘fo de customers over-run yo’ ass! Meanwhile, lil’ guy, go get yo’ rubber girl an’ esspress yo-seff!
|
| [Notes by FZ] HARRY-AS-A-BOY minces his way toward ARTIFICIAL RHONDA while the MAMMIES laugh up their sleeves.
|
|
|
| [Thing-Fish] Don’t look OB’DEWLLA! It’s too horrible! I b’lieve de muthafucker ‘bout to ask dat rubber girl to dance!
|
| [Harry-As-A-Boy] Hey, good-lookin’!
|
| [Thing-Fish] See! I told ya!
|
| [Harry-As-A-Boy] May I have this dance?
|
| [Thing-Fish] Muthafucker barf me right on outta here, AN’ gag me wit a spoon! ▶
|
|
|
| [Harry-As-A-Boy] What’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this? Do you come here often?
|
| [Thing-Fish] YOW!
|
|
|
| [Harry-As-A-Boy, singing] I got a girl with a little rubber head
|
| Rinse her out every night just before I go to bed
|
| She never talk back like a lady might do
|
| An’ she looks like she loves it every time I get through
|
|
|
| And her name is
|
| A-R-T-I
|
| F-I-C-I
|
| Cry
|
| A-L
|
| Don’t be shy
|
| ARTIFICIAL RHONDA with the plastic pie
|
|
|
| Her eyes is all shut in an ecstasy face
|
| I can cram it down her throat, people, any old place!
|
| Then I throw the little switch on her battery pack
|
| An’ I can poot it, I can shoot it till it makes her gack!
|
|
|
| And her name is
|
| A-R-T-I
|
| F-I-C-I
|
| Cry
|
| A-L
|
| Don’t be shy
|
| ARTIFICIAL RHONDA with the plastic pie
|
|
|
| [Ensemble] De boy got a girl wit’ a lil’ rubber haid
|
| Rinse her out evvy night, jes’ befo’ he go to bed
|
| He gonna grow up, an’ marry dat trash
|
| Wit a ugly rubber head, an’ a ‘flateable gash
|
|
|
| She jes’ de kinda girl dis sucker might need
|
| He’s a little bit dumb, peoples, yes indeed
|
| De boy wanna “RHONDA”, jeffo hisseff!
|
| She gonna take what he got ‘til nothin’ be lef’
|
| She gonna take what he got ‘til nothin’ be lef’
|
| She gonna take what he got ‘til nothin’ be lef’
|
| [Repeat]
|
| [Notes by FZ] We hear a slow dirge, over which the MAMMIES chant a twisted variation of the syllables being “sung” by a computer-generated voice. The curtain rises slowly. We are in the front yard of THE UNKNOWN ITALIAN in a middle class New Jersey neighborhood. It is Christmas. Snow is on the ground. Near the steps to his house we see an enormous nativity box featuring a manger stuffed with crab-grass. In it lies the ugly little infant supposedly producing the computerized vocal sounds. We recognize that it has ARTIFICIAL RHONDA’s face, and QUENTIN ROBERT DE NAMELAND’s enormous white video-religious Pompadour.
|
| Standing attentively on either side, we see HARRY-AS-A-BOY and the ARTIFICIAL RHONDA, wearing low-budget Christmas pageant “holy land robes”.
|
| FRANCESCO, (THE UNKNOWN ITALIAN) watches them through red plastic binoculars from his living room window.
|
|
|
| [Instrumental]
|
|
|
| [Crab-Grass Baby] Stroke me Pompadour, Pompaduooor, Pompaduooor, Pompaduooor. Stroke me Pompadour, father. Stroke it nicely while I tell you about the problems I am having with my car an’ my girlfriend. Ooo-woo-woo, the white man’s burden!
|
Her and her girlfriend used to go out and booze it up and tear up the upholstery; rip the seats completely out, and so I got a fifty-six Olds. About the time I got it running decently, she got in it and wrecked the trans… tore it completely up, so I had to get another Oldsmobile ▶
|
| (Either that or go to Tijuana or go to BROWN MOSES way down in Egypt-Land). It’s so hard on a child when his car is fucked up. Buy me a Volvo, faaather.
|
| [Harry-As-A-Boy] Isn’t it terrific, artificial RHONDA!
|
| [Crab-Grass Baby] One-Adam-Twelve… see the enormous white Pompadour! Ha-ha-ha-ho! That’s a good one! Hoo-hoo-hoo
|
| [Harry-As-A-Boy] He’s so young, and yet, so WISE!
|
| [Crab-Grass Baby] I pooped my pants, pooped my pants, pooped my pants! I went doody, faaather, sob-sob-sob-sob-sob.
|
| [Harry-As-A-Boy] His vocabulary is astonishing!
|
| [Crab-Grass Baby] So what, if you suck a little cock every once in a while? ▶
|
| [Harry-As-A-Boy] Ohhh… I’m so lucky to have a son like this…
|
| [Crab-Grass Baby] Barf me out… gag me with a Volvo! ▶
|
| [Harry-As-A-Boy] I can’t wait to show him to all the fellas down at the MINESHAFT!
|
| [Crab-Grass Baby] Take me to the movies. Buy me a balloon. Stroke me Pompadour!
|
| [Harry-As-A-Boy] Look! Look! Look at the pecker on him, wouldja! Goodjy-goodjy-goodjy-goo! Hoo hoo hoo!
|
|
|
| [Thing-Fish] Dis boy have a “PROVLEM”! However, how ‘bout a nice round of applause fo’ de three “WISE MAMMIES”, comin’ atcha outta chute numba five!
|
|
|
| [Ensemble, singing] De white boy troubles!
|
| White boy troubles!
|
| De white boy troubles!
|
| Boy got troubles!
|
| Oh what a boidennn!
|
| Ooh, heavy boidennn!
|
| His car’s fucked up!
|
| De boy got a provlem!
|
| She ripped up de ‘polstry ▶
|
| ✄ Wit de red dress on ▶
|
| Outta dat O-zo-mobile!
|
| Tell me ✄ what I say
|
| Hafta go to Tia-Juana now!
|
| ✄ Mattie told Hattie
|
| He should go to BROWN MOSES
|
| Way down in Egyppp-Lainnn!
|
| Egyppp-Lainnn
|
|
|
| [Thing-Fish, checking off a clipboard, like a social worker] Looks likes y’done pritty good heahh, HARRY-AS-A-BOY! I sees ya growin’ up like a weed, axmodently reproducin’ YO’SEFF an’ evvythang. Done found some low-rent housin’ in a one-dimensional cardbode nativity box on some Italian’s funt lawn… bunch o’ crab-grass underneath de offspring fo’ quick an’ easy sanitatium… shit! Y’all provvly be savin’ up fo’ yo’ first LAVA LAMP pritty soon!
|
| [Harry-As-A-Boy] We’re incredibly happy! Even though I’m gay for business purposes, my relationship with artificial RHONDA has blossomed into something really beautiful, although I must confess to being baffled by how she got knocked up.
|
| [Thing-Fish] Well, if de trufe be told, it were de father o’ de boy at de gas statium… when y’sent de ol’ lady in fo’ de inner-tube patchin’, ‘round de foth o’ July
|
| [Harry-As-A-Boy] QUENTIN? How could he be so unfaithful? I’m sure God has ways of punishing naughty little guys like that!
|
| [Thing-Fish] Mights well stop complainin’, boy! De damage been done! Leastways y’all can pretend to be SOME KINDA DADDY! Yo’ rubber bitch ain’t gwine change no diapers! Y’said y’all was incredibly happy! Enjoy it while y’got it, boy! De shit gwine hit de fan ▶ in a minute!
|
| [Harry-As-A-Boy] What? Something BAD is going to happen?
|
| [Thing-Fish] You figgit out… judgin’ fum de intellectional expressium on yo’ beloved’s ignint face, de bitch gwine be contemplatin’ A CAREER OF HER OWN! See dat?
|
| Look like she got her one good eye on a briefcase an’ a tweed spo’t coat down de mall somewheres!
|
| Durin’ de intromissium, few de SISTERS seen her ‘tendin’ a CONSCIOUSNESS RAISIN’ ▶ MEETIN’ over at de Hiltum! Thass right! Bitch passed up de MASH POTATOES an’ took off wit’ de high-school cafeteria butch.
|
| FRANCESCO opens the door, and stands on the porch, still watching through the binoculars.
|
|
|
| [Thing-Fish] Makin’ matters woise, de Italian dat be ownin’ yo’ nativity bungalow been wondrin’ ‘bouts de hanky AN’ de panky ‘tween you an’ dem two concrete flamingos ovuh by de steps! You been messin’ wit de state bird o’ New Jersey, muthafucker! Dat kin git you five to life in dis vicinity!
|
| If you wants a little frennly advice ▶, boy, I’d be growin’ my ass up a little quicker, an’ whizz on outta heahh!
|
| Leave de ugly baby in de crab-grass, snatch up yo’ wretched excuse fo’ a woman, an’ climb on up de heap! Get yo’seff a job drivin’ a truck fulla string-beans to Utah! ▶ Make sumfin’ out y’seff, so’s y’can afode a ticket to de MAMMY NUN SHOW! Den we can piss all ovuh de adulterated wimp you gwine become, an’ get de shit rollin’ agin!
|
| [Notes by FZ] The CRAB-GRASS BABY flies out on a string. The NATIVITY SCENE exits left. FRANCESCO’S bungalow exits right. This reveals a stage split in two, with one side being a perspectivized truck-stop diner and the other side a perspectivized highway with a perspectivized string bean truck, waiting for HARRY-AS-A-BOY to climb in.
|
| ARTIFICIAL RHONDA takes a job as a waitress at the diner (with an illuminated sign reading “HAWAIIAN LUNCH”). The former VIDEO CHRISTIANS are her customers. QUENTIN ROBERT DE NAMELAND appears, attempting to re-kindle the flames of love in her rubber heart.
|
|
|
| [Thing-Fish] Wooo! Looka-dat! A big ol’ truck an’ a box o’ NODOZ… an’ ovuh deah, a greazy ol’ dinuh, where yo’ rubber bitch kin reassume part-time employment in her former professium: slingin’ hash in de directium o’ de blue-collar community!
|
|
|
| [Ensemble] No not now
|
| [Thing-Fish] Yep! Hafta do it now!
|
| [Ensemble] No not now
|
| [Thing-Fish] Now’s a good a time as any!
|
| [Ensemble] No not now
|
| [Thing-Fish] Dis ERMERICA, boy!
|
| [Ensemble] No not now
|
| [Thing-Fish] ✄ I never promised you no Rose Garden!
|
| [Ensemble] Maybe later
|
| [Thing-Fish] Ain’t gone be no “LATER”!
|
| [Ensemble] Maybe later
|
| [Thing-Fish] You got a hard row to hoe!
|
|
|
| [Ensemble] She say: “I’m free”
|
| [Thing-Fish] She not exackly “FREE”!
|
| [Ensemble] She say: “I’m free”
|
| [Thing-Fish] Mo’ like “AVAILABLE FO’ A LIMITED TIME ONLY”…
|
| [Ensemble] She say: “I’m free”
|
| [Thing-Fish] Fo’ part-time industrial peruse-ment!
|
| [Ensemble] She say: “I’m free”
|
| [Thing-Fish] Look like ol’ Quentim come back to peruse her one mo’ time…
|
| [Ensemble] But I like her sister
|
| [Thing-Fish] Wanna “peruse” her sister, too…
|
| [Ensemble] But I like her sister
|
| [Thing-Fish] Dat what dem Gospel Folks dream ‘bouts doin’ in a dinuh!
|
|
|
| [Ensemble] She can’t decide
|
| [Thing-Fish] Now RHONDA can’t decide…
|
| [Ensemble] Whom she wanna ride
|
| [Thing-Fish] Ain’t been ridin’ no salami fum de wimp!
|
| [Ensemble] She can’t decide
|
| [Thing-Fish] I know she gwine be ridin’ sumphin’ pritty soon…
|
| [Ensemble] Whom she wanna ride
|
| [Thing-Fish] Ain’t gone be no “Hobby-Horse”, neat-o!
|
|
|
| [Ensemble] Tonight
|
| [Thing-Fish] She need it tonite!
|
| [Ensemble] Tonight
|
| [Thing-Fish] Any minnit now!
|
| [Ensemble] Tonight
|
| [Thing-Fish] She so hot, it makin’ her apron wrinkle, an’ smoke come pourin’ out de back o’ dat stupid paper hat!
|
|
|
| [Ensemble] She changed her mind
|
| [Thing-Fish] Her rubber mind…
|
| [Ensemble] She changed her mind
|
| [Thing-Fish] One o’ de greatest minds of our time! ▶
|
| [Ensemble] She changed her mind
|
| [Thing-Fish] De girl gots “talent”!
|
| [Ensemble] She changed her mind
|
| [Thing-Fish] An’ she “rinse-able”, too!
|
| [Ensemble] And I don’t blame her
|
| [Thing-Fish] I don’t blame her fo’ rinsin’ out what she had in dat mouf!
|
| [Ensemble] And I don’t blame her
|
| [Thing-Fish] But de bitch gotta earn a livin’!
|
|
|
| [Ensemble] No not now (No no not now)
|
| [Thing-Fish] Now when she NEEDS it!
|
| [Ensemble] No not now (No no not now)
|
| [Thing-Fish] De wimp jes’ mights fall asleep at de wheel!
|
| [Ensemble] No not now (No no not now)
|
| [Thing-Fish] Git himseff all mashed up…
|
| [Ensemble] No not now (No no not now)
|
| [Thing-Fish] An’ lookin’ like a pancake!
|
| [Ensemble] Maybe later
|
| [Thing-Fish] Thass right! It COULD happen later!
|
| [Ensemble] Maybe later
|
|
|
| [Thing-Fish] Dis de MAMMY NUN SHOW, folks! ANYTHING can happen! Shut up! You needs a vacatium, boy! You gots de “WHITE LINE FEVUM”! Coupla donuts an’ some cowboy music fix ya right up! Breaker-breaker! Git down wit de ‘come-back! Sleepy wimp seek lastin’ relationship wit anally-oriented ‘luminum sidin’ salesman!
|
|
|
| [Ensemble] The big ol’ hat
|
| [Thing-Fish] Wit a big ol’ hat!
|
| [Ensemble] The cowboy pants ▶
|
| [Thing-Fish] An’ some cowboy pants!
|
| [Ensemble] Trans-continental
|
| [Thing-Fish] Built like a trans-continentum…
|
| [Ensemble] Hobby-horse
|
| [Thing-Fish] Hobby-hobby hoss!
|
| [Ensemble] String beans to Utah
|
| [Thing-Fish] Thass right!
|
| [Ensemble] String beans to Utah
|
| [Thing-Fish] Tonight!
|
|
|
| [Ensemble] Ah, the wife!
|
| [Thing-Fish] Ah, the wife!
|
| [Ensemble] Oh, the waitress!
|
| [Thing-Fish] An’ de waitress too!
|
| [Ensemble] Oh, the drive
|
| [Thing-Fish] Oh, THE DRIVE!
|
| [Ensemble] All night long
|
| [Thing-Fish] All night long!
|
| [Ensemble] String beans to Utah
|
| [Thing-Fish] Yum yum!
|
| [Ensemble] String beans to Utah
|
|
|
| [Ensemble] Deliver string beans to Utah tonight
|
| [Thing-Fish] Giddy up!
|
| [Ensemble] I better go fast or they won’t be all right
|
| [Thing-Fish] All right!
|
| [Ensemble] Deliver string beans to Utah tonight
|
| [Thing-Fish] Yum yum!
|
| [Ensemble] Donny an’ Marie can both take a bite
|
| [Thing-Fish] Bite it, Marie!
|
| [Ensemble] Hawaiian! Hawaiian! Hawaiian lunch!
|
| [Thing-Fish] Hawaiian lunch!
|
|
|
| [Ensemble] No not now
|
| No no not now
|
| No not now
|
| No no no no not now
|
| No not now
|
| No no not now
|
| No not now
|
| No no no no not now
|
| Maybe later
|
| Maybe later
|
|
|
| She changed her mind
|
| She changed her mind
|
| She changed her mind
|
| You know she changed her mind
|
| She changed her mind
|
| She changed her mind
|
| She changed her mind
|
| You know she changed her mind
|
|
|
| And I don’t blame her
|
| And I don’t blame her
|
|
|
| She’s sorta wild
|
| She wild, she wild
|
| She’s sorta wild
|
| Really wild, really wild
|
| She’s sorta wild
|
| She wild, she wild
|
| A crazy child
|
| Crazy child, crazy child
|
|
|
| Tonight! Tonight! Tonight!
|
| A non-human inflatable duplicate ARTIFICIAL RHONDA is mounted on the mechanical bull in the corner (at max setting) by QUENTIN ROBERT DE NAMELAND.
|
|
|
| [Ensemble] There she goes
|
| [Thing-Fish] Ooooh! There she goes!
|
| [Ensemble] Up and down
|
| [Thing-Fish] Ooooh! Up and down!
|
| [Ensemble] Ride that bull
|
| [Thing-Fish] She’s ridin’ de bull!
|
| [Ensemble] All around
|
| [Thing-Fish] All around!
|
| [Ensemble] The best in town
|
| [Thing-Fish] She de best in town!
|
| [Ensemble] Oh, she goes
|
| [Thing-Fish] She go up, she go down!
|
| [Ensemble] Up and down
|
| [Thing-Fish] I said up an’ down!
|
| [Ensemble] Oh, that bull!
|
| [Thing-Fish] De whole bull!
|
| [Ensemble] The whole bull!
|
| [Thing-Fish] De whole bull!
|
| [Ensemble] The whole bull!
|
| [Thing-Fish] De whole damn thing!
|
| [Ensemble] The best in town
|
| The inflated duplicate is whisked upward, out of sight.
|
| [Notes by FZ] FRANCESCO’S bungalow and the nativity box re-appear. The manger is empty. THING-FISH and OB’DEWLLA lurk in the corner of the creche as it slides in. HARRY, in S&M submissive gear, is kneeling before them. RHONDA enters left, wrist to forehead, suffering magnificently, dressed in a Santa Claus costume.
|
| Under it she wears a rubberized body suit with pornographically exaggerated tits and ass, designed to look like the ARTIFICIAL RHONDA body, carried to its most alluring extreme, including a tasteful thatch of bright red Raggedy Ann yarn at the crotch.
|
|
|
| [Harry, to Thing-Fish] Anything you say, master! ▶ Take me, I’m yours! ▶
|
|
|
[Rhonda, Broadway-style fake singing] ✄ Jingle bells, jingle bells
|
Jingle all the way!
|
Oh, what fun it is to ride to Chicago ▶ every day, oh…
|
|
|
| [Thing-Fish] Oooh, lawd! Lookit you, boy! Chain thoo de nipples an’ evvy goddam thing! You a sick white muthafucker, ain’tcha?
|
|
|
[Rhonda] Bells on bobtail ring making spirits bright!
|
Oh, what fun it is to ride to Chicago every night, oh…
|
|
|
| [Harry] For Chrissake, RHONDA! Have you no SHAME?
|
| [Thing-Fish] Y’all make up y’mind yet, ‘bouts de MAMMY o’ yo’ dreams?
|
| [Harry] You bet! I’ve waited ALL MY LIFE for this moment! My heart is fluttering! If only I could submit myself on approval, for a limited time only to… to that nasty little rubber MAMMY on your knee…
|
| [Thing-Fish] SISTER OB’DEWLLA ‘X’? De mys’try SISTER? Y’all wants t’party hearty with de min’yature rubber MAMMY wit de string out de back? Yow! Dintcha get ‘nuff ‘buse fum de other bitch when y’was livin’ in de card-bo’d hut?
|
| [Rhonda] HARRY… HARRY… Hey! HARRY! Fucking Wor-R-R-mmmmmmmmmm! I want a DIVORCE, HARRY!
|
| [Harry] Not now, dearest, PLEASE! This is serious! Little MAMMY, what’ll it be? Hips or lips?
|
| HARRY snatches SISTER OB’DEWLLA ‘X’ away from THING-FISH, bashing himself with it in an irrational manner.
|
| RHONDA unzips the Santa Claus costume, revealing the rubber body suit, hoping for some sign of interest from her deranged husband. There isn’t any… he’s beating the fuck out of himself and loving every minute of it.
|
| She squeezes her rubber tits, as if to squirt them at him. Still no interest.
|
|
|
| [Rhonda] You’re a wor-r-r-r-mmmmmmm! A fucking WOR-R-R-R-M-M-M-M-MMMMMMMMMMM! These are my TITS, HARRY! I have TITS! Look! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT MY WONDERFUL TITS, YOU FUCKING WOR-R-R-R-R-MMMMMMMM! I’m going to pretend I’m SQUIRTING THEM ON YOU! Whoo! Wheeeee! ALMOST GOTCHA!
|
| [Harry] Not now, RHONDA! Ow! Oof! Oh, I love this! Hurt me! Hurt me! Oh, pull my chain, you tiny potato-headed whatchamacallit! ▶
|
| [Rhonda] They’re almost squirting, HARRY! Look! Look! Whoooooo! Whooooo! Whoooo! You fucking worm!
|
| [Thing-Fish] OB’DEWLLA! IS Y’AWRIGHT? Don’t be pullin’ de boy’s chain too hard dere! He gots ‘nuthuh show t’do t’morrow! Don’t put dat in yo’ MOUF, girl! I knows y’cain hep y’seff wit dat crazy muthafucker ‘BUSIN’ you like dat, but jes’ hang on a lil’ longuh… he be droppin’ de wad pritty soon now!
|
[Rhonda, pinching her nipples, jiggling her tits] Jingle bells, jingle bells…
|
| [Harry] Oh! This is divine!
|
| [Rhonda] This is my PUSSY, HARRY! Look! See it? You know what I’m gonna do with it, you worm? I’m gonna make it FUCK SOMETHING! That’s right! You won’t get any of it… because you’re DISGUSTING! An’ I don’t need you, MR. FIRST NIGHTER! My wonderful, wonderful pussy doesn’t need you! I have my BRIEFCASE, HARRY! I’m going to FUCK MY BRIEFCASE! I’m going to… Look! Look at this! I got it right over here! There! See it? My BIG, BROWN, BRIEFCASE! MY BRIEFCASE! It’s BIG, HARRY! It’s full of BUSINESS PAPERS… from MY CAREER!
|
| A tan and brown briefcase, seven feet tall, is lowered in. FRANCESCO watches it land near his window. He exits the bungalow with a can of Crisco and a violin case. In pantomime, he cautiously interrupts RHONDA’S monologue, suggesting that she examine the contents of the case.
|
| It contains a strap-on dildo of such ridiculous proportions that a chain leading from just behind the head of it must be hooked to a leather dog collar around RHONDA’S neck, in order to hold it up. FRANCESCO recommends the Crisco as a lubricant, daubs on a bit with a miniature doll’s foot, finally indicating that she conceal her pubic hair with a cardboard box, in the manner preferred by famous singing Christians.
|
| RHONDA reaches inside the briefcase and locates her “SPECIAL ATOMIC GLASSES” (with tiny doll arms reaching out through tiny cardboard boxes), and puts them on.
|
| She reaches in again and finds an artificial hamburger with a red ribbon on it. She mounts it on top of her head, tying the ribbon in a neat bow below her chin. Ready at last, she humps the briefcase vigorously.
|
|
|
| [Rhonda] I’m gonna put my GLASSES ON, HARRY! I’m gonna put my hair up in a BUN! Then, I’m going FUCK FUCK FUCK! Ha-ha-ha-hahhhh! Look! See me? See how I got my hair up? Whooo! I’m REALLY DOING IT! Unngh! Unngh!
|
| [Harry] RHONDA… have you no SHAME! Keep the briefcase closed, for Chrissake! All your documents are falling out!
|
| [Rhonda, as oversized file folders emerge] Unngh! I’m GOOD! Oh God I’m good! Harder! Faster! Unngh! UNNGH! This is TERRIFIC! Boy, I need it so bad…
|
| [Harry] Those are the Warner Brothers files, aren’t they, dear? Don’t you think there’ll be some questions about the condition of the blue paper?
|
| [Thing-Fish] Girl! Bes’ be careful wit de latch!
|
| [Rhonda, with the handle in her mouth, semi-intelligible] I’m sucking the handle now, HARRY! Look! Mmmmmm! It tastes GOOD!
|
| Mmmmmm! Mmmmmm! The handle! The handle!
|
| [Harry] Hurt me, OB’DEWLLA! Make me whimper and beg for your tiny rubber love!
|
| After nibbling on it as if it were a giant piece of corn-on-the-cob, THING-FISH hands RHONDA an oversized pink fountain pen with her name on the clip.
|
|
|
| [Rhonda] I’ve got a fountain pen, HARRY! I’ve got a fountain pen with MY INITIALS on it! I’m putting it in my mouth, HARRY! I’m gonna get it wet! I’m gonna stuff it up my asshole and ride the briefcase again, you disgusting perverted bastard worm! I’m gonna do it! Look, HARRY! Whooo! Unngh! Unngh! God-damit, HARRY! Watch me! This is for your own good!
|
| [Notes by FZ] With the entire cast in a frozen tableau, in shuffles BROWN MOSES, clutching the CRAB-GRASS BABY.
|
|
|
| [Brown Moses, singing] Oh-oh! Wait a minute!
|
| What?
|
|
|
| What wickedness id dis?
|
| De way you’s carryin’ on!
|
| Dis pygmy I be clutchin’
|
| Have been lef’ out on de lawn!
|
|
|
| De daddy were ne-GLIJ-ible
|
| De mama were de-FLATE-able
|
| De trauma to de imfunt
|
| Be mostly not ne-GATE-able
|
|
|
| Yo’ urgin’ to be exitin’
|
| Because of dem fla-min-i-go’s
|
| Be thoroughly perplexin’ him
|
| Because of where yo’ Petuh ▶ goes
|
|
|
| If only you been ‘siderate
|
| Erbout dis lil’ illiterate
|
| I wouldna been trudgin’ cross de san’ ▶
|
| Fum way down yonder in E-gyp-lan’
|
|
|
| Dey callin’ me “BROWN MOSES”
|
| Fo’ dat id sho’ly what I am
|
| Ancient an’ re-lij-er-mus
|
| Solemn an’ pres-tig-i-mus
|
|
|
| Wisdom reekin’ outta me
|
| ‘Long wif summa dis baby pee
|
| ‘Minds me of dem river weeds
|
| An’ all dem ignint Bible deeds
|
|
|
| Growed up in de Pharoah place
|
| Lef’ de sucker in disgrace!
|
| Some dem boys refuse to loin
|
| Somethin’ smokin’, somethin’ boin!
|
|
|
| Somethin’ borry, somethin’ blue!
|
| Best keeps a lil’ paper in yo’ shoe!
|
| Hear me when I’s tellin’ you:
|
| “Leavin’ de midgit were WRONG T’DO!”
|
|
|
| It’s a terr’ble thang, done did to him
|
| Left wit de crab-grass over his chin!
|
|
|
| Sho’ly one day he will grow
|
| An’ put some shit in yo’ ✄ sack o’ woe
|
|
|
| Ol’ BROWN MOSES now have spoke!
|
| Could ya lends me ‘bout a dollar? I’s a tiny bit broke
|
|
|
| ✄ I likes my wine, I loves my gin
|
| An’ fo’ a lil’ collateral I’ll gives ya HIM!
|
| A lil’ collateral I’ll gives ya HIM!
|
| A lil’ collateral I’ll gives ya HIM!
|
| I said a lil’ collateral
|
| A lil’ collateral
|
| A lil’ collateral
|
| A lil’ collateral
|
| A lil’ collateral
|
| I’ll gives ya HIM
|
| I’ll gives ya HIM
|
| Take a Pompadour, baby
|
| [Notes by FZ] As THING-FISH examines SISTER OB’DEWLLA ‘X’ for damage, BROWN MOSES begs for a hand-out. He accommodates him, tucking little OB’DEWLLA under one arm, rummaging around in his habit for a few bucks. BROWN MOSES hands him THE CRAB-GRASS BABY for security, thanks him, and exits left.
|
| The EVIL PRINCE and his BROADWAY ZOMBIES appear again. As a result of his previous raw chitlin’ ingestion, he and the rest are showing obvious signs of MAMMY NUN nakkin-sproutulence. Making matters worse, his voice has changed, and now he sings like HARRY and talks like THING-FISH.
|
|
|
| [Evil Prince, mammified fake-Broadway singing] What is happenin’ to me
|
| An’ also to de ol’ zom-BIE I used tum know?
|
|
|
| Of c’ose dey once was so spectaculuhhh!
|
| Now we be talkin’ de vernaculuhhh!
|
| Dis a strange kind o’ reactium to de pig we et befo’!
|
|
|
| I’s immune to de re-ZEASE
|
| I s’pose fum suckin’ up de greeze
|
| Fum de DUO-DEENUM dribblin’s outta de pig befo’!
|
|
|
| I can laugh an’ rub my chin
|
| When my re-ZEASE come rollin’ in
|
| It’s jes’ like catchin’ a second win’! I feel so gay-y-y-y-y-y!
|
|
|
| Some mights refer to me as SCUM
|
| ‘Cause where dey all be comin’ from
|
| (When de GALOOT CO-LOG-NUH ✄ rushin’ down de plain)
|
| Is underneef some ragg’dy dirt
|
| In de suburbean outskirt
|
| Of ol’ Manhattin’ traffick pattin’ near de GAY WHITE WAY!
|
|
|
| I gets clammy, sayin’ “MAMMY”
|
| I gets chills all up my spine!
|
| I gets wistful
|
| Wit a fistful
|
| Of ve-ne-she-um bline!
|
|
|
| Jes’ like tuggin’ on de heart-strings!
|
| Jes’ like dem lil’ ol’ fallin’ apart things
|
| Jes’ like whatevuh dat is rotten
|
| We has sho’ly not fo-gotten
|
| HOW TO PRETEND TO SING!
|
|
|
| Now, deys hope we ain’t gwine die
|
| Only de suckers forced t’buy
|
| Dem ‘spensive tickets we be sellin’ at de do’!
|
|
|
| Now we got BROADWAY ZOMBIE MAMMYS!
|
| We gots an’ UGLY, UGLY O’PHAN ANNIE!
|
| An’ de traditium will go on, an’ on, an’ on
|
|
|
| I loves t’see de… see de ZOMBIE fly! Yessir!
|
| It sorta makes me… makes ya wanna cry!
|
| ‘Cause we is BROADWAY!
|
| We’s EXPENSIVE!
|
| An’ we can’t…
|
| I said we CAN’T…
|
| CAN’T NEVER DIE!
|
| CAN’T… NEVER DIE-E-E-E-E-E-E-E!
|
| Yessir!
|
|
|
| You’re too kind!
|
| [Harry] JESUS, that was terrific! I’ve never experienced anything quite like that in a theater before! How ‘bout you, RHONDA?
|
| [Rhonda] You’re a worm, HARRY. Drop dead. God, you’re disgusting! Don’t touch me! YUCK! What is this scum on your chest? Did that little rubber MAMMY “do something” on you?
|
| [Thing-Fish, alarmed] OB’DEWLLA! You lil’ vagrant! What you been up to wit de chump over deahh? Lemme see yo’ draw’s! Uh-HUHHHH! Jes’ couldn’t hep y’seff, could ya! Phew! You best be washin’ dat thang off, dahlin’! I knows we’s s’posed ta be un-DESTRUCTABLE, but what you got ripenin’ down dere be puttin’ us all to DE TEST! Yow!
|
| The EVIL PRINCE tap-dances over to THING-FISH, HARRY and RHONDA.
|
|
|
| [Evil Prince, fake Broadway singing] Pers’nally, dahlin’
|
| I found de pre-formnence
|
| Wit de brief-case
|
| To be un-creedably stim-u-lat-nin’!
|
|
|
| [Rhonda] Eat shit, you overbearing male chauvinist member of the scientific community!
|
| [Thing-Fish] What a sweet lil’ hunk o’ heaven she growed up to be! When she were deflateable, she dint say nothin’… jes’ kept her face open like dis… waitin’ fo’ de salami dat never ‘rived! Now she fuckin’ de briefcase, dumpin’ de paper all over de flo’, hair up in a ugly ol’ bun, fountain pen danglin’ out her asshole, an’ talkin’ dirty to a member o’ de ROYAL FAM’LY!
|
| Girl! Dis cock-sucker mights be EVIL, but he AM a PRINCE! Now he be talkin’ de vernakluh, I’s findin’ it consid’rubly mo’ cornvemient to indemnify wit his point-o-view!
|
| [Evil Prince] Sho’ ‘nuff! Umm-hmm! Yeah! You a WISE ol’ MAMMY! Where you fum, ‘rijnlyy?
|
| [Thing-Fish] Why… uh… SAINT LOOMIS!
|
| [Evil Prince] Goddam! I knew it! I knew it! I could jes’ make it out from yo’ renunciation! Sho’ get hot down deahh in de summer time!
|
| [Thing-Fish] DAT no lie… people be croakin’ all over de fuckin’ place! I sees y’all like dat sort o’ thang… jedgin’ fum yo’ wa’d-robe, y’all be WELL INTO death an’ pestilence an’ shit! Prob’ly got yo-seff quite some ‘spensive educashnin’ goin’ fo’ ya!
|
| [Evil Prince] Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Heh-heh! Saint Loomis! Damn! Some of de ZOMBY-FOLK up de lab-mo-tory got kin deah!
|
| [Thing-Fish] Naw! Really? Cain’t be!
|
| [Evil Prince] Oh, hell, yeah! De ugly dead muthafucker on de string deahh… he related to a buncha other ugly dead muthafuckers fum de East Side… an’ de curly-headed sho’t lil’ ugly dead muthafucker wit de dead dog been fuckin’ de police commissioner!
|
| [Thing-Fish] How you know so much ‘bouts what gwine on down deahh, you EVIL COCK-SUCKER! Y’all been stayin’ quite well un-formed fum bein’ in de lab-mo-tory most yo’ time!
|
| [Evil Prince] Jes’ might distress yo’ ass to loin dat on de way home fum de SANN QUETIM ‘tater mashin’ ‘speriment, me an’ de country-westin muzishnins drop by de college to receive an honorary degree!
|
| [Thing-Fish] You lyin’, boy! Dey givin’ degrees in “‘TATER HUSBANDRY” back de ol’ Alma-Motta!
|
| [Evil Prince] Dat ALL dey givin’ any mo’! Muthafuckin’ “‘TATER HUSBANDRY” be de wave o’ de futchum in Saint Loomis! Graduatin’ class were over 700, an’ evvy one of ‘em dealin’ wit dem ‘taters like de shrimp-murderers down at Benny-Hanny’s!
|
| [Thing-Fish, looking down at Ob’dewlla] What? Huh? You wanna WHAT? OB’DEWLLA, de PRINCE jes’ be shootin’ de hometown shit heahh! He ain’t gwine give us no mo’ provlem! What you mean, girl? OK, OK! Go ‘head an’ fuck de lil’ CRAB-GRASS BABY wit de enormous white Pompadour! Go on deah. Git down wit yo’ nasty lil’ ol’ degenerate seff!
|
| THING-FISH puts the CRAB-GRASS BABY on the floor and positions OB’DEWLLA over it.
|
|
| He places his foot on OB’DEWLLA’s back and pumps both of them up and down. As the computer-speech drones on, THING-FISH watches the spectacle, commenting…
|
|
|
| [Crab-Grass Baby] One-Adam-Twelve, see the Mammy, take me to the movies, buy me a balloon
|
| [Thing-Fish] ✄ Twist an’ shout! Work it on out (an’ in)! Hmmm! Get down!
|
|
|
| [Thing-Fish] Go on! Give him a little shoe! Dat’s what Denny be doin’… work on Jumbo evvy time! ▶ Go on! Get de lil’ Pompadour up in de air agin! I like dat part!
|
| [Crab-Grass Baby] Stroke me Pompadour. That’s better, I feel better now.
|
| [Thing-Fish] Hmmm! Jes’ like de Olympics!
|
|
|
| [Harry] It’s… It’s fascinating the way things are resolving themselves around here! I… I never would have suspected anything like this when we came in!
|
| [Rhonda, climbing out the rubber body-suit] Where are your real clothes, HARRY? Are you going back to Long Island like that?
|
| [Harry] I have nothing to be ashamed of! I have a LOVELY body. Everyone will understand! I’ve ACCOMPLISHED something tonight! I really believe that! I’ve found a sort of fulfilment other men only DREAM about!
|
| [Rhonda, naked, re-stuffing the briefcase] You’ve accomplished NOTHING! NOTHING AT ALL! You’re a MERE WORM… less than that… you’re a USELESS ALL-AMERICAN “MAN-WORM”! The most disgusting creature on the face of the Earth. Phooey on you! Worms like you would be NOTHING without ME and MY KIND! WE are THE FUTURE, HARRY! Not you! WE don’t need YOU and YOUR KIND, because OUR KIND is THE BEST KIND!
|
| MAN-KIND is SHIT, HARRY! OUR KIND will get rid of YOUR KIND, just like wiping off this fountain pen, HARRY! Smell it quick, you submissive little cock-sucker, ‘cause I’m wiping it off… any minute now!
|
| THIS IS SYMBOLISM, HARRY! Really DEEP, INTENSE, THOUGHT-PROVOKING BROADWAY SYMBOLISM! THIS ISN’T “DREAM GIRLS”, Harry! This is the way it REALLY IS… I’m talking to you, HARRY! WE HATE YOU! WE are MODERN, HARRY! You are not “MODERN”! Worms are not MODERN!
|
| While YOU became LAWYERS and ACCOUNTANTS, and read PLAYBOY and bought a pipe ▶, WE PLANNED and DREAMED and FUCKED OUR BRIEFCASES while you weren’t looking! Yes, HARRY! That’s right! And we’ve actually been able to REPRODUCE OURSELVES THAT WAY… for YEARS, HARRY, but you never KNEW! Did you? You, worm.
|
| We had SPECIAL ATOMIC GLASSES made… by WOMEN OPTOMETRISTS who promised NEVER TO TELL!
|
| We learned how to hide SECRET STUFF, wrapped up in the middle of those severe terminal BUNS we wear! Little TRANSMITTERS, HARRY! Little RECEIVERS! Oh… don’t pretend to be surprised, Harry! We even had ROOM LEFT OVER in there for all of our most favorite little embroidered delicate secretly feminine child-like helpless pathetic sentimental totally useless PERSONAL “GIRL-THINGS” that smell like the stuff they put in the toilet paper.
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| You played GOLF! You watched FOOTBALL! You drank BEER! We EVOLVED! We only look like Wandas ▶ and Rhondas! We are SUPERB, HARRY! We are SUBLIME! We are perfect in EVERY WAY! And you? What are you? You are the all-American cock-sucker… jizzing all over your leather cock-sucker costume after beating the SNOT out of yourself with a rubber MAMMY!
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| I simply can’t respect you, HARRY! You are NO GOOD. Go ahead! Smell the pen! Go on… I’m wiping it HARRY… there you go…
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| [Notes by FZ] During this, the lights have dimmed, leaving RHONDA in a spotlight. HARRY crawls into the spotlight circle and assumes the traditional pose of the RCA dog, begging to sniff the pen.
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| RHONDA moves it higher and higher, torturing him. His nose finally reaches it. FRANCESCO stands nearby, fetishing OB’DEWLLA.
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| The track for “WON TON ON” (“NO NOT NOW” lyrics ▲, backwards) begins. (The first words are meant to be HARRY’S reaction to the odor of the writing utensil).
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| [Not really Harry’s voice] ECUAS-NEZBE?
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| [Thing-Fish] Whiff it, boy! Whiff it good, now! MAMMIES, step forward an’ try t’git on down wit dem BROADWAY ZOMBIES! Dis de closin’ numbuh, now! MOSES! Git yo’ brown ass ovuh heah! Leave de Co-log-nuh alone fo’ a minnit. Whyn’tcha go on an’ corn hole ya some EVIL PRINCE! I b’lieve he done evolved to de point where he kin hannle it now!
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| See dat? Uh-huh! Look like he severely enjoyin’ it awready! Sound like he enjoyin’ it, too!
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| Wuh-oh! I smells trubba! ▶ Look like he got de eeyah-noosht! Ain’t no two ways about it.
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| The MAMMIES dance tangos with the ZOMBIES, (eventually hurling them off-stage), the EVIL PRINCE corn-holes RHONDA (who doesn’t even notice as she waves her magic-wand fountain pen around for HARRY to follow), THING-FISH snatches up THE CRAB-GRASS BABY and OB’DEWLLA (one in each hand), shaking them like maracas, while twirl-dancing around the yard, HARRY-AS-A-BOY and the ARTIFICIAL RHONDA re-appear, chasing after the infant, QUENTIN ROBERT DE NAMELAND corn-holes BROWN MOSES. OPAL ▶ rides the bull while FRANCESCO gives her an enema. The nativity box rotates erratically, delivering DUTCH MIDGETS who offer onions to the audience.
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| [Thing-Fish] ‘Fo y’all departs, I jes’ wish to say in conclusium, as matters o’ dis gravity gen’rally require some type o’ philosomical post-scription, dat what y’all have witnessed heah tonight were a TRUE-STORY - only de names o’ de potatoes have been changed to protect de innocent.
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| GALOOT CO-LOG-NUH! DON’T BUY IT, PEOPLES!
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| Dis have been a public service ernouncemint ▶. Wave good-night to de white folks, ‘DEWLLA!
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| A conga line is formed. They all exit through the audience, except for FRANCESCO, THING-FISH & SISTER OB’DEWLLA ‘X’ (the CRAB-GRASS BABY has been returned to HARRY-AS-A-BOY and ARTIFICIAL RHONDA).
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| [Rhonda] SYMBOLISM, HARRY!
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| [Harry] Not the stuff that “Freckles” lets out! ▶
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| [Rhonda] This is SYMBOLISM! Really deep, intense, thought-provoking Broadway SYMBOLISM. Really Modern, HARRY…
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| [Harry] Take your hand off that chain, honey!
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| [Rhonda] Fucked our briefcases
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| [Harry] Not the briefcases
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 Photo by Ladi Von Jansky.jpg "(Front) Photo by Ladi Von Jansky")
.jpg "(LP back)")
Title origin |
Songs list
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